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Many fucked up dreams lately. The most fucked up being the one I woke up from at 6pm tonight. My head still isnt straight from that one, paranoia lingers, I keep watching for hulking shadows of burley men hefting axes above their heads. I'm not sure why I'm so frightened, afterall I was on their side in my dream. So anyway, how was YOUR day?

Things are wonderful with Greg. A bit confusing though. He keeps me guessing sometimes. He jokes about getting married on April 20th (4-20), at least the FIRST time he brought it up I thought he was joking, now he brings it up every time we're together. The first time he asked if I thought he was marrying material and I said "If you were sober, yes." and he said "How sober?" and I said "30 days would be a good start" and he didnt drink for a couple days probably just to prove he could do it (just like with Heroin, the first couple days are the hardest). He said we should get married on April 20th, which is cute, and I told him our outfits could be made of hemp and the guests could through pot seeds instead of rice or birdseed. "But we dont smoke shit that has seeds?" Funny. But yeah, he seems pretty serious. He found my purple notebook, which has about 20 pages handwritten about him (which confuses me to what I've written in here already), and in the back of the notebook there was a page he wrote on. Now I was very fucking tired last night. I drank 3 beers at the Pick during karaoke, sang a lot cuz there werent many singers, ran around and generally acted a fool (plus Geoff -receeding mohawk- was there, I'll tell more later) so I had worn myself thin by the time I picked Greg up from work at 1:30 am, then we started smoking, then made it back to the house about 3 when I TRIED to stay awake best as I could, made it to 4:30. Greg downed 6 beers in two hours, and had another two after I fell asleep so even if he did read the notebook he was probably too drunk to make sense of it (as if it's easy to make sense of this shit sober...). Anyway what he wrote is very cute. I'm in a funk, like I said, the Jedi mind tricks only combat Bipolar symptoms so much... mind over matter is great when you're able to give conscious thought to something over long periods of time, which I cant do right now so I rely on Autopilot to help me out... (please excuse me, I'm not making much sense and Im having trouble typing) I'm in a low right now, mind is foggy, paranoid, and my focus is aimed down, as in black, as in not optimistic... so last night he didnt kiss me when he got in the van, and this morning when I had to do the seducing I start thinking he doesnt like me blah blah blah when really he only had had four hours sleep from working a ten hour shift and then drinking himself to sleep... and then he didnt kiss me when I dropped him off either... paranoia sets in even more. I'm thinking hard about it all, only seeing negative and I remember last night in my half-sleep him asking me how much I weigh and I have this graph I made thats right above the scale in my room and it charts the lose, a red line steadily going down until it levelled off about two months ago and then started to rise again. He asked why I'd gained, I said that was when I got my bike, and told him to look at the sizes (no tape measure for inches, rely on pant size) cuz when I get into a smaller size I write the date on the chart. He spent a long time reading it and it was freaking me out cuz he didnt say anything about it, good or bad. Personally I think it deserves cheer but anyway what the fuck was I talking about? OK so he left me hanging on all that and then asks if I got paper and he grabs the notebook that's one quarter filled with writing all about him and sits back on the bed, rests his head on my hip and starts writing. He said he had a deal for me, I figured it would be of the "if you lose such n such weight by such n such time I'll...", I've heard it all before. When he stopped I asked if I could read it and he said he wasnt done. I kept falling in and out of sleep. He'd toss the notebook by my head and then wake me up crawling over me to get it. I wish I had a scanner so you could see the layout of it and his penmanship but basically it said the date how much I weigh and how much he weighs (in his words "140 in clothes, shoes and wet dreds") then under that he's got "4-20-04 married?" then under that he's got "5-01-04 quit drinking??? WHATEVER" then under that he's got "04-20-06 Joey=140#/yoga/abs=SEXY" "Greg=180#/weight lifting/abs=SEXY" then under that he has "4-20-56 Greg-dead/sexual heart failure Joey=$$$" that was where he took a half hour break in writing and let more beer soak into his brain, the rest of the writing was quotes he or I said and nonsense like "Beebop freeze dried?" and "Don't say 'penis' say 'cock', it's sexier." which I actually remember saying to him but I dont know why. But anyway it was reassuring, though brought up more questions, I need to tell him I dont expect him to quit drinking, and I also need to tell him that I can be at 140 pounds way sooner than 4-20-06. But for someone who's brought up getting married so often you'd think he'd kiss me before going into work or say he loves me or something... not that Terminator's need such things, but you know, it's nice every once in a while to feel human.

Onto Geoff, cuz this is fucked up right here. I get to the Pick around 8:30. Gary was hanging with Rich, who's fresh out of jail. They wanted me to hang but they were at Rich's uncle Dave (who's only a couple years older than Rich). Dave in an exjunkie, clean time unverified if you know what I mean, also he's Nicole's ex boyfriend and smack companion so there are too many reasons not to hang out around him. Gary was supposed to call me for a ride, (Ive had the van for a couple days) but didnt so I assumed he'd be at the Pick with the rest fo the gang. I walked inside and my phone rang, it was him but the reception was really bad and eventually the call was dropped. I walked outside and was trying to redial the call but the number had been witheld so I couldnt, meanwhile someone in the parking lot keeps saying "hey, how ya doin??" and then the phone rings so Im talking to gary when I realize it's Johnny who keeps saying hello to me and Geoff is acting all weird like "oh shit" like he didnt want to see me. Johnny seemed like he wanted to talk and I told him Id be back inside. After talking to Gary who said he wanted to hang there longer and wanted to know if Id pick him up later... (yeah right) I went back inside and said hello to Johnny and Geoff. It was very odd, and this added to the frame of mind I think, or else the depression-funk was there last night too and my mind wasnt able to sort it all out-- but Geoff so didnt want me there and Johnny so did. "I missed you around the house, it's too quiet now, plus no one's taken back the bottles in months..." He talked to me more than Geoff did. Chris was there, he's the editor of local free paper called the Town Crier and I was able to talk to him about that obituary position with the Messenger. He said I should apply, though dont be surprised if they pick someone with some sort of college journalism background. Talking with Geoff... hot and cold, it was similar to the first night standing there talking to him about girls, only this time I didnt feel nervous, the spotlight from Autopilot definitely was NOT on him anymore, and he wasnt as beautiful as I'd remembered him being, and his mohawk was combed down just like I said in my song. I told Johnny about the song and he really liked the title. I'm sure he told Geoff about it (I hope he did). I hung out with the four of them, another guy I'd met over there named Jim showed up too, until Tabs showed up, and then Jenn and Monique showed a hlaf hour after Tabs. Geoff was kinda tryign to get all over Tabs but she had heard so much abotu him from me when he and I had broken up or whatever (she likes guys with big dicks that are good in bed and fuck a lot and Geoff's none of those things) that he wasnt an option, which is hilarious cuz youd figure having slept with over 150 men, ANYONE is an option for Tabs. Yeah, and I thought Geoff was a slut. (holy shit Im a bitch). Actually Geoff IS a slut, he's got some new girlfriend, besides the wife, and was flirting with tabs, got shot down, then started macking on the second hottest girl in the bar, some older woman, prolly 38 years old, and she shot him down too. They were on their way out and I was looking for Tabs, had walked right by her cuz she was on the other side of the jukebox, and had walked out the front door to the smoking area where Geoff was. "What are ya following me?" "No Im looking for Tabs" "You walked right by her, she's by the jukebox... I bet if she were bent over you woulda recognized her." (I'd been smacking Tabs's ass ALL night, and she mine... ; ) "Yup. It's not like she's got titties to look at... besides, it's a nice view." "Please, yours is much better, you bent over to pick up a pencil for karaoke and I recognized it. It'd be nice to see it again..." "You get shot down and I'm the fallback... no no no, not even if you'd have hit on me first, not even if I didnt have a boyfriend that I like a whole hell of a lot more than I liked you, not even if you woulda come back to my house the day after you left saying you'd be right back and this is the first time Ive seen you since then... not even at all Geoff. It was nice seeing you again, Johnny's spozed to call me to jam sometime, maybe I'll see you around, goodnight" Closure feels good, I should get it with everybody that's done me wrong.

I need to get ready for work. 9:30 to 3am tonight and tomorrow, then I work tuesday friday and saturday of next week 9-2am all three days. And I'll be putting in applications to other places tomorrow and monday.

My mom's best friend is selling me her car, not sure what it is, just a winter beater, for $1000. She'll take a hundred a week for it. But I need the insurance downpayment and to get it registered/plates for it. Thats another $300 or so right there... which is two paychecks... so I dotn know when the car will actually be in my possession. Still need to get leads on an apartment. Got the essay written for college application and most everything filled out, need immunization records, need transcripts, need $ for transcripts, need $ for application fees, need better job, need more sleep, need to get to work....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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