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Well, that did not go well.... I got over there around 7:30, the plan was to be ont he road by 8 in case his bus was early. I walk in and he's FUCKED UP, this dude they dont introduce me to is sitting between he and Johnny, smoking very good looking dro. They don't offer me any either. He says "I'm not going with you." why not? "I'm going to a party witht he guys." ok... can you draw me a map or give me directions to the bus station? "drive towrd the tall buildings, it's near midtown plaza, ask the toll booth guy" He wont make eye contact, he wont come away so I can talk to him.... I get pissed, of course, cuz (for good reason) I dont want to go into the city alone, not knowing where I'm going, at night, at a fucking bus station (drug central). He finally catches my hint to meet him in the other room when I walk into the other room and say "Come over here and talk to me" He looked worried and guilty, he's thinking that I'm like other girls still and that I'm gonna flip all out, -which I'm doing on the inside- but I don't. He still is all assholey so I say that I'll call him sometime and make for the door then remember my shit, yes I need to stop leaving shit at people's houses, like at Harlan's, it's just more shit they can hit me over the head with when the time comes to get rid of me. I had the dogs in the van, and I had my guitar and all my cd's in Geoff's room, I only packed up my pillow and Klondyke though. I was up there for five minutes, talking myself out of disaster mode, deciding if I'm packing shit for overnight back here or if I'm packing EVERYTHING, ya know. I figured he'd come up to talk to me. Nope. Went downstairs and no one was in the house. I freak out for a second till I see them on the dock. I go out there and ask talk for a minute, we're right there with Johnny so I get him away finally and we talked. He asked if I was mad, I said that I'm really nervous about going into the city, he says I'm tough enough, he wasnt getting WHY I'm so nervous... nervous cuz I had a pocket full of twenty's my mom gave me and I know I'm gonna be offered drugs, and now to be going in a fucked up mood too... I was offered shit by three people just from parking the van and walking to the bus station... fucken A.... But I didnt explain this to him cuz he was BOMBED, been drunk since I met him actually, and it's pretty mother fucking sad. He says this is the worst he's ever been in his life, he said it's been 112 days straight. But if this is his low, his rock bottom ground zero then it ain't shit, ain't nothin, his fucking good times must be crazy fucking good ya know... he's fucking amazing now at rock bottom... I dont fucking get it. He said not to make him the center of my universe cuz it'll implode. He said he changes his mind sometimes. I said that I do exactly what I say I'll do. He said he knows that. I said that I have trouble understanding people when they do things differently than me. Like I expect people to do what I do cuz what I do is right and just and yadda yadda so when people dont act how I think they will or should then I get confused. He didnt understand of course. He asked if I trust him, which I don't cuz I'm not fucking stupid, duh, I'd like to trust him, ya know, but no, not yet or anytime soon probably. We havent even talked monogamy yet, so the whole trust thing shouldnt even be an issue. I figure he's projecting, he does that a lot and it's obvious when he does. He said that he's not who I think he is, that I have this guy in my mind and he's not that guy, he's just a loser fuck up drunk who'd like to be that guy. I said he wasn't my whole life, I have trouble meeting people and relating to them so it's tough right now only being back in town a couple weeks, not wanting to do heavy drugs, which is what everyone around here is doing now, ALSO I was just upset because Prett's in town for two nights one of them being Sunday, and that I promised him a good time and promised him he'd get to meet him (Geoff) cuz he's protective of me since "the trouble" with Harlan. He said that it wont take that long for me to get Prett and they should still be there when I get back into Canadaigua, to stop by. I could tell he was fucking with me, which is pretty damn sad but anyway.... We left on mostly good terms, he kept saying "This doesnt change anything between us." Like he was trying to convince me or himself that it doesn't. He kept saying he was sorry, which he knows I don't accept, "If you were truly sorry you wouldn't have done it in the first place" is my response to someone telling me they're sorry. He said he was sorry that I fell in love with a loser. I laughed, he has no idea, EVERY fucking guy has been a loser.... Seriously, are there any interesting people out there that dont do hard drugs that aren't losers... no beaters, no cheaters... people like Lon but with motivation, people like Harlan minus the crack and fists...? I don't get it.

Anyway the talk went on sort of like that, him saying he's sorry over and over and that he loves me etc, me talking about how I dont mean to cramp him, that we have five people and three beds at my mom's and that's why I been over every night, well 4 nights in a row, he said he didnt mind, I hope he's serious and truthfull, me talking abotu how down I am now cuz of Boggy and I cant stand to be around him cuz it's just too fucking sad, I wanted to tell him about the depression and suicidal tendancies building in me yat again being in this place and how I wasnt doing really any better than I was in Houston, doing ten ultracets at a time and getting drunk every day... but I dont think he'd understand that either, well he'd understand the drunk part anyway. I also havent been eating much, the dude NEVER eats, and I havent been sleeping since I met him, (excluding the passed out under the toilet sleep of last night), not sleeping cuz most of the night I watch him sleep and then drift off about 5 am, wake up at 7ish... also I'm on my period, which is always however many straight days of deeper depression, usually any given day my depression is at a 3,(1 suicidal to 10 settin shit on fire manic) goes down to 2 when I'm ragging. So I'm trying to not be a bitch and flip out, trying not to be ice and not show the pain either... where's the middle ground? Boggy's dying, I gotta break the news to Prett AND keep up this facade that I'm not gonna crack, ya know. And Daniel hates me, he's tired of waiting on me, afraid his investment wont pay off. But I can handle this, I can get through it. I guess I fall in love with most of the guys ya know, so maybe what I feel isnt anything deeper than I felt before, say with El Diablo, or what started with Carlos. And I thought I REALLY liked El Diablo too, and when he showed his true colors I pulled back. I was still able to see him whenever he wanted to see me, yeah I wanted to see him more but whatever, I was able to shut off the feelings for him and maybe I can do the same with Geoff, not that I mother fucking want to. But I'm blowing it all out of proportion right, he just wanted to go to a party with his friends and have a night away... which is fucking FINE, except that I fucking asked him if he needed space and he said NO and I asked if he needed time to himself and he said NO. So what the fuck? But if he's just gonna be like this ALL THE TIME... he's fucking beautiful i the morning and gets progressively "uglier" as the day goes on, then the baeuty comes back at bed time. Like if only his bedroom was the world, ya know, cuz we talk like people oughtta talk but no one's real enough to talk about the shit we talk about, and we just hang on each other, flopped like kittens in a pile, we fuck to Cure albums and I have three NOFX and 2 Social D discs memorized cuz he plays them on endless repeat shuffle all night in his 5 disk changer.... He says not to make that my universe but it's absolutely perfect. And I dont get it.

I brought up the timing of the I love you, cuz he said it some more tonight, "nothing's changed, I love you Joey, please trust me..." I still havent said it back. I said that it I was upset also (upset=pissed off but I kept using "upset") because I was wanting to talk in the van ride up to the city about the timing of the words and etc, why I didnt say anything and that it was awkward timing, he said that it felt like the perfect time for him and he HAD to say it, like it was a bomb and he had to get rid of it. But there still needs to be talk, does he want to fuck other girls or not, does he expect something out of me that I wont get out of him (monogamy), does he think by him saying he loves me that he can get away with shit cuz he knows I love him... and that's really the reason why I havent said it, cuz once you admit you love someone they just take it as permission to hurt you, cuz all is forgiven in love. I need to talk to him abotu these things but early in the day, before he gets drunk and wont remember what we talk about. I also would like to ask him about his attitude towards being drubk, if he uses that as an excuse for shitty behavior, like say fucking other bitches "but I was drunk and didnt know what I was doing" etc cuz that shit aint gonna fly. Somewhere in tonight's convo I said "So is this her side fo the story" he looked confused "Shannon, you know... you told me that she had her side of the story, does it go something like tonight?" he said "something like it... but not exactly." That's when he tried to appease me by saying that shit about probably still being there when I get back into town and to swing by etc etc etc etc etc etc

I got WAYYYY motherfuckinglost getting Prett, managed not to buy coke at the bus station, (hey this is me here ok, it might be easy for YOU not to do dumb shit...), we went to Geoff's and no one was there of course. I called Geoff's roomie's cell, cuz his is still turned off... roomie didnt answer, and I left a messege saying that I grabbed my toothbrush and blanket cuz we aint got enough of that shit at my place for everyone that's staying there and to pass the msg along to Geoff. He REALLY likes the blanket. I was thinking of talking my guitar and cds, but it makes me too fucking happy to see SOMEONE playing the guitar, and he makes it sound so good, like you wouldnt believe it's a POS jagstang... and it makes me happy that the cds get played cuz I listen to like NIRVANA and my best of Bowie cd and that's it these days, so I didnt want to take them just yet, whether or not I"m there to actually witness the playing of the stuff, just knowing it's getting love, making him happy to play with my stuff. Yeah yeah, it happened again, and will keep happening until I've atoned for shit I caused Lon, cuz all this shit I've gone through with guys, it;s all shit I did to Lon. It's some kind of karmic hell I dug for myself. And I've got a fucking migrain, am nauseous, wanting sleep but the bedroom is the last place I want to be right now, in bed with my failures, and the failures of men I've loved. I get to sleep in the bed that still smells like Lon, wrapped up with a bear and a blanket that smells like Geoff. I can only imagine what my dreams will contain.

Prett's trying to find twenty dollars worth of nugg at 1 AM, every call he makes he ends with saying "OK so I'll try back in a half hour..." Reminds me too much of back-in-the-day phone calls to Dirty and P and Pooch and Butters and Tone and Griff....

Remind me to tell you all about "the game" "the warts" and "the cockblocking", it's very cute but I'm not being fair to Geoff right now and wouldn't get the story out right. It's pretty fucking funny and I'm not in that kind of mood right now.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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