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I don't have much time before I have to be at work. My night off was kinda lame, but that was all my fault. The kindling and the matches and the gasoline all present but I still didn't set shit on fire. Figuratively speaking.... I had a bottle of 100 proof Smirnoff, the pineapple slices SOAKING in it, a JUG of bloody mary made up, and I still didnt fucken drink. What's up with that Jo? I dunno, it's not like I didn't smoke myself stupid last night and today. Two fat blunts in 24 hours, plus the pipe sharing in between. I didn't even remember the second half of the night and I ended up losing and finding my bag, which turned up in the backseat of a car I dont remember even being in. I wasn't in the back seat for any GOOD reason I'm told so I guess I not forgetting anything too interesting. Just more people recognizing me at The Lumberyard, cuz it was rainy and EVERYONE was like "Woah be careful this time, aight?" and Tabs' new friend Pete's all like "what the hell did you do?" "Um, Im not sure, people say I dove, others say I jumped... I'm not sure how I got down those stairs but everyone's in agreement that I face planted to parking lot, got up right away and yelled 'WOOH!' then I walked to another bar." I remember remembering that, I remember shooting pool and playing miserably, I sorta remember buying some jalepeno pretzel bites, even though I hate and am allergic to peppers, I snacked on them today. In fact for the amount of weed Ive smoked I sure havent eaten a whole lot. That snack bag of pretzel bits, a liter of Dew and some raisins. I have no money to buy any food at work tonight and also no pain pills and also no ride to get there. I also havent showered since... since... LOL... it's been a while. Like my hair gives it away but actually it's worse than that cuz I washed my hair in the sink on Sunday, and it was before then that I showered last, like whenever my hair woulda been clean before Sunday. Maybe I should go do that huh? Ya think? I'm not making much sense tonight; overworked, underfucked, between days. It's all confusing.

Daniel has been calling often. He asks of my progress, and is forever disappointed in me. I'm not getting to California quick enough, not getting my degree quick enough, not losing weight quick enough. All he cares about is me getting out there, he says I can finish school there, finish my makeover there... and I keep quoting the Pixies, saying when I get bored I'll move to California, but I add that I'm not bored yet. Which isn't true, cuz I am so finished with NY, but I won't go until I finish my stupid degree and until my gramma dies or tells me I can leave. She knows why I'm sticking around. I need time to myself anyway, I'm still not humble enough to move to the left coast, I need more time to cool down here before jumping back into the fire. I wanna go out there the total package, not all ahlfassed and then get complacent. He says he'll pay for everything (well his dad will anyway ahem) and that I can concentrate on school, which I've never done btw... always worked through school, and that he can take care of everything. No thanks. I fell for that one already. Or something like that. 6 years and no ring, fuck that shit. I'm bitter right now, just spent the last few (5) hours taking care of an 8 month old and a 18 month old, both girls. Brad and Jenn's kids, friends of Gary and Tabs. And then Tabs been all about her kids lately. And everyone at the family thing, which was the OTHER side fo the family too, and theyre all there with their babies and seriously Im the only one without one... which was all fucked up and everyone asking me when when when what the fuck... though the Voice tells me "soon" and it's comforting, but not anytime soon, which is the same thing I tell Daniel, "soon, but not anytime soon" and he says he and his best friend Aram are gonna drive cross country to get me and I told him to drive really fucking slow. Daniel would only be a consolation prize and he knows it, he cant get over it, that'd he'd always be second best to Lon, and I cant get over it either but I'm pretty sure it's all because I don't want to.

Anyway, shower, bike to work, time to breathe cold air and set my head on straight hopefully. "It's the weed Jo, you shouldn't smoke so much of it, and that's why you didn't drink last night, cuz the depression wouldnt have been worth it, go take a shower and fake a smile baby it'll be ok SOON"

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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