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I enjoyed my night last night. I was slow moving after getting out of bed, shower, updating here and starting some laundry. I had an apple and peddled my ass down to karaoke. Once there and not seeing anybody I knew yet I biked over to Subway for a sammich (FYI Baked Doritos suck ass) then back over to the bar. I sang pretty well last night, all mostly new stuff. I started with Another One Bites the Dust, which I used to sing in Htown but haven�t yet here. I sang Alanis� Uninvited, first time ever and I did fairly well for not really knowing how the song went and also I REALLY had to piss and he told me I was next right as the dude ahead of me was finishing up his song. Third song I did was Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress, by the Hollies, the lyrics to which I�ll have to post cuz theyre fucked up. I was thinking of dedicating the song to Seaton but he�d left by then and also he wouldn�t have found it funny.

Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call up the DA man
When I heard this woman singing a song

A pair of 45's made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5-9 beautiful tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
'Cos that long cool woman had it all

I saw her heading to the table
Well a tall walking big black cat
When Charlie said I hope that you're able boy
Well I'm telling you she knows where it's at
Well then suddenly we heard a siren
And everybody started to run
Jumping out of doors and tables
Well I heard somebody shooting a gun

Well the DA was pumping my left hand
And she was holding my right
Well I told her don't get scared
'Cos you're gonna be spared
Well I'm gonna be forgiven
If I wanna spend my living
With a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5-9 beautiful tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
'Cos that long cool woman had it all

SO ANYWAY, I stayed in the kitchen till most of the party had left. Seaton had asked me to have everyone out by 4am, and for the most part I got em out. I stayed the night, it was me, Seaton, T and Ken. I was in charge of getting him awake, packed and on the plane. We were running late, T and Ken had to be to work by 7:30 in Farmington, we left the house at 6am, that gave them an hour and a half to get Seaton to the airport in Rochester, get his cocked ass thru security and then back to Farmington for work. They also had a few stops to make in the meantime.

And Ken, my god, seriously if there�s a relapse in me, if I die again, it will be with him. He�s as tempting as the heroin. I�m the most alone as I�ve ever been in my life right now, Boggy AND Gramma aren�t doing so well recently� and the slow, warm, suffocating tar pit of heroin addiction looks mighty inviting when there�s a blue eyed beauty willing to step into it with you. We lounged around together for an hour and he told me again, this time in more detail, what it was like to have the police crowbar his door open to find him nodded off and his girlfriend grey faced and foamy mouthed with her head in his lap. If he wouldn�t have gotten busted right then, he would have woken up to find her blue and cold with dried foam all over his lap, and he woulda done what most any junky woulda done, gathered up the rest of the heroin and OD�d himself to join her. Romantic, isn�t it? Romeo and Juliet on smack, someone should write THAT screenplay. So As I�m getting out of the backseat of T�s Mustang this morning Ken says to me �Call me, I gave you my number last time, right, why haven�t you called?� �Ken, baby, I would give ANYTHING to stop the world and melt with you, and that�s why I can�t call you.� Seaton says, �Joey, you�re god damned amazing.� And then Ken gives me that smile, �god his fucken smile�� I said under my breath to Seaton, I was at his window outside the car. �That smile will be the death of you.� �No it wont.� Big grin from S, and we hug, �See you when you get back in the springtime�� �But I�m only going for�� and I just give him a look that says �who you think you foolin, this is Joey you talking to biotch� and he finishes �OKOK I�ll see you when I get back.� �You wont even recognize me baby baby.� �Be safe, and email me, bitch.� T made sure he had my #, I could tell Ken was trying to memorize it by the way his eyes were up in his head and his lips were moving (god his lips), let�s hope he was as drunk as I think he was, which he was� he stopped making sense about a half hour before we left Seaton�s house. And they had to go to work after the airport remember, still drunk on no sleep. And guess where both of them work? A bottle recycling plant� so they have to smell dank ass nasty beer all fucken day, ugh. I shake my head in wonder and confusion.

Last night confirmed some things for me, well I already knew em but it�s a nice kick in the ass. I really do need to get to the farmhouse asap, I am nearly complete when taking care of people, and really that�s what Ive done my whole life� brought up myself and my brother, I was always the peacekeeper and organizer of my friends, home nursing Jacob and nannying his sisters those three years, all my students in the americorps programs� and then all the �men� I�ve mommied� I need to run a boys� home or something. If I cant have a husband and a handful of sons of my own running amuck then that would be a second best. It �dawned� on me as I�m simultaneously shaving T, while knocking on the wall that connects to Seaton�s room �Seaton in two minutes I�m going to get you out of that bed myself� and a mumbled slew of cusswords and disrespeckin comes out of Seaton�s mouth, to which I respond �Who ya talking to Seaton, cuz I know it ain�t Joey� and T busts out laughing and I nearly slice him open. Ken meanwhile is in the computer room winning and/or losing big at real time texas hold em online. Ken is playing with Seaton�s credit card number AND he�s ALL FUCKED UP, so I gotta keep monitoring that too: �Jo, I got a ten seven suited with a three, eight, and a jack but not my suit, this dude just went all in $17 what should I do?� �Did he raise before the flop? And if so how much� �it was decent but not enough to scare me away� �exactly, cuz he�s got a pair of either threes, eights or jacks, my guess is jacks, and he didn�t want you to fold, so fold now before you lose any more of Seaton�s money� and we watched the rest of the hand played out and one dude didn�t fold, and I was right, the guy had two jacks in his hand. So as this was happening I thought to myself, this is where I belong, a house full of boys that I can turn into men the whole while theyre turning me into a lady. I�m angling off T�s sideburns and he says �Did you really do the dishes?� and I said �Leave it better than you found it.� And T says �Who are you, really??� �Hey Ken, say my name!� and the word �JOEY!� gets bellowed throughout the house �That�s who I am.� and then we here Seaton go �okok fuck, I�m awake fucken a� and a minute later he�s in the bathroom with T and I, even though there�s another bathroom RIGHT next to the one we were in, and T asks how he feels and Seaton makes this �muughhhhrrrrppphhhwwaaaahhh� kind of sound and leans back against me and finishes pissing. I get him motivated �You�re going to come to and magically be in San Francisco in the arms of the woman you�re going to be marrying�� �Come on Ken, game�s over, we gotta get my ass to the airport.� �but I�m up $37�� and I corrected him �no no no, I�M up $37, and you don�t need another god damned thing to be addicted to, game over� and Seaton corrected me �No no no, I�M up $37 bitches!� and to me �You really won me $37? I owe you a shot.� And Ken says �Suuuuure, you�ll do shots with Seaton�� �Ken I�ll do a million shots with you� of anything but heroin, which is what I think you have in mind.� �always� �It goes away in time, the dreams go away, the urge then the want goes, even the lines on your arms go away, but you have to make the NEED go away on your own, we�ll talk more when you�re more sober. And you�re lighting the wrong end of your cigarette for cristsakes get that out of the toaster, there has got to be a zillion lighters around this house� �but the toaster is right here�.� �the toaster�s not even plugged in, oh my god go sit down before you hurt yourself, or maybe see if Seaton needs help packing. No more computer, no more fire and no more beer, better yet you�re not allowed in the kitchen anymore, who knows what the fuck you�d do to the juicer.� �I bet you�d like to watch.� And that mother fucken smile again. Indeed a night to remember.

That made two nights in a row where I had to stop and check to make sure I was really there and yes in fact that shit really was happening. The other night in the camper, for real, Greg tongue kissed Rick, and Rick nearly killed Greg because of it. Greg almost fell down and Rick caught him and Greg goes �My hero!� in a girlie voice and goes to hug him, so Rick goes to hug Greg just playin along, and then WHAM tongue in mouth and EVERYBODY saw the tongue go in his mouth and there was a collective �UUUUGHHHHHCCKKK!� from the rest of us, though had it not been Rick I would have found it sexy� but anyway it�s a reason, but not the reason, why I didn�t kiss Greg the whole time we were in bed together. I�m getting girlie and self-conscious now, I want to tell him I was only at like 60% that night and I�m capable of much more which is so lame�. Also I�ll be working until god knows when and wont see him for a while now, definitely not until Sunday night and maybe not even then, so I hope he doesnt think I'm avoiding him. I work over night tonight, tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday I�m supposed to work from 2-10pm, but I have a feeling they�ll ask me to work overnight instead. I haven�t even seen next week�s schedule yet. I fucked up and fucked my bank account up again, and I�ll work all the hours they offer me. Right now, even though I got six hours of good sleep this morning, I�m going to take a nap before work. I dont know how long of a nap because my bike is still at Erin�s house from last night and I called my mom to see if she was in town and if so could she pick me up so I can get my bike sometime before work. It was too cold to ride it last night. She is fine for a couple minutes (fine meaning decent and human) and then she flips out �I hear a voice of someone who is not allowed in my house� and Im fucken here alone, plus the fact that she never said anyone wasn�t allowed here, and that fact that she thinks she can ban anybody from anywhere�, plus the fact that she thinks this is HER house... �there�s no one fucken here, what the fuck are you talking about?� and she started to argue with me and I thought �not wasting my time�, and I just closed the phone back up and �forgot� the conversation ever happened. There wasn�t even ANY noise in the background at all to even make her suspect it was a voice, not to mention that voice being the voice of the person, whoever that is, that�s supposedly not allowed here�. And Im a hundred times more mental than my mom... fucken christ almighty get me the fuck out of here because it�s always been contagious and I don�t need to be 101 times more mental than she is "nap time Jo, dont pay her no heed, all will be well" "ah, Autopilot, where ya been my man?" "I'm always here, let's go to bed."

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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