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Things are looking very good with Tabs & Erin. She really likes him, talks about him like a school girl. Yay you're in love, now shut the fuck up. Meanwhile she's been wanting me to meet her ex-fiance who's fresh into rehab (8th time) to help him stay off smack. Like I can just kidnap him or something, ya know. She's got sorta the same relationship with him as I did/do with Lon, only she still talks to him nearly every day, and I wish I could talk to Lon. But anyway she had the whole house n kids thing for a while until he started using then stayed with him hoping he'd stop, this was three years ago and he's still on & off. Tabs and I dont have much in common but the men letting us down thing is definitely a big one. She hasn't learned her lesson though, she's still trying to find a man good enough to take care of her and the kids, which there is no such thing and she should do it herself. I used to think it was better for poor people to live together to share resources and whatnots but now having tried that, no... fuck all ya'll bitches, I'm out. You all stay right here on the island and I'm gonna swim for it, I promise to send help ASAP though.

Going on 27 is far too old to be headbanging, especially headbanging to Cotton Eyed Joe. If Im gonna wrench my neck, it oughtta be from a much more interesting reason than THAT.

I was right, I did get spoiled having so many days off. I so do not want to work tonight. Complacency got the better of me again. I'm fucken hungry, I ate too much in my days off, and now my body thinks it can get that all the time. I smoked too much also. I didnt drink last night but I did pop a few ultracets and a handful of Aleve, for some reason since getting off the saddle I havent been able to take Aleve. It affects the bipolar symptoms, puts me out of whack and I still sometimes have to make conscious decisions, be aware of my thoughts and behaviors and after taking Aleve I'm total fog-brained and space-cadeted. And I didnt sleep so well last night so I'm all fucked up and looking like shit with greasy hair fucked up clothes, sharpie notes written ALL OVER myself, "Dial a ride 394-2250" and various other numbers and reminders. Not to mention the twitching. I used to do that a lot, like pretty much all the time. Now it's more of a tremor upon awakening, but today it's back to the full twitch. I still have to figure out how Im getting back from the library. I'm fucken tired.

I'm not making much sense today and I shouldnt ramble on in a drug affected stupor like Burroughs, but bare with me a couple more topics.

I THOUGHT I'd made headyway with the DMV yesterday. A very nice lady made some calls to Ohio for me cuz I havent been able to get through to them, it took her 20 minutes to get the person we needed. They told her that my license in Ohio is clear, no suspensions or outstanding tickets. Now I just need to figure out how to prove that to the courts here and the only way to do that is for me to fill out a form requesting an Abstract and mail it to them and wait for them to cash the check, pull my records and mail it back to me, and then I take them into the DMV and I think I'm OK after that. So that should only take like three fucken weeks or some shit ya know? Or I could drive to Ohio and get it taken done in an afternoon, except that I dont have a license.... Ugh my head hurts. This morning after arguing on the phone with these people (the NY nice DMV lady told me they should be able to fax something that NY can use for the temporary license while waiting on all this paperwork but the fucken cunt said that it's not proper proceedure "joey joey joey kill kill kill") I had the worst fucking headache and the only thing that made me feel better was imagining me chopping down the crab apple tree with the axe. I sharpened it a while back, back in the Geoff days when he was helping with the house and we were taking down the jungle in the backyard. I think I might have to chop that fucken tree down just to vent. And it's also good to get more experience with a really big axe. Anyway I was so pissed off that my nose started to bleed.

I found out something interesting last night while talking to Erin. I told him about the talk with Dan, figuring out he was Andy's brother and we got to talking about Dan. Erin said Dan has asked about me the last times he's seen him. He also said that the pregant girl he keeps in his apartment IS his gf and it IS his baby and that I was right in wording it like I did ("kept") because she rarely leaves the apartment and Dan's pretty controllng. "Dan, that little pip-squeak bearded sensitive guy?" "Oh no Jo, seriously stay away from Dan, the Donahue twins are one thing, this guy is a whole different type of psycho, he's actually really hurt people... why do you think she hasn't left him... that whole sensitive thing is a game of his, I've known him my whole life and he's just started to look like that, he tricks girls into thinking he's a nice guy and then he beats the fuck otu of them." See this should make me want to get a new landscaper, make me wanna cross him off my "To Do" list, but no... it doesn't. In fact, it makes me want to jam with him even more, and I wonder what he'd think of the newest song I want to cover ("Keep Me Hangin On" by Diana Ross). Anyfuckenway I need to get walking home, it's not that far, Im just tired, and not really wanting to go there because there's no furniture or food or microwave or tv but there's a dying dog and dust that gives me headaches and smells that bring back shit I dont wanna remember.

Hits in from Wisconsin on the stats page, one from Appleton a week ago, one from Madison today. Is it Lon? I'm gonna freak out at the library, been two years exactly since I did that last. I need to get the fuck out of here. Just a fucken weekend away, just a vacation ya know? The next two weeks Im gonna isolate myself away from the gang, spending too much money and time, and smoking and eating too much. People in general are bad for me right now, I dont have the right energies around me, I need another reboot. I need to pull back and regroup for a counter attack, pool my resources and use them only for myself. If my mom doesnt let me use the van while she's gone I'm going to steal it and use it anyway, and then Im gonna pack my shit into it and find a nice river far far away to park it by.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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