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Well that was a nice nap� would like to have slept longer but Boggart has been freaking out all morning with the wind and the doors creaking throughout the house. He also smells like cigarettes for some reason and I figure that reason is that he was invited to the camper party last night, which is nice of them to do regardless of the amount of second hand smoke he breathed. He�s missing Pooh Bear a lot, but Nubs (no tail cat) has stepped up and befriended him. The animals aren�t stupid, they know something�s happening. Every week things disappear, first my mom, then the furniture bit by bit, then the one dog� the rest of the animals gotta be thinking the Nazi�s are coming and taking them at night.

I�ve been missing Lon a lot lately. So OK, I miss him a lot, a lot of the time but I�ve been really really missing him a lot lately (hence the -albeit lame- coke binge, I�m sure). Last night at work I'm sweeping the floor and that 80's song "I'll get over you I know I will... I'm the king of wishful thinking" came on, right, so I'm all crying and sweeping and thinking over an over "no customers now no customers now" I feel like an extra special loser to have a breakdown to a Fine Young Cannibals song. I don�t know what to do. Should I call him or is that too much? I don�t think I could handle that either myself. Do I write, and how long, I�m thinking a postcard �Can we talk sometime? ~ Joey.� For starters. I don�t even know where to mail it to, his dad�s house in Wisconsin would be my guess but I haven�t confirmed if he�s there or with his brother or who knows? I only heard through the grapevine that Chris came to NY to pick him up. I�m nervous about mailing or calling to his dad�s house, I�m to blame for everything (in my eyes, ya know, knowing what I know now and what I�m capable of, I could have held things together, coulda taken control, but who knew back then?) so maybe his father blames me as well? The fantasy in my head is to track him from afar, and whenever I�m ready physically and emotionally, I�d surprise him with a knock on the door. I�m nervous about writing, I don�t know his feelings on anything, we�ve only talked twice since I left, pretty superficial shit too. We never talked about me leaving, even when I told him I was leaving. He just finished his pizza and said he was gonna be late for work. And that�s when forever ended, lasting just under 6 years and 8 months. I�ve always been a victim of bad timing. I�m such a pathetic sap. The only thing that gets me through is remembering all the bad times, which there really weren�t too many of, and which is also very unfair to Lon to be remembered like that, but it�s how I handle. Life became a lot harder when I took away suicide as an option.

My cousin Mandy is soon to be here to help me clean up and do finishing touches on the house, and I need to not be so snotty and tearful and twitching etc and should probably take a shower sometime this weekend� and Rollins, gotta meet the beefcake, he�ll dig the NIRVANA tat. Hopefully in a couple days I�ll have pics up of that. Something will happen to cheer me up, I�ll make it happen. I�ll take some petitions down there to be signed for Burl, try to make some more contacts. Do some Good. And I think I�ll be able to catch a bus back uptown, I�ll take my uniform with me and see what happens. Both Laura and Candice are on with me tonight so if I�m late they�ll be covered for a little while.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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