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I dont know if Ill be able to deal with seven more months of depression like this. Optimistically, it's so strong that it seems absurd and not real, so it's almost copeable, or avoidable at least. I cant think of anything significant I do, or have done in the past days. OK I actually managed to make the deadline to apply for that civil service test. I have a couple of weeks to practice for it, but really... when the baseline is typing 35 wpm with an acceptable 7 errors... (as if any errors are acceptable to me) I'll just have to remember to add the apostrophes I leave out, and make sure I spell "about" the right way. Im hopeful that Ill land a govt job and Im actually pretty confident because jobs are given according to test scores, which is how it always motherfucking SHOULD BE!

Let's talk health. Had my second baby visit on Monday. Got all my lab tests back, I have no diseases, am immune to everything the tested immunity to, and my fucken drug test came out negative too. HELLO... I swear I smoked weed almost every day before I found out I was pregnant, not to mention the pills etc, and I came up negative?? Allllllll righty then! I'll have to do a comic of what I was thinking as she read off the results. "Hep A, B and C negative" -whew- "HIV negative" -hell yeah Im on a roll- "Gonna-herpe-syphil-crabs... negative" -bring it on- "drug screen negative" -what? you better check the name on those papers, go get the right charts, I still better be disease free, bitch--- anyway it was all a pleasant surpirse. My biopsy was inconclusive though, and Im scheduled for some other kind of thing (coloposcopy ?? something like that) where they stick a microscope in there as well as cut another piece off for testing. This doesnt happen for another month and people say "well see, if it were somethign to worry abotu they wouldnt be waiting a month to do the test" yeah... since when have doctors cared about people's health? I have MEDICAID, which means "doc-aint-gettin-paid" like she goes to bed at night worrying about whether or not I have cancer. Anyway, Im hoping that Ill get some answers and reassurance tomorrow with my ultrasound. They still think Im further along than I am, and when they tried to find a heartbeat they couldnt. Usually the heart can be heard at 12 weeks, (though Im only 9 weeks) so they want a picture to make sure everything's alright, and to better date my pregnancy. I dont think Ill be able to tell the gender, i think thats more like 4-5 months, but Ill be able to know that it's not tubal, and if it's twins or at least human or whatever. And if something is wrong then Ill know that too, instead of brooding like Im doing. Maybe then Ill get some sleep, and can focus on work and will feel like doing things again. Well, things besides crying and eating, I thought I was a pro back in the day, shit, it's gotten ridiculous. There better be ten babies in me for the amount Ive put on already.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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