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Im very depressed right now, very. Like the only thing that would make me feel better would be hitting rock bottom with a bottle of jack or seeing my own blood to make sure Im really real or something. I went through all the things I get myself to remember in times like these, the little quips and mini-pep talks that I come up with when Im not all fucken insane, and I implant them in my brain so far down where only utter distress can find em... and still it didnt make me feel better. But there IS something that will... I can think about what happened towards the end fo work today.

Today's just been a rough day. I found my mom at the racino so I could get the keys to the storage units so I could find my comics and whatnots. In order to find her I had to wrestle through, seriously, every single inbred, white trash, mentally retarded, zombified mother fucker in the state of new york. The racino is the old race track that they "spruced up" by adding slot machines to so now every fucken person around here is a fucken gambling addict. Im pretty sure it was free beer day or something cuz everyfuckenbody had plastic cups of beer. And EVERYONE was in a bad mood. So Im nearly crowd surfing trying to find my mom, there are thousands of games and everyone has their face stuck int he screen so it's hard to even tell what people look like, and so many people just standing or walking around you had to be right next to the machines to tell who was playing. I'll let you in on a secret... I fucking hate noise. I hate noisy people, noisy places, I hate loud music, I hate bells, sirens and buzzers, I fucken hate doorbells even. Now this racino, with what had to have been an over-capacity crowd with every fucken jackass yelling over every fucking game machine in the building being played... I swear it was as loud as war. So then my mind starts to go and as usual in large crowds of people I start seeing them all dead looking, all of the shuffling masses in search of brains... and the corpses at the games were worse because they give you a players card and the card is attached to a curly cord like an old phone cord and everyone wears it around their necks with the cord stretched out plugged into the game, like a goddamned ambilical cord or something... I was pretty close to flipping out. Cmon people, at least get an interesting addiction... like heroin or sex for crissakes. It's not even REAL gambling, it's slot machines.... It was fucken horriible. I found my mom finally, had to get her van keys then walk to acres away in the parking field to find it then back in through the bodies again to give her her keys back and then back out through every body and back across the acres to get back to my car. It took 45 minutes and I didnt even have time to get my shit out of the storage units before work.

OK Now work... it was me and Cindi and Marcus. Finally people who'll work, right? WRONG. Since Cindi became a supervisor I guess that means you dont have to do anything. And I didnt know this earlier,odd cuz he and I work together often but it was Marcus' last day cuz he's moving to Rochester. Ive mentioned him before, he's the 17 year old that flirts with me a lot. So he was slacking off tonight and chores got behind and we were there 15 minutes late. He was flirting hardcore with me. He and I were the only ones with headsets on so we'd talk through them. Up till the end of the night I always thought his flirting was in jest, like when you shit talk your friends or something, or that he was just flirty with everyone. I checked his talk with hottie girl customers and he'd be polite but not too nice. Big tittied redhead came in and dropped a bunch of change and was bent over picking it all up and he didnt even look, he noticed, but he didnt look. Yet the things he'd say to me came from the mind of a guy who would look, ya know what I mean. Candice came in around 9:30 and I asked her if Marcus has ever gotten flirty with her or with any girls they may have worked together with, and I brought up Dave, some guy who got fired cuz he'd spend the whole day macking ladies instead of making coffee, and she said he wasnt like that at all. OK... it was interesting and a little weird. He says "Ya know Im a virgin dont you?" and I said "You know Im pregnant dont you" "I know, and I think it's sexy." I didnt tell him that him being a virgin is mad sexy. "And you know... the age of consent in NY is 17..." "Really? Too bad Im not 17..." "Haha c'mon Im being serious here" "yeah, sure" .... but after we were clocked out I changed int he staff bathroom and was packing up my crap in my bookbag in the back area. The bathroom was free, there were only 5 people there and the rest of them were out on the floor so I know he coulda gone in there but he steps behind the door so that he's still in front of me but out of view from anyone else, there's a doorway and recessed behind the door is the place where we fill the mop buckets and hang the brooms etc and he starts pulling clothes from his book bag and then he slips his sneakers off. "Oooh youre giving me a show huh?" And I seriously thought he was fucking around and he'd walk into the bathroom any second then but nope... he starts unbuttoning his shirt, holy shit this kid is serious... I looked away and he said "No. I want you to watch." He turned me by the shoulder when he said it, and he said it with force too, like a man sure of himself. I played it cool on the outside but inside Im thinking "ok how illegal is this, does he know how old I am, oh my god there's a surveillance camera right there above us, hmmm that's kinda sexy, ok Jo pay attention he's actually unbuttoning his shirt in front of you, well hey, he's um pretty developed for a 17 year old, I wonder when his birthday is, maybe he'll be 18 in like a week or something...etc etc" It was pretty nice. He popped a tshirt over his head and I watched it come down, in slow motion-like, memorizing the details... guy's tummys are my favorite part, well necks and tummys are, and I think he noticed how I was checking out the "treasure trail" (in my head Im like "no touching, no touching. Swiper no swiping!" that last part from Dora the Explorer... if youve seen the show then it makes sense why I would think of that in a time like this lol) "Awe, you want to see it again don't you?" and he lifts his shirt up just a tad. Like how guys scratch their tummys and lift their shirt up doing so... very sexy... (do guys know that's sexy cuz they all do it). I said my other fave part was the neck and in particular when a guy has his head tirned sideways and I can see the profile of the neck with the jawline coming out... and this is what he did when he lifted up his shirt for that peek, he turned his head sideways and did it all non-shalant. I wish I could have seen my grin. It was like we werent even at work, I totally forgot about everything. I said to him "Are you sure youre a virgin?" and his eyes actually got a little shameful, like he was trying to prove to me he was mature, like being a virgin made him a baby. "Unfortuneately, yes I am." And he slouched down like he didnt know what to do and I thought he was gonna be like "well nice workin with ya, later" grab his shit n go and he reached for his back pack but instead of leaving he pulled out his jeans and said "now where were we..." he undoes his timmy ho's standard issue belt, which is black rawhide and very fucking sexy, I swear this kid did everything right. He didnt just undo his belt, he pulled it from the pants real slow like, folded it up and put it in his bag, looked up at me with a micheivous grin and said "Im not turning that back in..." and a thousand dirty images flashed behind my eyes of things we could do to each other with our belts.... When he reached for his pants button my eyes darted away again "Watch. It's ok, see," and he peeked his head around the door "no one's around." He leaned back behind there and undid his button "Dont worry, I have on boxers..." and he starts to pull his pants down. Now there's no way to really be sexy as youre taking off pants, especially if youre a man (in my opinion anyway) and I could tell he was thinking this, like he was thinking "ok dont trip, hop hop hop, got one leg out ok now the other..." it was very cute. He said boxers, NOT boxer briefs, which I find totally sexy and all other male undies unattractive. He had boxer briefs AND a mad hardon... a mad NICE hardon too I might add... again in my head "Swiper, no swiping!" oh my god... it was hot, it was pulling his boxer briefs tight and I could see the muscles of his ass on one side too. And then he did the shirt thing again "Wow, you really like this dont you...?" and my only answer was "Do you know how old I am?" "He smiled like it wasnt a big deal and answered "I dunno, like 20 or 21? It doesnt matter." now I could see why it wouldnt have been a big deal... "I could really fall in love with you." I said to him with a very big smile on my face. That was the fucken cherry man, he thinks Im only 20 or 21. LOL Oh my fucking god. I didnt laugh, I didnt say "yeah right" I said "Thanks for the compliment" and he was so cute and naive pulling his jeans on "Age doesnt matter ya know, its how old you are on the inside" which makes him 20 and me a thousand.... I said "true" cuz he was right. He had just zipped up when one of the girls appeared out of nowhere, like RIGHT in front of me and asked me when I was due, then she saw Marcus "Oh hey, how ya doin?" Marcus is too busy trying to hide his hardon to answer but I answered her question and she left. I was trying to think of somethign to say, maybe tell him how old I really am, maybe say something like he doesnt understand anything yet never having his heart broken and how he should stick to girls his age who are at the same level, I thought to tell him about the 27 year old that I fooled around with when I was 17 and how I thought I wanted to have sex with him to be a grown up and everything, and how I really did like him but when it came down to the sex part, when we were in bed, I couldnt do it, chickened out, he took it all personally, got very jilted eventually moved to colorado and I never saw him again... I thought of a lot of things to say but instead I said that I had to grab my visor out of the bathroom, turned and walked away. He slid his shoes back on and went out towards the floor. I talked to Candice for a second and when i went back in the back to grab my bag he'd left a note on it. I could tell that his number and new addy and email addy were already written, the note and the info was in different ink and it was folded up into that size we have to fold things to make em fit into the speaker box part of our headsets cuz we have no pockets at work, and then he'd added to the bottom "It would still be fun... call me soon." I kept the paper. It's my secret. It makes me smile. This whole thing makes me smile. And maybe Ill call him... "So, when's your birthday?" but like he said, 17 is the age of consent... and besides as always, the thing that's the wrong thing to do, is so very sexy and right to me... like Cemetary Sex with a Psycho... there were so many wrong things with that night, but I still replay THAT in my head a few times a day.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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