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well classes start today. I'm soooo nervous. Not academically nervous, even though I know the standards have been raised as to the quality of work that's expected in college these days. I get every question right on jeopardy, I aint worried about Intro to Soc. I'm nervous about more superficial things than that...

OK It's been 7 years since I've been in a college classroom. At that time I weighed 350 pounds and was using about $60 worth of heroin a day. Before the two year stint where I was "pretending" to be a hardcore junky, I was still getting high and going to class stoned on whatever drug (besides H) it was that I happened to get my hands on that day. I was still drinking most weekends. I'm nervous about my Anatomy class this semester because the last time I took A&P I was ALWAYS fucked up. This was before the H but at the peak of my exploration of psychedelics... for instance me walking into class late, expecting lecture... note on board says LB FIRST and I think OH FUCK, hobble down to lab, tripping nuts AND balls... got caught making animal noises in the elevator while stuffing animal crackers in my face to help soak up the third bottle of "party punch" I slammed in the school parking lot (rationale behind that was that it'd be warm by the time I got outta class 8 hours later...) I make a Krameresque entrance into the Corpse Lab and hear "AH Ms. Barr you're just in time to demonstrate the rib spreader!" Of all the interesting shit I musta imagined climbing out of that chest cavity, nothing stuck in my memory except the sound of sturnum giving way, ribs crunching backwards. Even I can't describe it properly. SO OK back to the NOW (Im so goddamned manic today, my appologies!) school is going to be 100% different. Here're more reasons why.

At Ohio State I used to leave crying just about every day because of how fat and unpretty and uncool I was. OK and also how mental I was... cuz let's face it, me on heroin was a GOOOOOOD thing, and even when I ballooned to up over 400 pounds during my pregnancy my self-esteem didn't dip as low as it was pre-heroin. man I was a fucking train wreck basket case...

SO... I'm about to be 32 but pass for 22. I weigh 190 but 45 pounds is excess skin, really I look like 150 pounds, I look better than I ever used to fantasize and draw myself looking like... the only thing that hints to my age and my sadness and my madness are my eyes, but I've perfected that Rasputin thing and unless I'm REALLY tired or upset (or drunk...), the forcefields between my cornea and my soul are always in place.

I'm using this time to do some social experimenting. This is the perfect opportunity to reinvent myself. You know, I'm just your average white girl, come from a small town, I like things that glitter, my parents are decent people and my childhood was uneventful....

If I pretend I'm "normal" for long enough, maybe I'll forget that I'm pretending.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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