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we were at a lame goth/industrial club friday night. I was supposed to meet a girl from work there, that girl who came over last friday. She never showed and never called us. Around 11pm I started yawning profusely. Back in the day I wouldn't even be at the club till midnight or later... but there I was bored out of my mind and yawning around 11. I asked Eric if we could leave, earlier he'd mentioned he was tired/bored too. But he wanted to stay to check out the eye candy. There really wasn't much. We made a trip to the bathrooms. There was a group of people in the women's room, I thought there'd be a long line. Well there was but it wasn't to use the bathroom... all the stalls were filled with people snorting coke. A kinda cute dyke asked me if I wanted some coke... "Stole a shitload off my ex, I need to get rid of it, you can do a few lines to try it out first, hell you don't even have to buy any..." I just said "no thanks, I'm good" and walked out. A couple minutes later a bunch of people came out of there and I thought it was safe to go in to piss but I was wrong, same girl was there "You sure you're good?" and I walked back out, asked Eric "Can we PLEASE leave???" I cant remember ever turning down drugs, and it wasn't a big deal that they were there, I just really had to pee. Eric said "But coke isn't even your drug of choice..." which is true, I didn't even have to think about saying no to coke, it just doesn't work on me... but if someone can find a shitload of coke then they might be able to find H too, and if people are doing coke in the bathroom someone is bound to mention H at some point and when the H comes out of someone's pocket I don't want to be there....

A few people that read my diary have been doing heroin recently. And I'm jealous. I've been dreaming about it, the last three nights in a row. Friday night I dreampt that I had a stash of heroin in my locker. I was in the high school in New York, I went there for 7th and 8th grade. It was like I couldn't remember where my locker was and I was confused between both the high schools I went to where I would remember the combination to a locker I had in Ohio, but was trying it on the locker in NY. We didn't even have/need locks on our lockers in NY. I couldn't remember my locker numbers, I was going through all the lockers trying the combination I remembered (38-8-28). I was seriously feining in the dream. I woke up all shakey and flushed, like a hot flash during withdrawls. I remembered the locker number as soon as I woke up too. A dream I had last night involved me testing dope out for a newbie. I remember I told them that I was in recovery and couldn't try it out for them but I licked the bag to be sure it was heroin, and sometimes you can tell how strong it is by tasting it (WHICH IS A WASTE). Heroin is the worst tasting shit known to man. I never get high in my dreams though. I either wake up as soon as I get the rig in my hand, or I never manage to score at all. The dreams are so realistic too. I wake up thinking that I might have done something stupid the night before. I wake up smelling burnt spoons and that dead flowers/rotten fruit scent of heroin. I know there is something symbolic in me never getting high in my dreams. And that if it ever happens that I do get high in a dream, I'll know I'm in serious trouble.... It's not that I am anti-drug, or even anti-heroin, not by a long shot. Of course I want to do heroin everyday until I die, if you tried it you would too. But it's not possible for me to keep up with the game, I have neither the contacts nor the money to keep it going. It's not something I am capable of playing around with. Just the stress alone, not even all the other bullshit involved in being a drug addict, the toll it would take on my mind would be too taxing. Now if there was someone out there reading my diary from the Russian mafia, who happens to be in charge of all that yummy afghan/tajikistan heroin, and who is in need of a full-time heroin-tester then I feel I have the necessary skills that fit that job description.... Until that day comes, I just need to chill.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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