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It's fucken cold. When I popped the heat on it was 54 degrees in the house. My fingers are still too cold to be typing and I have to warm them up between sentences. Boggy's under my blanket. He says "Dammit woman, why'd you have to shave my hair off so late in the summer, now Im fucken freezing and it aint grown back and at this rate it wont be long again till February, and I aint gonna wear some homo sweater until then you bitches!" Seriously, that's what he says.

I need to run errands today, though it's buck ass cold and Im on a bike... and Im not in the mood to fuck with the dmv anymore... though I want my god damned license back, I still need to wait for my paycheck cuz the license will be something like $60 or some other ungodly amount of money that I dont have yet. But there are decent cars around for $500 down and that's two paychecks, and it wont be long after getting the license until I have a car. Im going to apply for a part time job at my favorite pizza place today, theyre looking for lunch help 10-2 or somethign like that. Im always in there and always making nice with the owner and we chit chat abotu horton's a lot and he's been in there and sees how well I do there so it shouldnt be a problem unless theyve already hired somebody. So i gotta stop by the bank and check my balance, I might have $20 and I might not... then by Pudgies to apply for that job, then down to the DMV to see if theyll take my receipt for proof that I paid my third ticket, or if they need something more than a receipt for proof (for real, what the fuck IS a receipt if not PROOF OF MOTHER FUCKING PAYMENT!!! OH MY GOD THIS IS WHY PEOPLE FLY PLANES INTO YOUR BUILDINGS AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH ARRRGGGGHHH!!!!! see, I dont know if I can handle the DMV today, I'll end up going Sam Kinison on their asses) then I need to go pick up that Lance Armstrong book at the bar and return that and two others to the library and pay my late fees if I have that questionable $20. Then it's back here for pot then tacos then sleep, talk about incentive to get my chores done.... Beer pong tonight and most likely the weekly party at Seaton's. I should probably save my weed for then, just cuz I always end up out there with no money and no party supplies and feeling left out, which is lame cuz 99% of those over there are losers doing loser drugs. There is way too much coke in this little town. It's like Twin Peaks around here (minus the FBI).

I finally emailed Lon back. It took me a while to figure otu what to say. I held back a lot, it was more of an invitation to talk more than me actually saying anything. I thought to copy it here but I remembered how he hated it when I'd talk about him in the diary. I asked him if he'd answer emails if I wrote him, or if we could chat online sometime, and I explained that I had some questions to ask him and some things to say and maybe he had questions and things to say to me too. I also said soemthing about him telling me to do something positive with my life, I said that I thought I was doing something positive and I thought I was doing better, but that maybe I just think I am and I'm really not, it's hard to judge your own life like that and from an outsider's standpoint maybe Im the same old loser? Anyway I dont want to depress myself, I need the mania today to get through the chores. Hopefully he emails me back sometime soon. Im miss him so much. Im such a fuck up. Why was I so goddamned suicidal, why couldnt I save both of us? New motherfucking subject.

So my mom says I can have her living room set, which smells like Boggart and is a little cat scratched but would still be the nicest furniture I've ever owned. Im not sure if it's Lay Z Boy or what but it was expensive. A huge couch with reclining ends and one of those bigger than usual "fat ass" chairs, reclines and has ottoman too I think. I also get the leather recliner and footstool too cuz those are all pin holes from cat claws. Rick gave me the bed I sleep in and it'll be the first in a long time that Ive had a bed and not just a mattress and boxspring on the floor. And I like the bed, bittersweet memories, comfort in being sad (Why does it always come back to him...). I need to talk to Johnny again, I dont want to move in way out there until I have a car. Maybe something will happen for my birthday (yeah right) and I'll get some money from somewhere and the car thing will happen sooner than expected. Its very expensive to get a car on the road in NY. And I have no clue how much my insurance would be, though I havent had nearly as many tickets in the last two years as I had in the two before that. Really just the speeding ticket I got here in 2002 right before I left for Texas, and then another one a few months earlier than that, in April or May of 2002 and that was in Ohio. The whole car through the house thing in Houston was never reported to the police (well they were called but no tickets were issued cuz they realized it was a domestic) so Im not sure if an insurance agency would find that out or not. Also the other accident I got into with Harlan wasnt reported to the police either. Maybe this is why it's taking so long for me to get my license back.... Am I more responsible now? Have I learned a lesson? anyway, I guess that's about all for now. It's still fucking freezing and it doesnt look like the sun's coming out today.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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