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I took a handful of aleve an hour ago and it still hurts bad enough for me to think "did I really take them or is there a heaping blue pile still sitting on the kitchen counter?"

My mom's been in ohio all weekend, just called a few minutes ago asking me if my room was spotless yet. yeah bitch, I'll get right on that. "it's not like you're the only one who's had to work so many days in a row ya know, I work almost every day" "mom you dont work, you SUPERVISE" and she turned into momzilla after that, at least I didnt say what I wanted to "no mom, you sit on your fat ass and make sure everybody else does the work and you make twice as much money as they do all so you can stick it in a slot machine or waste it on your plastic surgery that still wont make you pretty you stupid fucking cunt" but no, I held my tongue, I dont feel like being homeless and computerless so soon. We'll wait for the house to sell for that. Seriously though... one day I'm gonna laugh while she bleeds. One day I'll have enough money that I'll be able to write her a check for ten grand in order that she never contact me again.

That rant aside... maybe I should smoke some so I'm not so lethal, cuz she's on her way here and I am so not combat ready. She's gonna storm the house like a Panzer tank being driven by a hungry Tyranosaurus Rex. You just dont know, really, when I was a kid and saw "Mommy Dearest" I thought "please, stop being such a pussy, your mom's NICE!" at least that girl got to live in a mansion with a psycho mom, try a 20 year old trailor with no heat or hot water during upstate NY winters. I'm getting too woe-is-me. Done, I'm done and I'm on to the next...

Why this is all so livid, is cuz bossman asked about my childhood, he said he could tell I'd had the kind of growing up that I had (I didnt even get into the BAD parts lol) cuz his was similar in being passed around, not having parents worth a shit... he "had a father figure who didn't spare the strap if ya know what I mean". I also found out they had a 6 year old boy die of cancer last year too, so I was able to sympathize with that. Je voudrais ecrire quelque choses sur ce sujet mais un certain homme peut lire, et je voudrais parler a lui davant-ca.

I've been working on some new songs but it's fucking hard. I so dont know enough guitar to write anything. I need a band. I might even be able to hold my own on rhythm guitar. I have enough songs to get a good practice session going, too. I should put a flyer up at Rossi's "Weird chubby grrl with attitude of Cobain, voice of Chris Cornell & on-stage antics of Lydia Lunch/Jim Morrison looking for band. Have lyrics and guitar that never stays in tune, will travel. Influences include but not limited to: teenage angst, overactive IQ, poverty, bloated ego, mental illness, The History Channel, punk rockers going political and anti-aircraft guns. PS I would like to do a death metal cover of the Journey song 'Don't Stop Believing' and yes, I can hit the notes."

I'm doubting the whole living with Tabs thing. I've been talking with others whove known her for some time and it seems she flakes out when men enter the picture, and I need some stability not someone whose gonna up n move out or quit her job cuz she doesnt wanna work with the the boy she used to be fucking who "broke her heart". She's done the same song n dance with others about getting a place together with friends, getting her kids back etc etc and she ends up back where she started all the time cuz of boys. Ladies, never ever ever EVER get dependant on anyone but yourself, especially a man. He aint gonna stick around, in fact he's already looking for fresh meat. And you know he is but you try to convince yourself otherwise. You really think he's gonna be splitting his 401k with you 40 years from now, hahahahaha! Anyway, I dont know what to do. Why is it so hard to put myself first? I think it would be super good for her but not so good for me if we lived together. I dont even see how it'd be possible seeing neither has the credit or income to be on a lease in the first place. Maybe she does. Maybe it could work. I'd rather live at the farmhouse though, of course, god it's the closest thing to my dream living environment as I've had a chance at so far. Maybe I should see if they're still interested in a chick roommate/still have empty rooms before I think anymore on the subject.

I guess that's about all. I need to get gone before momzilla shows up in that Panzer thinking I'm France or something. Maginot Line wouldn't keep her out either.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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