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I am very fucking tired. Open house is being held tomorrow from 2-4 so that means I cant sleep there. The other night, I guess technically last night seeing it was the last night I slept... that was when Erin was in my bed. And today when I got off work Greg (The Layne Staley looking dude) was asleep on the floor in the computer room and his girl was in my bed. Beer bottles all over the place. I just want to fucking sleep, ya know? I'm seeing shadow people already and I still need to get back to the house to clean with Mandy, who'll be meeting me there sometime soon. I'm too tired to get much of anything done, though I still need to mow the yard and clean my room. I think I can do that today (of course I can Im a machine) before passing out, and if I can get at least 4 hours sleep (asleep by 5pm) I should be ok to work again tonight. They switched me to second shift next week without telling me, which is fine except for the night I have court, so Sunday night I work 10pm - 6am and then Im back in at 2pm.... I'm not getting enough hours. I dont know how the fuck Im gonna live on my own. Im sure I will though.

Im in a very fucking bad mood. My account is STILL negative and Ive put in TWO whole paychecks. I cant get ahead. My late fes are more than what I make. Theres no dog food, and no cat litter, and Rick is getting money off of me now. Fucking pathetic. But I look good right, well besides the twitching and the wirey eyes, my legs are super muscular and the flab seriously looks like it's dripping off me, which technically it is/does.

I'm at the library right now, after arguing with the bank for a while I came here and had to wait 45 minutes for a computer, and now I have nothing to say of course.

Im going to explode if I dont do something about the Lon situation soon. WHenever my mom calls next, cuz she always calls at the wrong time, it's 12 hours difference why is it that hard NOT to call me when she knows Im sleeping wtf... and why couldnt she leave some goddamned toilet paper ya know, anyway Im telling her I need the van for court and to take care of that shit for the four days I took off. I need to come up with SOMETHING better, say having to go to albany to meet with some dmv magistrate or something like that. Im too tired to plot right now. One way or another I will be in Rochester this weekend. I'll take the fucking bus.

I wrote in my paper journal today that if he's not there when I knock on the door I'm going to sit on the stoop and wait for him until I die. Melodramatic, I know, but really Im sick of this life and pretending to be so strong and apathetic etc, the machine is running out of oil.... I've gone through every scenerio in my head and the only one that I cannot plan for, that I cant fathom... cant have a preaction to is that if he's got someone pregnant or has a kid. Now I think I woulda heard through the grapevine... but he knows this would kill me and maybe thats why he's in hiding.... His happiness wouldnt kill me, just the baby part for obvious reasons that I havent made all that obvious in THIS diary. But it would kill me. I wouldnt even have to do it myself, my heart would automatically stop beating, I think Autopilot would let it. "No, I think not." I dont even want to think of that happening, but I have to, cuz it COULD happen. How else do you think I get through all the horrible shit? By constantly imagining horrible shit happening and formulating my escape plans ahead of time. OK new topic

Lets talk about my bruises. I dont know WHAT THE FUCK I do on my days off but I wish I wouldn't fucken do it... all I know is that the last time my legs looked this fucked up a Donahue twin was involved, and I dont think these bruises were of THAT kind, although there were TWO of my birth control thingies in my pocket for some reason. I think those go tthere cuz theyre in the same pocket of my bookbag as my adkins bars and I remember wanting to get SOMETHING in my tummy at some point, and my face was against the sweet coldness of the sidewalk at the time, and so maybe the BC dumped out and thats how they got in my pocket, or maybe my lame ass thought I was gonna get laid (yeah right). I also have a zillion tiny mosquito bites, but not as many as I have bruises, but the bites are like the mosquitos tasted me then changed their minds, that's right bitches, my blood is bitter and not for you. My right ankle is swollen and bruised, the left leg pretty much from behind the knee all over the calf and down to my foot is bruised. Also bruises on my tummy and my right boob. I need to stop drinking, stop hanging out with people, start surrounding myself with things that are better than myself and therefore I'll grow through osmosis. I dont think that'll happen around here though. Maybe, I dunno, but Ive met some interesting people and if I can get to know them more....

Thursday night I was at the Lumberyard again, didnt drink at all though cuz Im pretty sure I was still drunk from the night before, mathematically anyways, the bartenders there saying that I was the sole reason theyre thinking of NOT having the $10 all you can drink special anymore, cuz they swear they gave me 10 drinks a piece and there were 4 bartenders, whatever... I didnt drink THAT much. Who cares. Fucken librarian is on my back cuz my phone keeps ringing, first Prett then Rick then Mandy all within 5 minutes. I almost said to her "Cant you see Im on the phone" and waved her away but instead I said "Im gettin bitched at, I gotta go" to Manda, then something like "Ill fucken punch you slut" to the libraian who mustve thought I was sayign that to whoever it was I was on the phone with, or else shed walked away and not heard me at all, either way Im fairly certain the girl next to me thinks Im insane.

what the fuck was I talking about before being so rudely interrupted, oh yeah I met some interesting people Thursday, got to hang with Parker some more, so it wasnt that bad of a night. Parker's a doll, couldnt hang though, hadnt smoked in a while and totally fell out with a belly ache. Then I met some really hot guy named Seaton, which is his real name, and he drives an Audi which he claims he paid for in cash. I talked to Erin about him and E says Seaton used to be THE coke dealer around here, till SWAT knocked on his door one day a few years back... yeah I hate when that happens too, dont think he did time but maybe it scared him enough to get the fuck out of that business. I told him his car was nice but that it smelled like dead animals. He said "So this means you wouldnt ever want to go for a ride?" and I said "In the car? No." ahahah big grin and a head nod from him. So last night, Friday (see Im a learnin my days) I take Rick out for dinner, this is when I thought my paycheck would cover the negative balance and still gimme fifty bucks plus the thirty in my pocket, and we went to macgreggors, and I had my bike in the camper which is a good thing cuz the camper broke down and I ended up havign to ride my bike up all of main street, which coming from the lake is ALL UPHILL... managed to get there in 25 minutes, not bad at all, and it actually wasnt that bad of a ride except that I was pushing myself way too hard trying to get to work on time. Anyway I saw Seaton while having dinner, saw Parker too, but Seaton was crazy thrilled to see me and Erin passed along that S had said I was a breath of fresh air, and Im thinking he was complimenting me and also playing on what Id said about his car being smelly. Very clever guy, someone said he dropped out of Hobart so maybe he's really smart like me. I felt like the man, for real, when he lit up when he saw me, hollared my name across a packed "Fourth Friday" bar, did the cool handshake thing then hugged me then said how awesome I was yadda yadda yes I know how cool I am thank you though cuz its nice to be seen having fucken hot rich guys tells me how cool I am in front of about 200 people, most of which are other hot rich guys... (though not as hot or rich as Seaton Im sure) He was wearing a Muffy's Diving School ("hold your breath and go deep") tshirt and it reminded me of the "guess how many donuts I can fit on my dick" shirt I snagged from Eric that Prett snagged form me (my answer's 42, do you really wanna know?). anyway Seaton may be one of those better than me people that Id like to start hanging with, Parker for sure. I need some fucking roommates. And cute, stable, rich, boy roommates sound like fun.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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