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lon said some really horrible things to me this morning. I wont repeat them becuase I cant because Ive already forgotten them, they were all lies.... One thing he said that I do remember, cuz it was funny, was that he said "do you expect me to listen to pearl jam's "black" on endless repeat after you leave me? Like `I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star in somebody elses sky but why can't it be mine', well you'd better not cuz I am soooo looking forward to you leaving me, he can fucking have you!" etc. I was stuck on the Black-on-eternal-repeat image for a while, (lon has an obsession with the repeat button for some reason, presently its been Nelly's "Take a Ride") and I was remembering back when I used to listen to Pearl Jam all the time, (before In Utreo came out and taught me better) and how pathetic I was, how unhappy I was (c'mon, I was listening to PEARL JAM for crissakes) and how the reasons I was so depressed and suicidal back then are so lame now, and I look at what I have to be depressed about these days and it all seems like nothing, and it really is. This was finally a good summer. Every summer has been the same old thing, wanting to get better over the summer... showing up at school (be it high school or uni) in the fall as a completely different person, but never managing to do so. This time worked cuz I did things differently. Concentrated on the inside first, and I am a much happier person, (I'm clean, I havent been suicidal in months... I fucking wear my seatbelt!) and I've got direction, motivation, inspiration... even though I'm going through some rough times (dealing with the "failure" of the relationship with lon, and my gramma is pretty close to being on her death bed). I'm strong, and it seems like its a verifiable strength, with my walls or apathy not helping out. yeah, I know, bout fuckin time I get my shit straight.

here's a letter lon left me in my planner, which I never use and in a most unlikely spot for me to find it, so maybe he never meant for me to read it, but that's my name up at the top of the page, is it not? (The stuff in parenthesis is my commentary)

"joey,

no I was never "allowed" to fuck other people (he totally was, I'd bring home girls for him to fuck...) and you weren't either so stop spitting that bullshit. If that was the case you shouldn't have had a problem with Jen (a summer-long cyber/phone relationship he had back in 99 that I didnt know about until he saved an archived version of his chatlogs to the desktop) All the mean things I said about you to her were true. What is the point? How would have doing things with you five years ago made any difference? (he NEVER left the apartment back then and in the seven years we were together he never once said "you are special to me" or "you look pretty" or "happy birthday" or "merry christmas" or "happy anniversary" nor did I receive any cards or gifts) You dont want to do anything with me now, unless you need a phone card or are hungry. He doesn't even like Nirvana, and you are gonna "rock his world", riiight. If you move down there (if, asshole? no if's... WHEN.) you'll still be trapped, you'll just have a prettier chain. What does it matter? You just want to fool yourself into thinking you're happy, and fool someone else into thinking you can make them happy. (ouch.) Eric is just a fool for you.... And you can't handle an Alpha male who wants to fuck everything while you stay "honorable". Yet I don't regret you, or resent you. I know if I hadnt fucked things up you'd probably still love me (sounds like regret to me... and who says I don't still love you, asshole? I just fucking hate you so much more than I ever loved you, which was infinitely...). I guess we were too different. (no we were too alike...) I'll take all the blame... (OK Kurt). I suggest that if you want it to work with Eric you stop being such a mental bitch and driving away, breaking, RUINING everything good in your life... good luck."

well on that happy note I've gotta get to the hospital, I've got some things I want to say to my gramma before she dies....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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