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BEFORE
my own personal psycho
02.03.04 10:51 a.m.
At the library, only have 27 mins to write, could do this at work but big brother is always watching... and their cameras are digital so they can zoom in and read the screen.
Harlan says that he doesn't understand words like "relationship" or "committment" and that he would like to have a fuck buddy that comes over every day, with whom he can do fun things besides sex, like cooking and drugs and shooting pool and stuff like that. To me that sounds like a girlfriend, I think he just doesn't want the label, or the responsibility of it. Which is "fine" with me, cuz I'm getting what I want, he's getting what he wants, it's symbiotic. Daniel doesn't agree but I assured him I'd bail when it stops being fun. I have a feeling that's gonna be a long time from now. Also everyone I've talked to and those that have met him agree that the dude's a timebomb and they get bad vibes from him. I LIKE BEING THE NORMAL ONE! OK? And I like the danger. Someone said "What if he kidnaps you, locks you away somewhere to keep you as a sex slave??" my response "And that would be bad because..." The servant is always master. If he were going to do anything of the sort it would have happened Sunday anyway so people need to chill out. I got over to his place at 2am. He feeds me a handful of pills, one of which was a soma, 4 zoloft or xanax or something like that, and a couple blue thingies. He had friends there at the time too. We all ended up in the bedroom, chillin on the floor watching the south park movie. I was pretty much jello by then and Harlan asks his friend Eric if he wants to shoot a movie. Harlan nudges me and says that he got his battery charged to the camcorder finally. I said flat out right away "I'm not fucking your friends, dude." He keeps asking if I want to fuck his friends/family, I still can't tell if he's jealous and it's all a test to see if I'm a ho or if I'm gonna cheat or something, or if he really does want me to fuck his friends... I think it's the former, just the way he asks the question. His friend Eric (not my ex) asked why he wanted to make a movie with me (guffaw) and Harlan got all excited "You can't tell now, but she's awesome, the best fuck EVER." and the other friend says something like "I could tell." and Eric said something about Harlan being with millions of girls and if I'm the best he's gonna have to start going for chubs. Harlan said it wasn't that, though it had something to do with it, mentioned my flexibility and eagerness... and that it doesn't hurt that I'm a freak. "Nothing's too kinky with her." That's when I came back to life and said again "I'm not fucking your friends." I "passed out" somewhere around there, I wasn't totally unconscious cuz I woke up when the friends left and woke up a few times during the night with Harlan moving around (no night terrors this night though) and then I was the one to get up in the morning (6:15am!) and to drag Harlan out of bed and into the shower and to work almost on time. If I could become a better J roller I could be rollin his lunch J while he's in the shower. I'm so very whipped right now, it's good to be controlled right now. He's forcing me to be normal and ladylike.... This whole thing is crazy. That same night I caught a glimpse of the evil Harlan, when after everyone left he nudged me awake and said "D'you have any idea what I could do to you right now, you couldn't do shit about it..." real menacing, trying to scare me, that look in his eyes and everything. I said to him "There isn't anything you could do to me that wasn't done to me when I was a kid and if I can get through it at 5 years old there's no stopping me now." That shut him the fuck up. During the relationship talk he said that I don't want him to be the real him, that I couldn't handle such hate and darkness. I asked him if he's seen or read American Psycho. He said no and asked what that had to do with any of this, I said "Everything." I think I may have found myself my own personal Bateman. Bring it on, baby.
To end on a non-psycho note, I've lost EIGHTEEN pounds since I met him, and that fact alone is reason enough to stay with him. Also my job is rocking out, I love it. I just wish people were nicer to me on the phone. I'm trying to pay you $100 to taste test beer for christ sakes! If someone says they're not trying to sell you anything, don't hang up on them.
I just read the first entry I wrote on Harlan, and this one right now and there's such a difference in who Harlan is. There are two of him, like there's 2 of me. Yin Yangs... I can be just as good as I can evil, and the same fo rhim though I don't think he's reached the levels of goodness or evil that I have. Or maybe he's reached those levels of evil and I've got the goodness and we balance each other out. Kinda weird that the first days I was with him he's talkin goin to church and making something of himself, and a week later he's talking about making a drive into "the Ward" to score. I was jello by then and he didn't trust going without me. He's got much respect for me, but I'm beginning to think it's the same kind of respect I have for Ducher, or any worthy adversary. Harlan likes dominating me cuz I'm so strong etc, he THINKS he's controlling me anyway, which is what he needs to think. I really am having fun, and like I said I'm pretty much p-whipped. I have a feeling he and I are going to be horrible influences on each other. I need to read up on scorpio women with pisces men, it can't be good.
Always remember to quit while you're ahead.
I am a bipolar genius, child abuse & addiction survivor, who is now a single mother who works 70 hours a week and has had gastric-bypass weight loss surgery a year ago. Wish me luck cuz I need it!!!
Examples of My Insanity
Dead On Mental Health Quiz
Tuna Noodle Casserole Story
Explaining Myselves
Biting Off Redneck's Finger
Got So Crazy Scratched Til I Bled
How I Found Nirvana
Leaving Lon After 7 Years
Bad Luck On 3 July 4ths
Random Craziness (FBI Please Disregard)
How I Ended Up A Junky
Almost Getting Raped by a Marine
Typical Weekend in Ohio
How Cobain Saved My Life
How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?
AFTER
WHAT'S MY NAME?!?