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Got bitched at for being online before I could get an entry written. I don�t know when I�ll get to upload this.

As always, moving back �home� was a mistake, but it�s like voting, you go with the least worst choice, and NY was least worst to Houston. The difference in suckiness isn�t as much as it used to be. Houston is just as sucky, and around here has gotten even more craptastic. At least in the dirty souf I only paid $30 for an ounce of weed, and up here it�s $30 for a half eighth� and don�t gimme that �one hit gets you high� bullshit, since when have I EVER smoked ONE HIT� or done one of anything? It�s all or nothing, losers, and I smoke the same amount of dro as I would if it were schwagg. And unfortunately, I�ve been smoking a LOT of dro lately, because it helps me cope, keeps me from killing your loved ones, and generally helps me fit in/blend/be a �productive member of society� and shit like that. It helps me sleep. It quiets the noise in my head. It�s a hell of a lot better than jack daniels, heroin or crack. And even with insane NY prices cuz of the lack of schwagg around here, it�s STILL cheaper than all the meds they had me on, and the cost of the insurance taking a forth of my paycheck, and all the copays, blood tests, cat scans etc and with 100 times less side effects.

I don�t know where that pot justification came from. Like I need to justify anything, like anything can really be justified. Anyway, even with all the smot poking I been doing as of late, I�ve still managed to lose 5 pounds in the last week. Due to stress and sickness and work and being too poor to eat� maybe having the munchies constantly yet never eating has upped my metabolism? I�m sorry body, one of these days you�ll get all the love and vitamins and sunlight you require but for now you are a machine that I can barely keep oil in. Soon though, we�ll be human again. Autopilot for now.

Kind of funny, people get so used to being poor, not being able to do anything about their problems� so they stop looking for answers, they stop trying (fools), one of the psych text books says this is �learned helplessness�,, Cobain called it �the comfort in being sad�� I used to subscribe to that nonsense� and caught myself doing it again, just for a second, right as I started typing this entry. Because I�m bored, and I have about a bowl and a half�s worth left in my baggie, and because every day is like this, Janis would say �it�s all the same fucking day man� and because I work overnights and my sleep consists of two hour naps sporadically placed throughout the week and I never really had a great grasp of time and date to begin with� so I have trouble following the days of the week� and so the fact that today is FRIDAY (payday) totally eluded me. As if payday is anything to jump jive and wail about, all of the $200 I might have earned, (which is not worth the knee pain working causes btw and really little is), but it�s $200 that I didn�t have yesterday, and I can get into some sort of trouble with this afternoon once I figure out the whole ride situation. And I�m having trouble remembering why I moved from Houston. Why did I move from Houston? Cuz crackheads would circle my place like buzzards. Cuz the dude beneath me was shooting up on the staircase and asked if I knew anyone who did that shit cuz his bro just got hold of a megaload and needs to get rid of it quick and on the low if you know what he�s sayin and he�s just looking for people to GIVE it to, cuz he don�t know bout this shit, if it were 4 pounds of COKE he�d stolen that�d be different, but not this OTHER white powder� and if I happen to know someone who knows bout that shit then I should hook em up cuz they could make a lot of money together, and theyd be superfly generous with the shit, he don�t even care if the dude shot up half the profits cuz it�s like ALL profit, if you know what he�s saying, and he don�t mean anything by all this, that this shit tends to be a white people thang and me being the only white person around for at least three other wards� he figured he�d just put it out there and see if I knew something or someone. So that douchebag basically offering me four pounds of heroin� that�s pretty much why I moved. It just wasn�t mathematically feasible, it couldn�t be proofed� I was doin a fifth gram a day when I stopped, multiplied by how many grams in an ounce and by how many ounces in a pound, times four pounds that means I could stay high for� all of one day cuz I�d be fucken dead� see it doesn�t compute. Although there were other reasons like the three hunnerd and forty degree weather with 800% humidity and the place smelling constantly of armpit and chewing tobacco had something to do with me moving. And no one speaking English, and their whatever language they spoke being worse than how I speak it. When MY Spanish is better than a Mexican�s Spanish� shit bitch, get a book, if you can risk your life to move to shithole Houston to hang out in the middle of the road and wait for someone to hand you a job then you can hang outside a bookstore and wait for someone to hand you a book for fucks sake. Anyway, the fake-nice people pissed me off too. See, if a New Yorker doesn�t like you, you�re gonna fucken know bout it, but a Texan will be your best fucken friend and then not show up to haul your truck out of a ditch, instead he�d be in the ice house talking about what a homo you are. Steers and queers, that�s all Houston was. I was starting to hang with the wrong people, and that�s saying something for me, seeing how I usually hunt down �the wrong people� in order TO hang with them, but not the types that knock on your door at 4 am asking for Brillo. Get a real problem or do a real drug, OK?

Damn Jo, what�s with you, what are we so pissed off about today? That�s a stupid question. I don�t understand why everybody isn�t angry and mental, but then again I�m pretty sure every one is mental and maybe theyre just better at hiding their anger than I am. But I�m working on it. I need more sleep. I�m nervous about work tonight. They fired Gary over some stupid shit and it doesn�t make sense so Im wondering if Im next or if they don�t like me as much now cuz his whatever-he-did-wrong will reflect on me somehow. He didn�t stay past 6, which is when we�re off by the way, and he said he doesn�t work Sundays (meaning Saturday nights) and he took too many smoke breaks, as far as bossman knows no one smokes cuz the girls who do smoke cigs wait till he�s gone to sneak out n smoke but Gary is all in yo face like me only not so smart about it. And THEN he didn�t pay for a bagel he ate on break, right after the dude said that we could eat whatever we wanted as long as it was being thrown. And THEN he missed a night of work cuz they switched his schedule, when we both had Wednesday off all week and bosslady even said �ok see you both Friday� and then no turns out he was spozed to work Wednesday� so whatever, that�s all Gary, but it made me look bad I�m sure, cuz she said that good workers refer good workers, so now theyre not going to think Im a good worker� or something like that. I sort of don�t care, well of course I don�t care, but I don�t want to hear my mom bitching or threatening to have me put in a home etc cuz Im not able to take care of myself� which is kind of hard never having an example of being taken care of or cared for or even witnessing any real decent caring relationship in my whole life� so how does this caring shit work and what does it even mean to take care of oneself� is it possible and if so, is it worth it? Freedom is my only objective and if taking care of myself will help me be more free then I guess I should do it. I need to revise my goals sheet. I need to do a lot of things, like walk down and pick up my paycheck before my mom gets to it and runs off to the racetrack/casino with it. Bag of nuggs, maybe that spitfire hoodie I been eyeing, some books or something, maybe a yoga tape who knows. I should do a list though, before heading off into the sunset with a pocketful of twenties and no clear idea of what I want, getting to the mall and goin �oooooh shiny� and buying stupid shit, which btw is 99.99% of the shit people buy. I mean, yeah I see the benefits of having a stripper pole in your basement, but I get just as drunk off Boone�s Farm as I would off Krystal. Anyway I got shit to do today. Git er done!

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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