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Yeah it�s been a minute since I updated. And now that I�ve given out the URL for this to someone I know in the real world it�s all weird. I don�t know why I did that, well OK, I do, but it wasn�t a very well thought out decision. But who knew I�d be sleeping with that person later that night. OK I knew that too, (the girl ALWAYS knows that) anyways shut up. So Matt (you know, the thing you walk all over), who just had full access to my body, now has full access to my mind� oh dear.

And the things that have happened since I last updated� insane boy stuff� yes Im 26 and still call em boys� but yeah, CRAZY stuff. I really like Matt so I cant say them, ugh I better not have fucked up my whole diary� but no, I need to still be myself. I don�t know what to do. Yes I do, just do it� just SAY it.

The following is not how I REALLY am, like how I am all the time. But I see opportunities and I don�t pass em up, I usually weigh consequences and shit like that, make sure what Im giving is worth what Im getting. I know I said I was growing out of my �slutty phase� but still had unfinished business, one or two names on my To Do list. Well a few nights ago I was able to cross off one of those names, the only one that really mattered� yeah buddy the other twin� and before any judgments are passed (and/or feelings are hurt) I want to say yes I feel pride in that I accomplished a goal, and the satisfaction of the hunt and all that �I�m the man� control and conquest bullshit� yeah I don�t deny that at all, but I do feel a little cheap that I got together with Matt days after all that happened. It�s so opposite, the situations were polar, Im very confused right now from all this weird shit happening, talking with Matt this afternoon and bringing up all kinds of bullshit that�s happened to me, then the missed phone call I had during the convo with Matt (I�ll get to that, totally freaky), then work calling me in tonight and me being so fucking tired and unmotivated and not really able to work but me still saying yes knowing Im going to be so hurt and tired working on no sleep with a sore knee� but if I could get through it that other time I can do it again� so anyway my mind is all a jumble right now. Anyway, I had way more fun with Matt. There was feeling there and talk there and it wasn�t just car accident sex. I like him a lot but I don�t know what his situation is with his ex-girlfriend or girlfriend or whatever and I don�t know what the situation with me is, so I don�t want to start liking him too much and have it all turn out like Geoff going back to his wife after being in contact at the divorce hearing.

And this leads me to the missed call. Im not shitting you, I was TALKING ABOUT HIM, to Matt, explaining what Ive been up to while here in NY, �yeah I dated this guy for a while, bout a month, he wanted to quit drinking so I helped him get sober, then we got his phone turned on and wouldn�t you know it�� you know I was telling him this like as in �don�t do this to me� and this is what Harlan did, don�t do that either� and Eric cheating �she�s just like you, but BETTER� yeah that sucked too� So as Im explaining that, while Matt and I are talking, my phone�s out in the camper still. And Rick comes in as Matt�s on his way out (about 3pm) and there�re a few missed calls, check the screen OK work called, Prett called and what the fuck, Geoff called?!?!? Ohhh-kayyyy�. I give him a call back, and he�s like �So what did you want?� me-�Um? You called me�� him-�no you called like two weeks ago, what�s up?� me-�I thought youd called me before then asking for someone named Jessica, then I figured it probably wasn�t you� him-�it could have been me�.� Me- �so anyway, what�s up?� him-�yeah I was just in the middle of writing a song and out of nowhere I thought of you, it was kinda sad, and I called you and now youre talking to me� me- �how are you doing?� him-�Im ok, how are you doing?� I say to him �only OK?� and he says �Nah you should be doing great, better than OK� and I said �No, I was saying that about you, you should be the one that�s great for sure� him- �well, I�m ok� we talk a little bit more and he says-------see this is fucked up, he just called AGAIN� ugh boys� I don�t get you� if you have ONE you don�t need TWO �why are you calling me Geoff, WHY�� �I need a friend Jo�, you helped me once�, you were the fucken best�, awe Im all fucked up� is what the second convo went like. But I managed to get out of him that only Johnny�s at the farmhouse right now and he�s really in need of roommates. Very possible, very very� I�ll have to give Johnny a call soon. I cant take many more days here.

So he misses me but he�s still with his wife, he�s drinking but only on the weekends� yeah, it�s a little of this world and a little of that world� at the end of the first call he said he was working on a song and needed to concentrate, and on the second call he was walking home he said �so why did you really call me?� �I worry� I said, he says �about me? Why?� �What the hell do you mean why?� �I fucked up Jo� �yup, you did� and he actually asks �can we be friends but not fuck??� and I said �isn�t that pretty much what we were when we were more than friends� we only fucked four times that whole month ya know� �for real? I musta been REALLY drunk, really all I remember is how great you were and then the stuff after I got sober I remember but the weeks I was drinking and was with you I only remember that you were awesome and I need some awesome back in my life so do you think we can be friends?� �We had this talk already and you said yes we could and then never called�.� �Im all fucked up, and I think my phone�s gonna die soon� which it did, shortly thereafter. He�d been saying thwe whole convo that it was dying. I called back and it went straight to vm and I said that he can call me anytime, that I work tonight but then don�t work till Thursday and if he wants to have lunch somewhere or needs to talk� etc etc etc Hey Geoff, friends DONT fuck, moron, and yes, I'd love to be your FRIEND.

And while on the second call with Geoff, Rick�s friend Mac stops by and gets us all stoned. Just what I needed. And Im working a 10pm-6am tonight and need to wash my uniform and it�s cold and raining and I have nothing warm but my junked out looking hoodie. Fuck, so much has happened and I have no time to splain it all. Got kicked out of that party, did I even tell about that?, saw that douchebag again and he supposedly gave a note to Tabs apologizing for kicking me out n being an asshole, a note which I didn�t ever see but once I decide you�re an asshole then youre pretty much destined to be an asshole in my eyes forever� I don�t believe in apologies, if you�re truly sorry you wouldn�t have done it in the first place, also he didn�t even apologize to me� so it�s toally gay. If I haven�t gotten to tell about that lame ass party I�ll get to it when I have some decent online time. Then all the boy stuff happened, I cant remember what the fuck night I brought down (as in like bringing down a wild beast) Dale, only that we trashed Parker�s car in the process (which Im gonna get detailed for him� yeah, THOROGHLY trashed, like boot prints on the ceiling trashed). I wasn�t even flirting with Dale, I was almost thinking it wasn�t going to happen, but nah, he definitely talked to his brother (�He said you were pretty good but you�re fucken awesome!�) and he wasn�t letting me drive him STRAIGHT home (�let�s talk somewhere��. �talk, huh? You got a condom for this talk?� �Is five enough?�) I don�t want to be that person anymore, the first twin, that was, well I cant explain it anymore than it happened to erase Geoff. Heartbreak then one nighter� nothing happens for a while then I meet someone cool and get my heart trashed again, and erase it with a one nighter, it�s a cycle and it�s sad, and I think lots of people are like this too. The other twin, that was just unfinished business really, (you don't just eat ONE Reese's peanut butter cup do you, if they come in pairs, you're suppozed to eat them both) and scientific research, ya know� cuz I was REALLY fucken curious about how the other one would be, were they identical, ya know, twin stuff. And who passes up fucking twins� even if it�s not at the same time, it�s still twins, sheesh. I�m gonna spare the details cuz Im not in a superman kind of mood, and also ya�ll got enough details with what happened with the first twin. And also it�s pretty rude if Matt does read this, but like I said, I didn�t know how that would turn out (or how it will turn out) so whatever, I don�t fucken know. I been talking too fucking much and Im beginning to tire of words.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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