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It got good and then bad again last night. I've decided to pull back, like with El Diablo, though I feel way more for Geoff than anyone except Lon. By the way, I'm celebrating my last day of eating and drinking and drugging in fine fashion. Mom and her guy had a fight and she picked me up from Pudgies, which was my second stop, I checked out the bar that some NIRVANA dude is supposed to work at but it was busy and either that wasnt him or he didnt notice my tattoo. Anyway I snatched two pills from my mom when she picked me up. Hey, 2 is way better than 12 or howevermanyItooklasttime. So anyway my head is swimming and I got a sappy smile on my face, which is odd cuz I have not much to smile about.

Interesting, got an email out of the blue from Bill, old friend from Coker, my first college. Good times with Bill. He wants me to come down there and fuck him. I asked him why he didnt try to fuck me when we were in school together and he said that he did for a while and then Lon came around. I dont ever remember him flirting with me, though we were both virgins at that time and didnt know how to really flirt I spoze. Anyway I'm supposed to be meeting him online for a chat and cam session. I'll let you know if it gets interesting.

So Geoff... what's going on with him? Last night it got better, let me explain the trouble earlier in the day, ok I guess I did in the last entry. He could tell I was upset with all the wife talk yadda yadda, said he wasnt planning on going back to her, but I could tell my amount of emotion was getting to him cuz I'm sure he doesn't feel as much for me as I do for him (if that makes sense?). We got some good dirty work done on the house last night, lots of landscaping, very sweaty and dirty, sexy work. I grabbed a shower first while he mowed until dark. He came in and had to watch CSI, which I figure out in the first ten minutes and blow the story for him every time. He took a shower and I got online. After the entry I went downstairs, we'd had plans to watch some white stripes videos I got on a bonus dvd, he hadnt seen any of them. Then we looked for movies to watch, the house is in shambles with moving and renovations so it's hard to find shit, plus 75% is in storage. I find a skateboarding video, something like CKY, pull it out and it ends up being Fear and Loathing with Clockwork Orange after it, yeah even better. he said he'd never seen F&L, so we watched that. He sat on the end of the couch that reclines then I laid on the couch and used his lap as a pillow. I was using a real pillow that was Rick's (he's been sleeping on the couch) but G said it was smelly and to just use his lap. I didnt smell anything but whatever, not that I mind having my head in his lap ya know? During the movie he's got his arm around me, sometimes holding hands, sometimes lightly, absent mindedly stroking my arm, tummy, whatever his fingers are touching. After the movie we go to bed, more snuggling. We were alone in the house, very rare for the two of us to be alone together in either house. I start kissing his chest etc, we snuggle more and I keep accidently tickling him. This is the most ticklish motherfucker in the world. I'm serious. You even say the word and he gets antsy. Then if you accidently brush across him once you cant even touch him without him flipping out. So this happens pretty much every night between the two of us and frankly it's getting kind of annoying. I'm a snuggler and a stroker... that absent minded petting I mentioned he was doing to me earlier. I can fall asleep running my fingers through someone's hair and keep it up in my sleep, so his sensativity is new to me. Last night he covers his chest up and grabs my hand so that my fingers cant move. I snuggle up more, my head level with his instead of on his chest, my EYELASHES were tickling him, OK... eyelashes... thanks for the compliment on my long delicate lashes but jesus christ dude toughen up aight? I kiss him on the cheek "you're not ticklish there are you?" "no" I kiss him again... "are you ticklish on your mouth?" "no" I kiss him there... "how bout your ears?" "sometimes..." "sometimes huh? how bout now" I lick his ear... he says "are you trying to seduce me?" I sigh and roll onto my back "Someone's gotta do the seducing..." "It's just not a good day for me... with all that happened..." "You mean you're thinking about her too much..." "That's not it..." But it was too late... I do not take rejection well. I do not understand this guy at all. OK everyone else fucked me like more times a night than Geoff and I have fucked total. OK so it's not all abotu sex with him. But he doesn't want to be my boyfriend... so it's not about the relationship crap serious stuff either.... So what the hell is it? Fuck buddies that hardly ever fuck.... Best friends that fuck sometimes? I dont fucking get it, be my boyfriend or be my fuck buddy but dont be neither.... Needless to say I had a mood swing after being shot down, though I followed the "No Drama" rules best I could in that I only cried a little bit and that was after we started talking about how he had to get his shit together for his son and I dont have anything in my life worth getting my shit together for... that I'm all I've got. I'm still having serious SERIOUS mother fucking problems with Lon, serious rejection issues with him letting me walk away, not even caring, that I wasnt worth goddamn marrying and not worth goddamn trying for, not worth a fucking second chance. 7+ years and we didn't get fucking married. At least I could have accomplished SOMETHING, and not been a total flunky with everything, I could refer to him as my ex-HUSBAND and not my ex-fiance-type-person, that I could have seen at least one thing to the conclusion in my life... seeing I can't stand living in the same spot more than a couple years and I can't ever finish school, at least he could have been that Konstant in my life. And then that fucking thing, that burden on my heart that I never shared with him cuz there was no sense in both of us being sad, but now it's too much, it's been that way for a while but now with all these issues making it more difficult and all these reminders keeping it on my mind at all times. And I see the love and respect Geoff has for his wife, her name tattooed on his heart, his willingness to marry her, how many times he's gone back to her and how much he defends her. I'm always finding them one woman too late, and they're ruined by the time I meet them. And I bet I did that to Lon, ruined him for other women.

I tried to explain my woes to Geoff, he sort of got it but with the depression my brain wasnt working right and I had trouble forming sentences. I tried to explain the sexual confusion, that the guys before him fucked me all night long and I worry he doesnt like me or something's wrong with me and also it made me paranoid that I'm the one to initiate sex, I'm the aggressor and then I get shot down, this wasn't the first time either, so it compounds the anxiety cuz now not only do I gotta seduce him but I gotta worry about being denied. I tried explaining all that, and off alcohol Geoff isnt much of a talker so I didnt get a response to anything I said. Same with when he read my hand written journal, read it and didnt respond. And the same with my "be my boyfriend circle yes or no" got no answer there, for christ sakes have the balls to circle NO.....

ok Daniel called, maybe he'll give me some sanity....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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