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A little bit more of the depressing bullshit and then I�ll get to the cool, amazing, different shit. Friday ended up being one of the lowest days of my life. I did well at the job interview, in fact I�ve been working all week, but Friday fucking sucked. I hadn't thought about killing myself for long time up till the end of last week. I got Eric a thank you card, not so much cuz he deserves it but for ass-kissing measures so he doesn�t break anyfuckingmore promises he�s made to me� I gave him back his key and blockbuster card etc. I got back home and later on my brother decided he wanted to call Lon to ask him about setting up fish tanks to grow weed in or other ways to make quick cash. Lon still wouldn�t divulge how he got all that money in the middle of the night, I still think he�s got an ATM card daddy occasionally puts money in. But anyway, I over heard his voice, which I haven�t heard in a year, and that REALLY fucking sucked. It was like a knife, and just like with any other sharp object, I felt the need to stab myself a hundred times with it, and kept listening. I think we went out Friday night, though Im not sure. Saturday my bro wanted to go hang with Chris and Tammy, Chris was in a band with Eric (sort of) Tammy�s the wife, maybe I mentioned them earlier. Tammy got called into work so it was just me n prett n Chris, and they�re drinking beer, being boring. Chris has an in-house studio so he�s showing off all his �great new music� when we hear something hitting the window. Rocks. Who the hell throws rocks at windows these days? He said it was his neighbor or the dude�s friend, both are Chris�s pill connection. Valium, oxy�s, somas etc incase youre wondering. We go over there and seriously, ok you�ll find this corny, but seriously as soon as I shook this guy�s hand, my life changed. At the time though, at first eye contact all I knew was that I was definitely fucking this dude that night. It was like seeing the future, NOT making a decision though, when I made eye contact I actually saw myself fucking him. Daniel, btw, says this is common and NORMAL and �welcome to the real word� and is very proud of me for getting laid, though disappointed that I continue to see this guy cuz Daniel lives in the Brave New World and I�m just the native�. So back to Harlan, yes how sexy is that name, everything about this guy is sexy and I keep thinking I�m gonna wake up in a psych ward and this�ll all be a dream or something but it�s real for now. He�s well over 6 foot, like 6�3� or 4�, dark brown hair, blue eyes, nice bod� like defined, abs n shit. He�s a construction surveyor but lots of times he�s doing construction too. He�s 32, very weathered but still young, a lot like me in this area. His accent is sexier than Guillermo�s (my sci lab partner for two quarters, from spain). It�s very cowboy. This guy could be a Marlboro man, a Levi�s model. I can tell he�s had many women but he says none like me, and that I�m real, and he�s totally digging on the fact that I�m not a ho. He was very interested in the fact that he�s only the third person Ive had sex with. He shook his head and almost called me a liar. He�s so much like me, his body�s falling apart, he�s got organs missing (huge scar on his left side from spleen taken out) and metal plates in his head, what I�m assuming to be bullet holes in his back. I dot want to bring up shit, but he needs it brought up soon, this guy�s on edge, like I can hear him ticking... He�s a fortress and I�m just getting him to open up about shit. I might be the saneR one for a change! He screams in the middle of the night, last night it was about spoons, him saying �What the fuck are all the spoons in your bag for!?� and he doesnt remember shit in the morning. Though I don�t know all the details , he used heroin for a while but says he�s got more clean time than I do and then he cant stand to listen to any song about H or hear any reminders so the wounds are still fresh and �clean time doesn�t equal recovery� in his case. He passed up oxy�s, coke and crack since Ive been with him so he�s making good decisions there (and fyi I passed up all three as well though I did accept a xanax bar and a couple valium, he seems to like the valium tho not too much). He does drink a little more than I�d like, but it�s only beer, if he were drinking the same amount of jack or tequila I wouldn�t have a prob, I just fucking hate beer, the smell, taste, after-taste, I would rather lick a toilet than kiss someone with beer breath, seriously. He mentioned the first night before anything happened that he was cutting back on the booze. Another cute similarity I just remembered is that when he was over at my place he noticed my bottle of Tommy Girl perfume and he said �Wow, I wear Tommy� and if you tell anyone I�ll totally deny it.� That�s how I feel about Tommy Girl, I get comments all the time on how good it smells but too ashamed to tell them I�m wearing Hilfiger anything so I make up names. He�s got ulcers that fuck him up, he woke up puking blood last night while I was there. But he really is wanting to get out of that lifestyle, he runs into people he used to really party with sometimes and he says he does stuff he doesn�t wanna do, drinks too much whatever. He and I talked about putting prett in his place and him staying with me. Prett needs a job first tho. Harlan is totally serious about me. Really the only other �negative� is his feeling he needs to go to church. He was raised catholic, and he started going back a couple months ago. If this is the reason he�s trying to get his shit together then I�m not gonna stand in the way of it, in fact I told him I�d go to church with him. Catholic church is probably the most entertaining� besides that snake biting church I went to once in South Carolina cuz I didn�t want to believe people really did lameass shit like that. Anyway I wouldn�t mind going to church with him if he wants me to, though I�m sure he wonders if I�ll burst into flames or spit in the holy water or shove the communion wafer up my ass or something. He�s got a reason to worry cuz all those sound like fun things to do in a church. I�m sure he�s gonna be putting up with my shit from time to time so I can handle the whole church thing, maybe he�ll get bored with it, or I�ll be enough of a good influence on him to where he wont have to go. Wait, no, nevermind that last part ; ) I might MIGHT be a good influence on the devil, everyone else is in for trouble. So how did all this wonderfulness come about? Prett and Chris went back over to Chris�s, the best friend was still there but half passed out from the pills, we�re playing Tony Hawk�s Underground (rather he�s playing and I�m barely functioning the controller). We�re both close on the couch cuz the other dude is all splayed out hogging the rest. The whole night we spoke mainly of weed, and not much talk of that besides �Want me to roll another J?� So now without looking at me, he says matter-of-factly �So you�ve got a tongue ring huh?� I say �yup� and he says �You know how to use it?� and I say �yup� and he stands up, turns off the ps2 and pulls me off the couch and into the bedroom. Romantic, I know, in my fave kind of way. I don�t know why, all I can say is that it was the vision I got when I met him, but if that had ever happened any other time I woulda froze up and probably left, hell I wouldn�t have let Prett leave, this time though it was like a movie, and I wasn�t me but this actress, namely Shane from Shane�s World�. Remember how I said everything about this guy is sexy� well his cock is no different, in fact it�s fucking huge and I think Im just going to have to get used to feeling like I have cramps all the time�. Between 8 and 9 inches I�d say cuz from the first wrinkle of my wrist, across my palm and to the tip of my middle finger in exactly six inches and that doesn�t even come close to the head of his penis yet. And THEN there�s the girth, he�s almost as big around as a pop can. He said my eyes got almost as big as his cock when he pulled it out. I believe it. I smiled my shit-eatin grin and got to work, afterall, I do love a challenge. So when it was over I totally expected him to zip up and show me the door. Most men will agree that fat chicks are only good for head so this is what I expected. I came to realize that Harlan blows all of my prejudices and stereotypes and ideas of what men are completely out of the water. Instead of showing me the door he pulls me up again, drags me back out to the living room while asking if I want him to roll another, to which I reply �From now on don�t ask, just roll�. We plop back on the couch, play some more Underground and smoke the J, it was only 15 minutes after we�d gotten back to the couch but I felt weird like he wanted me to go so I mention that its getting late. He said �Nuh-uh, you got another thing coming if you think I�m letting you out of here without fucking the shit out of you first lil lady.� I think it was the �lil lady� part, or that fact that no one�s ever seemed to want to fuck me more, not even that marine that tried to date rape me, or the vision I had� but he was true to his word and we pretty much haven�t stopped fucking. I mean, I go to work and he goes to work but then it�s more fucking. That first night I said to him while drifting off to sleep �I�ve known you for 7 hours and 4 of those we were fucking.� Finally someone who can keep up with me, cuz I�ve got an unbelievable sex-drive once it�s turned on. �If you start me up I�ll ever stop�� that sort of thing (but not in a gay mick jagger kind of way). One weird thing about that night was that while fucking me he asked if he should call in his best friend, to which I said �fuck that shit, hell no.� (this becomes important later on). We ended up over at my place cuz we�d taken his friend an friend�s gramma somewhere, she gave me 4 valiums for gas money, sweet old lady indeed. Anyway while fucking at my place, which is much better cuz I have a bed and Harlan has an air mattress for right now, my head was hitting the wall pretty damn hard and there was a loud crack, Harlan thought it was my skull but it ended up being the plaster shit on my apt walls, so I have a wall falling apart now and a pleasant daily reminder cuz it�s the first thing I see in the morning. When I got home for good late Sunday afternoon I was certain I�d never see him again. Low self esteem, other shit� what would he want with me� he doesn't need me for money, he could get sex from hot chicks� wtf�. But Monday night he called just like he said he would. Asked if I wanted to come over, duh�. No one makes it across Houston faster than I do on my way to Harlan�s. When I got there he was just putting a chicken into a rotisserie oven. He said he wanted to surprise me� I�m tellin ya this dude blows all stereotypes away. He also made cornbread and he said �I usually put peppers in it but I remember you mentioning that you were allergic.� So we roll one up and chill for a while, then we end up sitting at the kitchen table and I glance over at the timer on the chicken and I say �You know� there�s still an hour on the chicken�� and he doesn�t say anything, only puts his left hand up, keeping it straight, then he punches it with his right hand, very hard, an increasing in speed, and he says �Is this all you want from me?� and at first I thought he was playing, but later on admitted he�s sick of women only being interested in his cock. I answered him �No, that�s not all I want, I�ll want some chicken when we�re done�.� Which probably wasn�t the answer he wanted but he fucked the shit out of me just the same. I stayed the night again and gave him a ride to work in the morning. The first night I met him he was making toast and said, �I could go for a lasagna right now, I�d eat the whole fucking pan.� And lasagna�s my forte. I mention this Tuesday morning and he says he�ll call me that night. Well we were both pretty damn tired so we made a date for wednesay night for me to bring over dinner. Man I went to town, huge ass pan of lasagna, salad, fuck I even made a pie. PIE!! The plan was for me to come over to his place right from work. Im glad I didn�t bring all that shit to work with me cuz on my last break I check my voicemail and there�s a message from him saying he�s stuck at that bestfriends place, which is on my side of town and he needs me to call him with my numbers so he can get me to pick him up after work. It was a confusing msg, he sounded drunk (6pm) obviously he knows my # if he�s calling from his friend�s, maybe he meant work #, and where does he want me to call, I don�t have his friend�s # and no caller ID, maybe he assumed that I had caller ID� so then I thought maybe he wants me to leave a msg on his voice mail and he�d check it like I do. So I left all my #�s and shit, got it OK�d with my boss (2nd day of work mind you) so I can get a personal phone call� and he never called. Ended up going home, still no call� later and later and no fucking call�. Now Im panicking, and I realize maybe I do have feelings for this guy if Im so worried about him, and feeling horrible thinking hes ditching me, cuz the whole time I�d been telling myself do not get attached, no feelings. Daniel is trying to be my sex mentor and he said my assignment was to have sex with 5 men in two months and they had to be one night stands. I wasnt ever planning on doing this but Daniel�s advice has NEVER been wrong so I try to follow it as best I can, and when I called him freaking out Wednesday night about Harlan standing me up he talked to me until 6am my time, saying I got an F on my assignment. Then he said that if I paid half of a plane ticket he�d fly to Houston and fuck the shit out of me all through spring break. Yeah this was quite a surprise, but then again not so much cuz there have been sparks the whole time. It�s just never been so forward. There�s always been an undercurrent, like unspoken thing about us, like he�s trying to groom me into being the perfect woman, for him anyway, and the only reason I go along with his suggestions is because they always work. So anyway I was SURE Harlan was sick of me, especially when I had all that time to think about dumb shit I�d said, or the couple times I called him Bitch and pissed him off BIG TIME (�One thing you need to get straight darlin, I�m the man here, if anyone here�s a bitch it�s YOU, and you�re lucky I stopped hitting women cuz I�d like to pop you one right now but you�d like that, wouldn�t you?�) hell yeah, I need some discipline, a man not afraid to be a man, a man that�s more than a man than I am. This dude can, and has, picked me up and tossed me. SEXY. Anyway I was thinking about all the little things about me that probably irked him, cuz he really does not like the sassy New York attitude /tuff grrl act. Later on he commented �I don�t know what happened to you to make you act like this, I know it must have been a hell of a traumatic ordeal, but I need you to cut the tuff girl act right now.� Back to the story in order� Thursday morning and still no call, all day Thursday� every break at work I call home �Did he call??� �No and quit being psycho� �Don�t pick up, Im gonna call back and get voice mail� �He didn�t call, get over it!� and Thursday they put me on the phones doing random digit dialing, trying to get people to sign up for the research studies� and I�m getting cussed at and hung up on, occasionally flirted with all day, calling all these hundreds of numbers none of them being Harlan� I�d call his place during breaks, it got to the point where I was going to drive by his house to see if he was intentionally ignoring me� seriously I was going stalker on him. I got home and Prett says �He called.� I drop my stuff and jump up and down all giddy, then remember it�s Prett here and ask if he�s bullshitting me. He said no and that Harlan sounded like he just woke up on somebody�s lawn. I give him a call, he apologized right away, that he just got back to his place and didn�t have my #, my info wasn�t listed (I JUST got the phone turned on) and he couldn�t remember or figure out how to do voice mail away from home, really though, he said that he was too ashamed cuz he got REALLY fucked up and he didn�t want me to see him like that �and more importantly I didn�t want to bring you into a situation where you�d be confronted with things you ought not to be confronted with� I didn�t probe but I gather he probably smoked some crack cuz the friend is a crackhead. Now today I�m guessing it wasnt this cuz when he woke up choking on blood last night I heard him mumbling something about too many fucking pills, and that he needs to stop getting himself into those situations. It was like he was bitching himself out in the mirror. Last night after getting off the phone with him, I went over and finally cooked that lasagna, it was all put together already. His brother was there and Harlan was not thrilled, dude was mad drunk and I could tell Harlan wanted us alone�. His bro had a cute dog though a chow mix, very old girl, walked funky but cute nonetheless. He was too drunk to drive home so I pumped some food in him and sent him on his way, learned that trick from Neil, nothing soaks up alcohol better than cheese bread. The bro, Bob, (Don�t know how one has a unique name and one has Bob) wouldn�t stop complementing my food, and it was pissing Harlan off so much. Like he felt he had to top his bro�s words. I also could tell he was getting jealous. Later on in bed he�s like �So you wanna fuck my brother huh?� And I said �Oh, it�s ok for me to fuck your best friend but not your brother??� and he flipped, totally took it the wrong way. �You ain�t fucking nobody but me, from now on.� (which I am TOTALLY ok with) �And if I catch you looking at my brother again�� �Harlan, you took it the wrong way, I don�t want to fuck anybody.� �Anybody but me?� �Yes, that�s what I meant� �Good cuz I don�t wanna fuck anybody but you.� Very sweet. I said to him �Ya know, all you had to say was �I think we should be exclusive.�� So Harlan and I had a few good romps last night, I get no sleep, just like the food, I don�t need it now, and this man is AWESOME, he�d be awesome without such a mighty sword, it reminds me of Lon (Eric was pretty much horrible in bed) cuz Lon could hold out forever and cum on demand but he couldn�t fuck me as hard as I liked and I couldn�t get too excited/loud or else he�d cum. I really do not understand what Harlan is doing with me. It�s not all-cool though, we�ve got some birth control issues, getting a condom on him is like getting a muzzle on a rabid hyena, but I stood my ground (not just for myself but for all women everywhere cuz if girls would STOP giving in after saying no we�d have much less problems with guys thinking no means try harder�.) Condoms really suck, I hate em almost as much as guys do, but I cant be on bc pills (depression and weight gain) and have no $$ for any other stuff (I found spermicidal tablets way better, instead of the cream, much less mess, guys can�t tell/feel it cuz it dissolves, only prob is that it take 15 mins to dissolve so sex has to be planned or there�s gotta be foreplay invoved etc) So this morning guess what happens with the condom� RRRRIPPPPP�. Prolly from my teeth, sharp lil fangs that they are, but I didn�t notice it until AFTER he�d cum, pulled out and I was taking the condom off him. Not totally shredded, I can see why we didn�t notice it, but there was hardly any cum left in it� fucken great�. And I didn�t tell him cuz being Catholic and having to fight over even me using BC to begin with, and getting a condom on him� I know there�s no way I�m telling him that it broke and I need $77 to go to Planned Parenthood for a morning-after pill� cuz I�m sure to him that doing that would classify as abortion, I also don�t want him to not trust condoms. I am totally broke. I was fortunate in that where I work is only a block passed where I worked at the mall and it�s not much gas, that�s how broke I am� I have like 35 cents and some pennies�. But I don�t want to be asking this guy for money, I don�t ever want to have to rely on anyone else like I have in the past. So I wrote my mom an email, she�s in motherfucking Singapore or Batan or some shit on a work assignment, her flight leaves tomorrow, though no one�s sure WHEN tomorrow or technically WHICH tomorrow cuz it�s prolly already tomorrow there�. I called her work in NY and they said she�d definitely be there Sundy morning for an emergency meeting. When I talked to Pland Phood they said I had 72 hours for full effectivity and after that it decreases� so that means I need to take that pill by Monday 6am. I asked if there was anywhere I could get it for free, be billed later or if there was a low-cost alternative at a free clinic and she said �I hate to say this but the $77 IS the low-income price, it can be as much as $300 going through a hospital�.� FUCK. So I emailed my mom�. Over breakfast, (his breakfast cuz I swear I have only eaten one day�s worth of food since I met him cuz I don�t need food anymore when I got cock like that, seriously I�ve lost 12 pounds since I met him, I only ate salad and a super super small piece like three bites of lasagna and neither of us ate any pie) anyway, over breakfast he said that he felt very uncomfortable using them, and tried to assure me that his timing was perfect and he could pull out in time. Don�t roll your eyes cuz Lon and I for the 7 or 8 years we were together never used BC and I never got pregnant. But Harlan is not Lon and I don�t know Harlan�s capabilities well enough and it�s not worth the risk�. I said �And what happens when I wind up pregnant?� �Well then we�re having a big old wedding cuz no kid of mine is going to be a bastard.� �What if I don�t want a kid?� �Why would you not want to have kids??� and secretly, it�s not so gross to me anymore, I don�t envision maggots coming out of me or refer to babies in utero as being parasites� I even look at couples with one cute kid and think, I might be able to do that one day� but not 9 months from today� �Harlan, I�m trying to LOSE weight here, not gain it� �If you think you can get healthier and all that�s fine but don�t think you gotta lose any weight for me.� �That�s what they all say in the beginning.� �I am not �they��. And I hope so�.

So that�s what�s happened in the last week. It�s a major pain in the ass to get online, right now I�m typing in word at the library cuz their online comps only allow 30 minutes and a it�s a dial up connection� I got through 8 emails last time I was here, EIGHT� so I have to type this on one of the crappy word processing PCs, save to disk, then sign up for the net comp. All of this accessibility problem and the fact that I work 12:30-9pm M-Th, Sat 10a-4, and spend ALL free time getting the shit fucked out of me� well I don�t think Im gonna be updating very often for a while. Happy trails to you until we meet again.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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