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This'll be my 700th entry, been on since 2000. It so doesnt seem that long ago. I totally missed entry # 666, had I noticed I woulda done something special with it. I dont even know what I wrote about that day.

Anyway, I've been on here a while and I dont plan on going anywhere else, though I did find a neato photoblog site the other day. I like diaryland a lot. I've got quite the life recorded here.

I've been wanting to write ALL NIGHT. I woke up about 8pm, showered, did some laundry and hung out with Rick for a while. I REALLY wanted to get online and write cuz I'd had a crazy ass dream but I needed to make a phone call first to confirm the dream somewhat (I'll get to this in a sec) and after I made the call I was bout to get online and then Erin called me to tell me how he and Tabs had "the committment talk", you know, bout a week or two into a relationship you have THAT talk, about goals and "I been hurt dont hurt me" kinda stuff, getting on the same page kinda stuff, so they have that talk last night, and he said they were all good, and she said she wasnt the type to cheat and Erin's been cheated on heaps so that eased his mind. He fell asleep (passed out) on the couch some time in the night and woke up when Keith, Tabs' ex (dun dun dun) walked in. Gary was asleep in the chair next to Erin and also woke up when Keith walked in. Not even five minutes later Erin says he hears Tabs' bed squeaking (I've heard it and it's loud and cant be mistaken for anything else). Now that's some ho ass shit, like for real I know she's a slut ("I've been with over a hundred guys Joey, that may sound like a lot and all but really those were all from back int he day, I havent been with hardly anyone for the past five years so I've grown up a lot. I was always safe and I had fun and that's all that counts." ewww no that isnt all that counts, and it doesnt make you any less irresponsible to have slept with that many from the age of 16-23 instead of 16-28, you skank, and from the amount of times she's talked about having infections and stuff like that ("I think I have another UTI" or "I need to stop by eckerd's and get some gynelotramin" etc) , not to mention the fact shes got TWO KIDS and Ive never seen any condoms in the apartment or with her ever, nor has she ever bought any or mentioned needing any... anyway I'm glad Erin didnt get in too deep with her and we found out what she's like sooner than later. Seriously though Tabs, that was some HO ASS SHIT!

So the conversation with Erin took up my writing time. I hopped online and the computer said it was 9:29... wtf?? alrighty then, directly shut down the comp and got my shit together for work and headed out the door on my bike. Work was better tonight, got everything on the duties sheet done for the most part. Big drama though, Laura put in her 2 week notice, and Candice has been megabitching about me behind my back. Bossman told me I need to "watch it" cuz there have been complaints from "everybody" that I havent been pulling my weight around there. I told him that's not fair seeing I weigh more than everyone else. He didnt laugh though he said my reaction wasnt anything what he thought it'd be. I talked to Janet, the day baker switched to night baker/supervisor and she said the girls (L and C) are all over my case saying Im too slow and I dont help them out enough. Basically what they want is for me to do my job super fast and then go do theirs too. ahahahaha, I'll get right on that you slanty eyed-wet back cunts. Damn right I'm pissed. The both can shut the fuck up and be thankful they're not back in their home countries where they'd most likely be drugged out prostitutes right now if they even managed to survive this long, which I highly doubt cuz they're both superpussies. Grow up and get the fuck over it. Janet pretty much agreed with the growing up shit, I didnt go racially offensive in front of her though. This is also not the reason I wanted to write, moving on.

So yesterday morning I felt horrible. I never did get that bubble bath cuz I figured it would hurt too much to try to get out of the tub. Wobbely knees plus no bath mat equals disaster for Joey. I did heat up my blanket though, which was awesome to fall asleep with, but not so cool when it warmed up. I guess it's gonna warm up again tomorrow and Thursday, of course it would seeing I found the missing window for my bedroom and installed it and dug out and washed that comforter etc. So I'm toasty in bed and in tremendous pain, seriously Ive been getting charlie horses in the backs of my knees and in the arches of my feet, and something's fucked up with the front right side of my right leg, the muscle under my knee keeps seizing up, sort of like a charlie horse but not so bad, just aching and tight. My shoulder keeps knocking and getting stuck, my fingers cramp up and my left elbow feels like tendonitis/tennis elbow from the I'm-not-kidding-40-pounds-when-wet industrial sized mop head. My bones must be in league with the Nazis or the Republicans or something (I woulda said "in league with the devil" but I'm pretty sure there isn't one and if there is he's on my side moreso than Nazis or Republicans ever could be). So I'm saying to myself like a mantra "it's ok, just go to sleep and it'll be over, just go to sleep and you'll feel better when you wake up, just sleep just sleep just sleep..." I was fetal on my left side with Boggy snuggled up to my back, and Nubs the no tail cat was in front of me. I started to drift off and I felt a hug, like an arm around me, I'm pretty sure I was dreaming or it was one of those Lakota Medicine Room techniques Old Crow taught me how to use but I didn't do this consciously, it musta been autopilot and I'm so loving my autopilot right now, mad props to the autopilot, anyway I feel this hug and it's Lon, and he's saying "I'm right here" and I said "No you're not" "I never left, I'm still waiting for you to come back...." And that's when I came to, woke up fully or whatever, but just for a second cuz I felt really good and wasnt hurting and fell back asleep, I dont even think I remembered the dream then. It was when I woke up around 8 that I remembered. I called Ruby, the private investigator Lon's dad hired to find him. I told her that a month or so ago I'd heard Lon got a ride back to Wisconsin with his brother and I figured the case was closed but then I heard a rumor that someone saw him here in NY and was wondering if she knew of his last known whereabouts or what the deal was with the case. She grabbed her notes and prolly gave me way more information than she was allowed to I'm sure, saying the case was closed July 19th cuz he finally called his dad again and gave him an address to send a letter to, which is in Rochester, and Ruby's all "here's his address... and here's his phone number, I talked to him once, I know he's there." So not only did I get some information, I figured she would only be able to tell me yes or no that he's in Wisconsin, not a whole damn addy and number for him, fucken-a. It's like giving a starving man a prime rib and lobster dinner. So wow... I really wanted to write, then Erin's call came and yadda yadda time for work.

Needless to say I've been hella-manic all night, I could walk to Rochester RIGHT NOW, ya know... like I FEEL GOOD. I guess last week at work on Friday the big boss district manager came in and we flunked a review horribly (maybe cuz I hadnt been in all week, hmmm? seriously I'm the mother fucking glue). So today was our check up review and also bossman and bosslady are over in Buffalo at some training thing (detention for flunking??) and one of the training ops who was with us the first two weeks is here instead. So tonight everything had to be done and done right, I busted my ass cuz I got 90% of my storefront duties done PLUS did the muffins and baked most of the donuts for Janet cuz she was behind talking with bossman before he headed to Buffalo and then talking with me outside about the girls' beef with me. So I got through all of that and after work went to my bank to deposit my paycheck seein my account is negative $265 (coke binge who? not all that, there's $60 in fees and I took out $100 for groceries etc) and I still could only put in $200. My check this week will only be for $200 again but it should be direct deposited, my 30 days should be up to where they dont hold my checks anymore either. That bank blows. Any negative amount in your account and they charge $30 every 4 days, not even 4 business day, just every four days. Also the ATM conveniently doesnt have a minus sign, so when you check your balance and it says you have $38.50 in there you're like sweet gimme 20... and then you get the receipt and it says you have 58.50 in there, hmmm, something's not right.... Rick said he owed $300 plus in fees for having a negative balance for a month, and he didnt even know it was negative cuz of the old disappearing minus sign trick. Whenever the time comes to where I can close the account without paying the early close out fee of $120, I'm closing that bitch. I totally knew I was negative the second time I took that money out and it still gave me money... an ex drug addict who doesnt add too well and an ATM card that never says no go together about as well as elmer's glue and gasoline. So... what the hell was I saying, oh yeah, did my banking, sort of, I dont know my accoutn number and my receipt from the ATM only had the last 7 digits (really, how long does the fucken number have to be for crissakes??) so I put my full name and social on there, also Im not even sure if I can put my paycheck in the night depoit in the first place but seeing the bank's hours coincide with my sleeping hours (10am-7pm) I cant seem to make it there when theyre open. I would say "well they can wait till my day off, negative is negative" but theyll keep charging me $30 every 4 days. I think (hope) that my direct deposit will happen before the next $30 fee, cuz I'm still negative.

Back to Lon. Sorry this entry is so long, maybe I should separate it out but my stats record shows that when I do more than one entry a day the first entry gets overlooked and only the index/newest entry gets read. So OK... Lon. Queasiness in the stomach, gurgling ulcers, more nervous than the FIRST time I met him. Do I write, do I call, do I go there? And what do I write or say... and when?? What should I expect, and what's proper, what's asking too much. What are my goals, what would his be? Does he even want to see me? Is he even really there? Does he hate me? What if he doesnt even want to be my friend let alone maybe possibly try to work things out.... Could I handle that kind of rejection (NO) and what would I do if that happens, is suicide REALLY not an option any more...? I mean, I'm "upbeat" in my diary here, but my pen and paper ones... they get the negative creep, they know what's really going on. I took out the suicide option to challenge myself, and frankly I want life to get easier, not harder. I had everything I ever wanted at one point, thing is, I had it too soon, I didnt want it back then. All this talk of wanting the pot smoking, video game playing, hanging out watching tv boyfriend/bestfriend and that's exactly what Lon was, and exactly what my biggest problems with him were. I was all about goin out to clubs with the gang, doin shit, not sitting at home "wasting my life". And now that's all I want. I wonder, is he clean? Would we not use if we became friends or more again? I know I wouldnt ever, EVER, fucken never do heroin again, but that's the level headed sober me saying that, not lethal/suicidal me drunk off my ass on whiskey at some party months down the road where some loser offers me a bump of "the other white powder" and I'm so self-loathing and ready to implode that I say "fuck the bump, you got a rig?".... If he only wanted to be friends could I handle that? What if he has another girl, I never thought of that... jesus christ I might really have to kill someone ya know? So what the fuck do I do? Autopilot has been very helpful (again, mad props, you tha man) "Bide your time angel baby, not yet, but soon." and as I type all my worries and questions: "Stop over reacting, it'll be peaches, it'll be whatever you want it to be cuz that's how it always goes sooner or later and you know this. You could build a mansion out of clay, water and straw." So I'm biding my time, until my license comes, that's what Autopilot says, and then I'm to go there, make sure he really does live there (surveillence?), and totally catch him off guard. "That way he wont run and hide, that way you get his REAL reaction, that way he wont have time to think, only time to feel" and Autopilot also says "No, you're not waiting until you're perfect, he needs your flaws, yes he needs your progress but he shouldnt be overwhelmed or intimidated by it, you are perfect for him right now, and he NEEDS YOU." See, Autopilot kicks ass. So maybe Lon isnt clean, I'm thinking lots of coke but who knows. Who would he be living with in gates, that's what I want to know. and Ive got the phone number, want to dial the number so bad, want to call and hang up a thousand times until it's him that answers and I've verified he's there... "Not yet... but soon." and I want to talk to EVERYBODY, get opinions... but really other people's opinions and advice have never mattered to me, cuz they are not me, and even those who know me best (Janet and Daniel) still dont know me like I or Autopilot knows me. Besides, I already know what they'd say.... But my vision from a while back, that vision I had... things I envision/imagine, they become visions, as in really being seen, as in being really REAL... and this one was me, in white, sun coming through my hair and it's blinding, reaching a hand down to him, his hand over his eyes from the brightness and the doubt of it really being me, me pulling him up off the ground, me saying "I'm here" and him saying "what took you so long"... I'm making this reality. and if it doesn't happen, if it goes horribly wrong, then at least I got to apologize, and really it'll be the first time in my life that I have cuz it's the only thing I've been sorry for. Make it happen "license first" Make it happen "priorities, Jo" Make it happen "Get 'er done". Another conversation with Autopilot (sometimes there is more than one dialogue going on at the same time in my head, sometimes Autopilot comments on things I think/write or say that aren't directed towards it and sometimes its not even concrete speech I "hear", it's like intuition, but not coming from me but anyway) this reminds me of Geoff's situation a little bit, and it'd be him that I'd go to for advice more than Janet or Daniel just because of the similarities, "Why do you think the spotlight was on him that night?" I thought it was only cuz I needed a refueling "But you could have been 'refueled' by anybody..." (Autopilot's answer makes me wonder what's up with the twin then, what was special about that, will have to think on this later). Similarities like me overhearing Geoff saying on the cell phone me and Autopilot got turned back on for him, right before he walked out of my bedroom/house/life: "I'm coming baby" and I knew he wasn't talking to his son.... Though I feel, always felt Geoff went back too soon, "exactly, and I'm saying bide your time..." I'm going to need some straw and clay and water. "Not now, but soon"

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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