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Yesterday morning I went out into the garage to get a box to put Rick's presents inside. I didn't know it but the door locked behind me. I came up the steps and knocked into the door, only it didn't open and I ended up falling back off the steps, twisting my ankle and possibly breaking some of the long bones in the top of my foot. It's bruised and swollen but it doesn't hurt even half as much as it did yesterday. I can gimp-walk today, at least. As for Christmas, I had presents to open for a change. My bro got me a NIRVANA dvd that is actually pretty OK, some stuff I hadn't seen before. It's only an hour long though so I hope it didn't cost him too much. My Aunt Shirl got me a women of the bible wisdom book, something like that, Aunt Sue got me a necklace, bracelet and earring set all two-toned gold (I like the gold and pink stuff better... this is gold and white gold, still cool), though my mom shelled out over $300 to fly me here she still gave me a $50 walmart card, gramma gave me $40, Aunt Shirl also gave me a pink sweater that is seriously ten sizes too big. I got some perfume from my cousin Heather, whom I've been spending hella-time with. There's been much talk over my drug use (the heroin) cuz of Heather's recent problems (supposedly 30 grand in coke on 15 charge cards). I'm learning a lot of bad things about my family this xmas. While Heather was living the Springer lifestyle, her daughter Brittany was nearly living at friend's houses, getting into trouble. At one friend's she was molested by the dad, she told her mom and they called the cops n had him arrested. Originally the daughter fessed up saying her dad had been getting her for years, then changed her testimony the next day saying that she was mad at her dad and she and Brittany made the whole thing up, which isn't true but they let him out of jail to go back home anyway. Everything got public so they get nasty calls and letters, Britt is constantly harassed in school. They're all moving up here after the trial, though Britt doesnt want to go back to school so I dont know what's gonna happen. Britt's already seen phys and psych doctors, they're following the right steps to help her at least. Heather went in to a counselor on xmas eve, I'm sure her guilt is immense, as it oughtta be. I'd like to say to Britt that even though her mom let her down, she's doing what's right now, she's owning up to such a huge fuck-up like my mom never did. And onto that happy subject, my brother plans on moving in with the cousin that molested us. In the past I've had to deal with being around him for family holidays but I manage to plot his death from afar. This year I made small talk with him, and though being abused is no excuse for abusing others and what he did is inexcusable, I actually found myself not imagining blood coming out his mouth nose ears and eyes while talking to him. But still, Prett�s planning on moving in with him once he closes on his house. He�s buying a house, the payment will only be $400 something a month, so Prett will be able to pay off his bills quick. It�s still fucked up though. I hear news of people I used to know, how well they�re doing, it�s all sick. Doesn�t anybody else have problems? It�s like this little shit hole part of the world is immune. As for Lon, I haven�t seen him yet and I don�t think I will. Lon doesn�t exist anymore, there�s only Ben now. Lon was a dream. It�s like waking from a coma, having amnesia and other people telling you how your life was like, it doesn�t seem real. And though I would like to do for him the things he asked of me before I left (help with his license and glasses and getting a job etc), I don�t know if I�m strong enough. I think if I saw him I might spontaneously combust, for the same reasons I think I�ll burst into flames upon entering a church. I could be the angel and all the things he prayed for in that driveway, I�m capable of living up to such hopes now, (and other men�s as well as long as they aren�t grandiose) but there�s a difference between able and willing. I don�t know if I�m ready to be that vulnerable again. It seems much easier and safer if I just kept up with my evolving hatred and distrust of all things male, fortifying my heart with lies and bad memories and all things pessimistic in order to see through the dream of what good men are capable of, because of that fine line between capable and willing, and the men in my life lacking the kinetic energy to spark and ignite the potential energy.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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