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August 7th
You walked into the bar yelling at ME. I'm just trying to make you money. I only texted or called you one third of the times people were asking me to.

Yesterday was my day off, all I wanted to do was spend quality time with my loved ones. I had wasted gas, money and time (most important right now) on Erin and Gary all day. Nothing worked out right, the errands turned into chores, one thing into three. Whatever I said to them last night I hope it was to the point. They didnt call me for a ride this morning so maybe they wont call for a few days. Ive had enough of them, I dont need them as friends if they're gonna be like that.

Until my health is out of the danger zone I plan on making every second count. If youve noticed Ive been trying to do this for some time now. It's getting down to the nitty gritty, it really might be now or never. Ive been hinting around to some people about how sick I am. Ive been most honest with you but still havent given you the details, which you really dont want or need to know. Im seeing four different doctors, maybe one of them will get it right. If you do want to ask me questions I really wouldnt mind, it would be nice to be able to talk about this shit for real.

August 8th
You got upset hearing about me messing around with someone else, same when you saw me flirting around with George. What's up with that? MEANWHILE you really put me on the spot at your work. You shoulda told Brianne I was bringing you lunch, or told me to bring enough for everyone. If there's something going on then me showing up wasnt cool, and if you guys are still flirting and playing grab ass etc then maybe she needs to know you and I are still fucking. It's weird but I felt like _I_ was the other woman (not the first time youve made me feel this way either).

When we're out at the same place you always got one eye on me and whoever it is that's hitting on me, and when you're out w/out me I worry youre not going home alone....

Aug 12th
I think youre so great because you ARE great. I ENVY you. I want to be you. Closest I can get is to be with you, near you, learn from your example. Even if you dont see these things, this is how you are to me: Strong -but not macho, and you have a soft side, a romantic at heart; you're independent -but know how to work together decently, delegate & share responsibility; you're honest -true to your word, loyal and responsibile.

I envy your manhood, your stature, your celebrity status, your freedom... most of all I envy your family. As much as I try to make it feel any different, I try to kid myself... but two does not make a family. Cassidy is like half a family, a constant reminder of how alone and unloved I have been my entire life. What's it like having a family? Having security? Being a part of something? When we were together that was the closest I've ever felt to belonging, I flet like I had a family. Most nights after work I sit out here on the front porch and watch our old apartment. I dont think Ive ever considered any residence of mine to be a home, but that apartment was a home, veery briefly.

Later that day:
Deep down Im very angry with you. Sometimes I feel like Im being used, the convenient girl. Im always left wanting more. That's not your fault and it's MY problem, Im the one with the control, power to change the situation and feelings, it's my responsibility to control my feelings.
One thing that really upsets me... all the reasons you gave way back when we broke up... you're still the same but Im not. Im not even sure why exactly we broke up, everything I can think of is too stupid sounding, there's gotta be something Im missing, not understanding.

Being honest I would absolutely love ---but dont expect at all--- a full committment again. I think you know how I feel, I never stopped loving you, I'd still follow you to the ends of Earth, serve you til the end of time.... But I know that's not how you feel. Yes I have always loved you more than you love me. Story of my life. What a crime!

Aug 18th 4:15am
I got home from work @ 3:50am. There's no point in trying to fall asleep, even tho I am sore and tired. I smoked a bowl pretty fast already so maybe that'll put me to sleep. It's raining, the storm is really neat, it's very cold and the rain is a fine mist, the wind is blowing it all around. It's not so much rain as it is wet wind.

Ive wanted to write down what we talked about Saturday night before I forget too much. I didnt think you were in a blackout or else I wouldnt have had such deep conversation with you.

On the way to dropping off Billy (he drove to his place to let me "sober up" enough to drive to your place) we talked about how we've been spending too much time together and that I was going to be working more and seeing much less of you. You said you were afraid I was getting reattached and that I was thinking we were back together, or that it was gonna happen. I told you that I know you and I arent meant to be together forever, that there wasnt a future, we're too different, our goals dont match. I think we both agree on that. But also I said that we're pretty damn good for each other right now, that we have a decent present, and if nothing better is going on then why not hang together for a little while longer?

Then Billy's dumb ass interrupted and said "Wait, you guys have been screwin again???" and we both laughed and said "DUH!" That put us on the subject of sex. "Damn right we been screwin" I said and you said "Damn fine shit too!" and I said "well not recently!" and you started bitching about how bossy I had been earlier that night at Jay and Becky's when i told you not to get too pilled out that night cuz I wanted to get some. I cant help it if Im so horny, besides we spent the two nights before that together and didnt so much as HUG. I knew I was working all week and by the weekendI'd probably have my period so that's another week, then youre going away Labor Day weekend (another vacation without me...), leave it to me to be thinking ahead!

I said the only reason I even rode with you to the bar was so I could get fucked that night, and pretty much all I did all night was stand around and wait for you to stop being so cool and leave with me. I said that I was thinking of not spending so much time with you "For fuck buddies we're doing a lot more buddying than fucking." I admitted to feeling things were starting to get complicated again and I didnt want that to happen. NO DRAMA, right?

I asked if I gave you enough space at the bar that night. You said yes. You said that especially at Driscoll's you'd like space. I agreed except that I feel that IF WE DRIVE THERE TOGETHER OR IF IT'S ALREADY AGREED THAT WE'RE LEAVING TOGETHER OR SPENDING THE NIGHT TOGETHER THEN WE OUGHTTA SIT TOGETHER AND BE TOGETHER AT THE BAR. I said it was more complicated and confusing for EVERYONE that we came and left in the same car but barely said 2 words to each other while we were there.

Then I brought up Faith. I asked if I hadnt shown up @ Jose's on Friday if you woulda ended up fucking her. You said "I dont know... probably... well, maybe...?" and then you said "She HAS wanted to get with me for some time..." which is what you say for a lot of those nasty bitches, as if it validates sleeping with them... but in case you dont remember Friday night either: I had to work til midnight, you'd mentioned Flint Creek playing there and before work I said that I'd call you after work and maybe we'd hook up. So when I called you after work and DIDNT leave a voicemail, for one you didnt have to call me back and secondly you coulda said you had plans with friends, or even just been honest n said you were thinking of fucking some skank ass old bitch. You knew what I was expecting when I got there. Again you let me walk into a hornet's nest! I definitely wasnt expecting to get there and have Stacy pull me aside and tell me that she had invited everyone over to her place and that you and Faith were planning on hooking up at her place. EWW! So in the truck Saturday I was shit talking you about all the nasty sluts all over you and how if they knew who you really were they wouldnt be... that they only want a piece of you, bragging rights. If you're going to lower yourself to being a piece of meat, somebody's whore, then at least get hot chicks. Anything but old, fat and toothless.

This is something I didnt say Saturday but I will now: If you dont respect yourself enough not to fuck nasty wenches then at least respect me enough not to. I got a reputation to uphold. I dont need everybody goin "OH SHIT! Bremer's getting gummies from a toothless hag and not that fine foxy lady Joey!" I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with a junky in a wheelchair. Actually they stayed together after I dumped him so technically I got LEFT for a junky in a wheelchair. HARSH!!! PLEASE dont be so cruel!

I brought up wanting to know when you do fuck someone else. I would tell you if it happens with me. I asked you to wear a condom, I'd do the same. With my sickness my immunity is compromised, Im more succeptible to catching things, and also I talked about how every one of those whores would LOVE and maybe even TRY to get pregnant by you. It breaks my heart to even think about another woman having your child, and if one of those wastes of DNA ever did get pregnant with your kid I would take care of the problem personally. ANYWAY..., I hate condoms and you're not gonna be any use to me as a fuck buddy if you gotta wear a rubber or if Im paranoid about catching shit from you.

We talked about more stuff than this but this is a good point to bring up the sex stuff I wanna talk about.

I think why sex is better between us now, on my part I'm healthier, stronger, less inhibited too. You've been an incredible boost to my self esteem and self image. Also since we broke up just about ALL your friends have tried to fuck me, even the ones you're closest to, and the ones that are married. Good thing Im nothing like your ex-wife!

Anyway i was thinking of trying more things with you. I have a lot of crappy sex to make up for, and also Im just getting to feel comfortable in the new body. Im still learning what it's capable of.

++this is where it gets naughty/good lol++

Shame on you for not remembering such hot sex Saturday night! You say you remember the foreplay but I think you only remember that it took place and not any details about it or you woulda said something more cuz you were being quite forceful. The last few times we've been together you've been rougher, more eager and passionate. I like that. You made me gasp a couple times Saturday, I was worried your family would hear us. On and off during the foreplay I kept shit talking you about the whores, especially Penny (is that how much she costs?), I said some shit like if you could punch my teeth out so you could pretend I was her... I was saying all sorts of funny horrible things (me? never!) about the fat trailer trash bitches and you'd retaliate and start fingering or fucking me harder. That was pretty hot. I should piss you off in bed more often! You were playing with my ass a good bit, Ive noticed that this has been building up the last times together, this was definitely the most youve touched me there. You probably dont remember but I said that i would be willing to try that for you. Your cock about doubled in size when I said it, so much that I got scared and was like "But not NOW, you gotta be way more sober and i think I need to be more fucked up!" Also i think we need to discuss it first, I think something like that needs planning or prep work.

A cute moment from our sex: I had pushed you hand/you away, I dont know how many times you made me cum, but I couldnt take too many more orgasms. The foreplay lasted a long time, and the sex was longer than usual too, that was really nice, it had been getting shorter again. I said to you that I wanted to try the upside down position again but maybe not all the way, my shoulder and back were sore from work, and the first time I came up with that position left my neck very sore, so maybe I could hang off the edge of the bed and still get leverege off the wall with my feet or knees... so Im rambling on and you bust through all interruptive like with "Bitch, get your head on the floor!" and you were shoving my chest down backwards off the bed. I think I asked for a pillow, or maybe tried to grab for one to put under my neck but you'd started fucking me by then, practically piledriving me... and I forgot all about the pillow.

When you came you let ALL your weight down on me, your head down on my shoulder so that you were hanging off the bed too, and my legs wrapped around you so you wouldnt fall. You were all the way inside me and we stayed like that for quite a while. I was getting dizzy and you were falling asleep by the time I pushed for you to let me up. You were asleep by the time I was out of the bathroom. When I crawled into bed you rolled toward me and bear hugged me like old times, we kissed goodnight a few times and you told me how much you respected me and that I really was a good woman. Leave it to you to play with a girl's ass, fuck her upside down and then tell her how much you respect her lol. Actually you said out of all your girlfriends Im the one you respect the most. I hope it wasnt just pillow talk.

So... now maybe you understand what I was talking about Sunday morning on the way to meeting your mom n (sister) n (baby) for brunch, how I was saying I wanted to start sending you pictures of positions/scenarios/things I want to try. Then I figure maybe we could take turns coming up with ideas (the anal definitely counts as one of your turns).

OK enough with the smut!

I would REALLY like to know what you think about all of this. A response would be GREATLY appreciated....

++++I gave this to him more than a week ago and still havent heard anything other than he hasnt had time to read it....+++++

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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