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It's days like this that really reinforce why people think Im obsessed with Cobain. Things are very dark right now and he is forever the example of what not to do. Especially now with the baby, I can see how he could have killed himself even though he loved Frances so much. I feel the same way but I look at what he could have done, the options that he missed, things like that. Cuz suicide isnt an option anymore it makes the game harder to play. Suicide used to be an emergency exit, a do-over, a safety net that I dont have anymore.

Im having Greg sign the paternity papers sometime today, just incase (it seems all the "just incases" are becoming realities). I'm going to lay out a few options for him. I dont have it all the way planned out yet, it's still murking around my brain but one option will be to give up all parental rights. If he does that then I cant ever get child support but I could get all the social services help I need for now (being screwed in the long run though). If I apply for TANF the social service department would garnish his wages starting the 4th month of pregnancy, in order to reimburse them for giving me aid. I would have no problem in doing this but I would want to make sure that I would still get benefits if he quits his job and moves (which he's threatened to do already), and also only if I actually get 17% from social services, the whole thing seems like a scam to make them money. He could start voluntarily giving me something a week, like $50 (far less than 17% of his adjusted gross income), or he can give me $100 a week, half of which I'll save and add to my tax return for an apartment for he and I. He says he wants to be a family but then he also says that he has until late august before he has to "settle down and be a dad". I can tell he really does want to straighten up, but I can also tell that it's not going to happen. He defeats himself saying he's too old, too far gone, a "cant teach an old dog new tricks" kind of thing. He thinks he can stay the same, drinking until closing time at the bar EVERY NIGHT, then drinking more when he gets here or home. He thinks he can keep that up until the baby is born and then magically be able to stay at home with me, not drinking, and be a daddy. I dont expect him to quit drinking totally, just not spending $400 and every night of the week at the bar. My gas tank and refrigerator are empty and I sit next to him for an hour while he puts five after five into the touch screen video game.... Even if he wants to be a family I think I should start getting something from him now before he wastes it all.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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