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I finally finished that hot break up sex with Jerico entry so check that out. The end is all fucked up still, something between my comp and my moms comp, just wont synch (LOL just like me n my mom).

I figure I should play catch up at a later date and get the present written. Shit's gettin back logged now. There's been some meaningful stuff happening that I should write about while it's fresh, instead of concentrating on shit that's already gone stale.

So... I have no idea what's already been written, if it's been uploaded to the diary or if shit's just been handwritten or just thought out in my head how I want to write it? I do know that today is Monday the 12th, 2008 and that it's 12:48 pm. I also know that yesterday was a REALLY FUCKEN BAD DAY. Like ALL my friends and family and roommates thought yesterday was "gonna be the day" or that "that day" is coming soon. Of course me making comments like "if I get through this fucken week alive I'll be surprised" or "yeah it's best Greg still takes Cass this week cuz I dont want her here when I do something stupid" or "if they tell me my cancer's back at my appointment on wednesday I'm not going to do anything about it, if it kills me it kills me, if not then I can add it to the long list of bullshit I managed to get through". This last one, which I'm STILL debating, has been my favorite weirdo thing to discuss with those close to me. It's nice to know that people are concerned and all but people make their own choices and you cant understand them sometimes. And sometimes people arent meant to understand or to know things. There are some things you don't NEED to know and some things you just cant understand (a lesson I learned recently). Anyway let's get back to this cancer thing... back when I was pregnant I found out I had cervical cancer and had to make a choice. Even had I aborted and they treated the cancer they couldnt guarantee it wouldnt come back and they couldnt guarantee that I could have more kids. So that made that decision easier to make, gee Im gonna abort this (miracle Im even pregnant with a) baby to treat cancer that might come back anyways AND I might not be able to have kids after treating it... um? So after having Cass and before the IUD went in I had the cancer zapped. I had one more check up three mos later and the dysplasia was growing again. Then I lost my insurance. This was 2 years ago. I've been eating better for a week, taking my vitamins steady for three weeks and my skin is still translucent and I still get dizzy, still get nosebleeds, no appetite, tired most of the time, dreams about being eaten alive... but these are symptoms of a lot of things, most things actually. There are other symptoms though, girlie things like irregular periods, bleeding so heavy I soak through a tampon in 4 hours for 3 days in a row then no period for 6 weeks and that one will be regular and then a week later have another regular period... then also everything is tender down there, sex is painful, having trouble peeing (might be from the kidney stone still though) where I'll have to pee and can't pee, but sometimes I dribble pee when I sneeze or get a coughing fit after a particularly large bong rip, sometimes I dribble like a man after I stand up from peeing on the toilet, (do I need to shake? lol) also the pee smells smokey, dark yellow and cloudy. This morning Landan said I looked like a zombie. I'm covered in bruises and cuts (will get to that cuz it's something positive) and my eyes are sunken in and the skin underneath is bluish. Plus I might have been doing the zombie shuffle (note to self: remember the time N8 won the Dr Doolittle dog dish @ the horror movie lock-in festival for doing the best zombie impersonation when in reality he was just walking normal -aka he was just being stoned and black- and he didnt even know he was in the contest! good times! will write more on this too~) wow did I get off track or what, anyway a 4 year old told me that I look like a zombie this morning. So maybe the cancer's back... duh everything tells me that it is. And maybe that's why I'm so eager to give up and refuse any treatment. Why am I saying "IF my cancer comes back I aint treatin it" if I already know my cancer is back...? I thinkt hings like: It wouldnt be suicide really, right? (sure Jo whatever you say!) Cass wouldnt grow up thinking her mom offed it. She'd be better off with a better non-fuck up mommy for sure. I know I woulda been better off had my mom killed herself when I was young. She'll get social security, I got all the units done already. She already knows everything she needs to know. And I've ALWAYS known that I would be dead from cancer before I was 35. I actually couldnt care less. I am open to suggestion though, and am thinking of flaws in my argument. What would Cobain do (lol)?

Ive been thinking about this non-treatment of the cancer thing all week. I think it started Tuesday when I had to go to a funeral for a 4 year old. They had an open casket and it was like a china doll dressed like a princess, it even had on a tiara. I thought I could handle looking, Jerico said he needed me up there with him, and he was next to the casket-slash-"shoebox" and I was holding his hand but looking the other way. I thought I could handle it, you have no idea how many ugly things I have seen in my life, I really have witnessed all the horribleness humanity has to offer, so I peeked. Just a glance. All I did was turn my head but it was enough. My damned point and shoot memory got that picture saved quicker than a Polaroid. I can honestly say it was the ugliest thing I've ever seen, it felt dirty, like I immediately wanted to be in a bathtub with my daughter. How could God, life, karma, Providence, coincidence, free will... be so cruel? The pain in the gramma's eyes, the body of the mother was limp & her eyes were open but you could tell that her mind was "dans les ailleuers", she just wasnt there. Jerico's cousin, the father (whose brother was the one who backed over the child), was holding it together, he was "being the man" even though I could tell he didn't want to be.

So the image of the dead little princess still haunts me. How many family get togethers have I had where Cass is running around with the other kids, all the adults thinking someone's gotta be watchin the kids there's 20 of us grown ups here... when in reality no one is watchin the kids... and then someone goes on a beer run... Im in that situation 4 times a week... when is one of my dumb ass relatives or friends gonna back over my kid? What if I backed over my brother's kid? Think about it, this shit is deep man.

Right now I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing. Job interviews all week. Gettin Cass back on WIC (milk is almost as expensive as gas!). Not drinking, not smoking. Eating, taking my vites. I'm hoping doing the right thing works out for me this time cuz it honestly never has.

and let's get to the good stuff. I climbed a mountain on Saturday. Literally, yeah it's symbolic and all that but I actually climbed a 220 foot rock cliff barehanded AND I DIDNT EVEN BREAK A NAIL! It was a treacherous 2 hour hike to even get to that part of the ravine. There were "mini" cliffs to climb before that part, clawing up crumbling shale waterfalls, half soaking wet sixth-man to climb/cross/shimmy up a hundred foot tall hundred year old fallen tree with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to hold onto except faith in yourself. Then later as Im looking up at the last waterfall cliff, I say to Pigfucker "Are you crazy, there's no way I'm climbing this!" and he said "Good, cuz we're climbing THAT!" and points to an even worse looking cliff. This one had no waterfall, and more dirt and trees that might MAYBE lend some traction and a foothold here and there but in all reality I thought I was going to die, which was the deciding factor in me trying to climb. "Oh it might kill me, hell yeah I'll try it!" (which is the same reasoning behind me standing in front of a train, chasing a tornado, trying heroin, and poppin off at the mouth to one of the top dogs of the Phillie drug cartel... you know I do shit like this half cuz I wanna see if I can get through it, get myself out of whatever mess I've gotten into... and half cuz I dont really care if I die -it's only life afterall). So back to the cliff... two thirds of the way up I get to this spot where I have nothing to grab but three saplings grown together, each an inch diameter at most, they grew straight out of the cliff then turned and pointed upward. I was further behind the group, all of them being well seasoned hikers having climbed this cliff numerous times. I hadnt been paying attention to how those ahead of me made it around this obstacle. I hollar up "hey-ayyy you-ooo guyyyyys" (I was sayin it all day, it was fitting) and someone yells back down "You gotta hold onto the trees with one hand, swing a foot up there, pull yerself up and stand on them, there's a foothold above it about where your head will be" "fucken great, are you fucken kiddin me?" I gotta hold my 200 pounds up with the dislocated 6 mos ago shit still tore up inside BAD left arm, THEN get my right foot up pretty much above my head to where my bad arm's holding onto the trees, THEN once I get my foot onto the saplings be able to pull myself up with the bad arm, and push myself up with the opposite leg (remember my partial knee replacement and 4 knee surgeries total?) Suuuure guys lemme get right on that. I thought to myself "if I were on a flat surface, say my yoga mat, I could pull this off, but 150 feet in the air AFTER an already seemingly impossible 2 hour climb, asthma and fatigue set in a long fucking time ago, I was on fumes before starting this fucken cliff... not to mention this is the single most physical effort I have ever put into anything in my life... this might as well have been my first day of boot camp" I managed to get my leg up and wrapped around the trees, pull myself up, except I dont know if it's my was born a lefty forced a righty "backasswardsness" condition or what but I ended up straddling the saplings (heh heh she was straddling wood) with my back to the cliff and just lookin down like WOAH. I sat there a second. I dont have a fear of heights (and really I have no fears, well for myself, my body, my life... I fear that bad things will happen to loved ones but anyway) I wasnt afraid, it was just overwhelming. I had to catch my breath, absorb it all up, check out the scenery, formulate a game plan for getting my ass up the cliff cuz the path of least resistance isn't the right way this time (if it ever is?). Impatient and nervous up at the crest, the gang starts calling down words of encouragement like "Get yer fat ass moo-ooovin!" and "it's a long way down and that's a very small tree Jo" "yeahyeah fuck you guys dont make me kick some ass after I get up there cuz Imma be tired as hell!" I stood up on the trees and faced the cliff again, saw the foothold PF mentioned. I inhaled the ancestral smell of rock and dirt and rotting wood and worms and pine, said my magic words which I might as well translate for you guys seein I NEVER have (but swear you'll never say them, not even in your head, well you dont know the pronounciation of MY language so saying it in english is fine, seriously though...) "Um num si vai to mi kai" a rough translation, or an abstract one really cuz I wont ever translate my language literally but basically, for the most part it's a prayer/chant/spell/mantra/motto to keep evil in my face and love at my back, "front towards enemy" like a Claymore mine, "fists to your enemies" like a Cobain lyric, the opposite of "get thee behind me Satan" cuz personally I prefer to handle my problems directly, face-first, eye-to-eye none of this keep evil behind me bullshit, the only thing I want at my back in the wind. I have looked pure evil in the face many times, trust me, you dont want it at your back.

I got a deep breath, said my mantra and in my head "if we can climb out of that basement after 8 years, if we can climb out of the abyss of heroin, if we can come back from the dead... then we can climb this cliff" out loud I yelled up "Aint nothin but a hill!" and someone yelled out "Git er done!"

It was total gayness when I got to the top. Hugs and cheers, a round of applause, crying n shit.

Ethan and I sat on the ledge and had a heart to heart. Im very sad that he's moving to Tennessee (one more reason to get my ass to Bonnaroo). Sucks more that I've known him a good while and hadnt ever REALLY talked to him. Note for the future: get to know people, have more meaningful conversations with strangers, dont judge people right away cuz they might mean something to you if you get to know them.

Something that's a common theme right now, "coincidence" has brought this up often: People, when you're saying bye to someone you love, TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM (hate your enemies and save your friends). We spend too much time being nice to people we hate and not enough time respecting those we love. We kiss our bosses ass, we take shit from customers, we don't deal with issues from people that hurt us years ago, and we come home to loved ones and give them shit. Growing up with a psycho mom... I would always be thinking "how come she can't treat me like a stranger" cuz my mom is so fucking nice until you get to know her. "Your mom's not a bitch Joey, what are you talking about?" "Just wait til you've spent the night a few more times, something will slip... she cant fake it for long..." and wouldnt ya know it a couple more times of the friend comin over and she's throwing hot frying pans at me or swinging softball bats at my head for not puttin them away "in time" (you know of course these things never happened, I imagined them and she was ALWAYS a good mother!).

A scene I witnessed at Driscoll's saturday night: a group of bar friends mourning Rusty's death... bitching about who wore what to his funeral and how come so n so got to sit closer than so n so cuz they'd known him more and were better friends and can you believe so n so actually had the nerve to show up and who gets to bring a main dish to the vigil cuz so n so was closer to him therefore feels that they oughtta be able to bring more than potato chips... and I wanted to scream out "IF YOU WERE SUCH CLOSE PERSONAL FRIENDS, IF YOU LOVED HIM AS MUCH AS YOU'VE BEEN CRYING ABOUT HIM THEN WHO LET HIM LEAVE THE PARTY YOU ALL WERE AT?? WHICH ONE OF YOU PUT IN THE ORDER FOR THE COKE HE WAS GOIN FOR AT 2:30AM?? WHO PICKED THE FIGHT WITH HIM THAT PISSED HIM OFF ENOUGH TO DRIVE HIMSELF INTO A TREE ON HIS WAY THERE?? AND OH LET'S NOT FORGET THE QUESTION ON EVERYBODY'S MIND... WHICH ONE OF HIS FRIENDS KNOCKED UP HIS WIFE???!!! TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKING LOVED ONES AND MAYBE YOU WONT HAVE TO GO TO THEIR FUCKING FUNERALS!" I kept my mouth shut and left the bar right then, the sheep wouldnt have understood me anyway. It's all common sense people! And here's another lesson Im throwing in as a freebie: I DONT FORGIVE AND FORGET BECAUSE PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME SHOULDNT DO THINGS THAT I NEED TO FORGIVE OR FORGET. And I do my best to conduct myself accordingly, that I will never have to say Im sorry, ask forgiveness, or put somebody I love in the position of wanting to forget something Ive said or done. (Autopilot just said to me "so maybe you should choose cancer treatment then huh hypocrite" -and everyone sez AP is not to be trusted and I shouldnt talk to him!)

Like I mentioned earlier, my friends and family are really coming through for me. I've been told I Love You by everyone (but my mom but you know...). Had a convo with PF and a similar one with my cousin Kelly. PF was bitching about how this one friend of ours dicked him over in the same way I bitched about PF dicking over me (it was a misunderstanding between he and I and we talked it out and worked through it but tween he and this other girl she really did fuck them over) and we mentioned how between his group of friends, and my group, and Jer's, how right now everyone is showing their true colors, we're all really learning who our true friends are. Like what Jer said to me on the way to the first gathering for Rusty when I told him I'd hang in the back not to upset people and if Jody was there I was staying in the car. Jerico flipped saying I was the only friend there for him through all of the deaths, that I was being a better friend than anybody, that no matter what happened between us I was a GOOD FRIEND, that I was loving and caring and respecting like people ought to be to each other, EVEN THOUGH he had just dumped me and all the shit that went down between he and I, I was the last person he deserved to be nice to him. And earlier today on the phone with Kelly, hanging up she said I Love You and I said it back and she said "You know Phina," (Phina is short for Josephina-wina -her nick for me) "You and aunt shirl are the only ones who say it back out of my friends n family" and I started crying talking to her about it, Jerico deciding I wasnt good enough, how Ethan tried to kill himself and all the death around me the last 2 mos, and how it's gotten wayyy important for me to say it and have it said to me. From now on, if I love you then Im saying it, and if I hate you then Im saying it. I will treat people accordingly.

Went to my old church yesterday with Cassidy, Mandy, Aunt Shirl, Uncle Rob and Livvy... just like usual I cried the whole time, it ulcerates my heart to be in that church. Was crying so much that Peggy French came out of the choir box to hug me. Besides the whole being raw before God thing, and the whole is there even a God thing, and the whole those people in that pew over there kept me & Prett locked in their basement thing and the Im sitting in a pew with my aunt and uncle who knew but denied what their son, MY FAMILY, was doing to me and my brother, BESIDES all that... the sermon was about mothers... how it takes a village to raise a child, that all women are mothers, the earth is a mother, God is a mother... and everyone was giving praise to the women in their lives... and I did too, to myself and Janet and Dawn and all the strong single mommies out there barely scraping by... but I was seriously feeling the loss of not having a mother, that if my mother had done these things, and the sermon was based on the story of Hannah giving Samuel over to Eli, I know that story well (it's Old Testament aka Jewish...), if my mom had even done what Hannah had done, my life would have been so much better, and EASIER. All I want is an easy, simple life. I want what I had with Lon, minus me being so bipolar and fat. I want what I had with Jerico, minus all the people dying.

I'm doing alright with all that Jerico stuff btw. I was in my funk yesterday and reaching for a kleenex managed to find almost a hundred bucks in the box. I used Larry's phone to call him and ask about it. We talked a little bit, until I realized that I didnt really wanna be talking to him, and also that he didnt really wanna be talking to me, again, as usual and like always, we were being polite to each other. Above all else, we always had good manners. He even called Dawn today to see how I was doing.

I'm feeling better today though. Got shit accomplished. Looking forward to hanging out with Erin and Gary later tonight. Also I've been making plans. I'm not getting that rebate check thingy till at the latest it'll be mailed July 11th. You know how my life goes, if it can screw me over, it will. Of course they'd go by the last 2 digits of your social, and of course mine would end in 95. BUT I wont waste it paying my rent here for another couple months, which would keep me unemployed and bein a slacker... AND I'll have $900 to move to Ohio with in August. That's the plan. If OSU takes me back or if I can get into another school out there (Oberlin? Otterbein? Ohio Weslyan? TONS of good schools in and around Cbus) I'm moving back. Between Janet and Preston I'll have a place to stay. I'd be a big help to either. I'd stay clean for Janet too. Even back in high school, her 4'11" 79 pound ass kept me in line.

So I got plans, and once again I can see the end result but have no clear path of getting there. We'll work on that tomorrow.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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