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Yesterday I was at wal-mart getting a few things I didn't feel like getting the last time I was at the store. Walmart really, REALLY irritates me. I hate the whole concept of the world-wide conglomerate pushing small privately owned businesses out of business. I hate how fucking BIG the place is. I hate how the people inside it make me feel... it's all too depressing. So the walmart by us is one of those super walmarts. We didn't have any of those in ohio until right before I moved. We had Meijer (my-er) which is the same thing, only it had much more of a selection than the super walmarts. Meijer is like a WHOLE Kroger and a WHOLE walmart under one roof. Super Walmart isnt as big as Meijer but anyway, it's fucking huge. And they do dumbshit like put all the food on one side and all the personal care items (soap, shampoo, aspirin etc) on the complete opposite side of the store. Meijer separtated those items but they were very close to the food aisles. It takes about 10 minutes to cross the super walmart, maybe more depending on what time of day it is. I try never to go while the sun is out. Just a general rule of thumb. So if you have a cart full of groceries, frozen foods melting and you remember you still need deoderant then you might as well get it the next time cuz you still got a 30 minute wait at the register. This was the case with me. So yesterday I'm in there getting shit from THAT side of the store and I remember I needed some pie filling from the other side (doh!). I wasn't in a hurry and didn't have anything melting so I grabbed that and got into one of the 20 Items or Less lanes. Of course the woman says she's closed. I get in the other aisle, which has almost 10 different people in it. I check down the aisles for a smaller line in a non "express" lane and the next one open is at the other end of the store. I'm parked down that way anyway, so I might as well go down there.... Once I get out of line the woman who was closed said she'd sneak me in seeing I only had a few things. Those things being: deodorant, blades for my razor, a 12 pack of condoms and the strawbeery pie filling. I don't know why I didn't think if it myself, but these things are pretty funny when purchased together, along with nothng else. The cashier, a woman, asks "So who's the lucky man?" She laughs, and I laugh too though uncomfortably. I was in the middle of reaching into my bra to get the $20 bill in order to pay. You can do this sort of thing in front of other women. If it were a guy cashier I woulda fished the money out earlier. Besides, no one else was in line, or so I thought. I hear a man's voice behind me say "I hope it's me!" In response to the cashier's "Who's the lucky man?" question. I didn't even turn around. I didn't want to know what he looked like.... It wasn't so much embarassment as it was being uncomfortable. I still cant handle being hit on. I still tend to think all men want to do is stick things inside my body. Is there anything else to it? I don't know. The love talk, the compliments, the wooing... it's all just to get laid. All a game. If you wanna fuck me then just say it.... All the other stuff, the "romance" it's all bullshit, all superficial.

There's a guy at work that's been hitting on me for a while. Started with just telling me I looked nice when I started wearing the new clothes I've gotten. That's ok, I did look nice. Then he asked if I had been losing weight, which is one of those ass-kissing things you can say to fat people that you think is a compliment to them but really it isnt.... Then early last week he asked me about his hat, which was a burgundy knit beanie type thing, kinda rasta but burgundy.... He asked how he looked in it, if it was ok. I said it made him look smart, and that I expected him to spout poetry. He has wire rims, like Lennon wore, only his aren't exact circles, but they do look intellectual. He said he'd have to work on the poetry stuff. Then he said "Well what about the hat, does it make me look attractive?" I said "I guess..." he said "You don't know?" I said "Well... it matches your shirt." the group of coworkers that had gathered close enough to hear but not be considered evesdropping all went "ooooh she didn't..." and the guy that was talking to me faked like I'd punched him in the stomach. Then he said "So you don't think the hat looks sexy?" and I said "Yeah, I guess, though I don't think my boyfriend would agree..." "Oh shit, I'm sorry, I didn't think you had a boyfriend... wait not that you wouldn't have a boyfriend just that... oh nevermind...." lol then that Friday I brought in a strawberry pie, the tester-pie cuz I'd never made one before. It was more like strawberries and whip creme in a pie crust than actual pie. The dude made a couple comments like "Well you can't go wrong when it comes to strawberries and whipped creme...." I conveniently found something to do next door in my classroom. We dont have classes on friday, but we still have to go in for lesson planning and cleaning etc. Even if I wasn't in a relationship right now I wouldn't date him. It has nothing to do with who the guy is, cuz he is a nice guy, or anything to do with him being black or anything like that. I think I only date out of neccessity, or loneliness. I'd like to be able to date on my terms, not having it be almost manditory, to be able to not be so dependant. I'm not ready for any kind of normal person relationship, I'm working on these things though. Eric's the same way I think. Anyway the same guy was hitting on me some more this week, though it was more playful, he even brought up my boyfriend. "So you think your boyfriend would agree with you that me getting braids would make me more attractive?" I dont like his obsession with his looks, though a low self-esteem guy is better than a high self-esteem guy. He's attractive how he is now. He says he's not "thug" enough for the women these days. I told him real women dont want a thug, told him to take a look at those women and to ask himself if what he wanted in a woman was like that. I also told him that if he's gonna get rows or braids he also needs to get a throw-back and some rims that keep spinning and to start watching MTV and BET to pick up on the thug/street lingo. He said "Throw back?" The coworkers thought that funny as well.

On a side note: I picked up my 9 month keychain today at the meeting. Though by their rules I would be picking up a white 24 hour tag, to me it's a major fucking step that I have 9 months off smack. Fuck the anti-weed propaganda. I'll be switching over to OA soon anyway. Might as well be dealing with the REAL addiction, right? I've been doing research on the net, getting pointers. Some very helpful stuff. I'll talk more about it later. I'm feeling better, mainly cuz I slept for fucking ever today... 12:30 am till 2:15pm, went back to sleep from 4:30 to 6:30.... about 16 hours total. You'd think I'd be wide awake.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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