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After posting the last entry I went back to my bedroom and said something like "if you dont want to be with me then I dont want you here, all you're doing is taking up space in my bed." He flipped out and walked home, which wasnt my intent. I wanted him to sit up and tell me what the fuck's going on.... He wouldnt get in the car and talk to me so I followed him to his house, walked in behind him and started talking to his landlord. He grabbed a beer (7 am...) and went back on the porch. We sat out there talking for an hour (FREEZING!! I only had one sock on, blue toes!). I STILL didnt get an answer as to why he wont fuck me but he did swear he wants to be with me, he says he was upset that I didnt want to get married anymore cuz he really really does, said he loves me, both of me... but he couldnt answer why the no sex shit is going on, nor could he tell me how long it will last. I asked if he was fucking someone else and he got mad that I would think he'd cheat. I said that he cheated on Nicole with me (and there were others before me) because Nicole "didnt put out enough" so why wouldnt I suspect that he'd get it from elsewhere if not from me. A lightbulb came on above his head... really, does he not understand me at all... that was a logical conclusion, of course your girlfriend is gonna think you're cheating if all of a sudden you're not puttin out for a whole month plus when for the previous three months you had been fucking a million times a day.... I think he really doesnt know how to put himself in my place. "You're worried that I'd leave you?" um HELLO... I asked him to carry the laundry basket up the stairs for me the other day and he says "you're gonna milk this pregnancy shit for all you can get huh?", he's reluctant to move in with me or stay the night on my nights off... and the only time we spend together is at bars, not to mention the no sex shit that's been goin on, gee why would I worry he'd ditch me? No he isn't trying to drive me away he says, yes he still finds me attractive... then what the fuck? He couldnt answer when I asked if I should still keep trying to seduce him (which isnt the problem, he'll be totally hard and still not fuck me!), which I think Im not going to do cuz Im prone to flipping out and killing him soon, definitely raping him. I dont know. I think it has to do with something I havent brought up int he diary yet. That thing still hasnt been confirmed so Im still not gonna bring it up yet. But if he's making me go without over a miscommunication... or something gay like that... holy shit. He got me the NIRVANA boxed set a couple days ago when he borrowed my car to go to the porn shop in Geneva. He shoulda just gotten me a vibe instead. Anyway I got some reassuring answers, reassuring as long as he was truthful... and we all know how truthful boys are... so yeah...

As for work, Im goign to bug them into giving me 20 hours somewhere, either between the two stores or splitting the shifts up or something. I need 20 hours a week if Im going to be applying for rent assistance. I did my taxes this afternoon and I get back $500. That will either pay off the car or get me an apartment.... I also need to get the bankruptcy rolling, I had an appt with a lawyer today but I didnt go cuz I needed to give him $200. I think I might have to use some of the tax return towards that... and not have an apartment.... I dont fucken know. Everything seems to hit all at once. It's not like I have all that many bills, right now $100 a month for the car and $76 for insurance. But then i got that lawsuit against me forcing me into bankruptcy, the need for a place to live.... I guess I should get up early and dick with social services tomorrow. ugh. That's if Greg doesnt spend the night. I was thinking earlier that there's no point in his coming over any more if he's not gonna fuck me, cuz then it's like tempting and more frustrating... and I REALLY dont take rejection well, but after I left his house this morning (he stayed there) and got back into my bed alone I changed my mind... that it's still nice to have him there. I dont know. I dont get it. I usually get what I want, usually can get people to do what I want, I can usually read people well and it's never been like that with him. He's confusing and frustrating.

I'm thinking of starting a written journal to the baby, I think that would be a good idea.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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