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Im writing this about 10pm Friday. The phone still isn�t turned back on. Ghetto, I know. What�s lame is that we get calls in. Lamer still is the fact that only bill collectors are calling. My student loan was in deferment until December. I thought I had a year but it was only 6 mos, and now Im three mos behind. They want almost $400 right now plus $130 a month. Unless they take food stamps, I don�t see that happening. I�m kidding, I don�t even have food stamps to give them.<./p>

I don�t mean to sound so �woe is me�-ish, that�s not how Im feeling. I feel alright actually. I�m still in this euphoric twirling around �I�m having a baby, la di da� mind frame. Sometimes I really do twirl around, like one of those hippo ballerinas from Fantasia. They say people think that by having a baby they�ll magically be happy, and they warn against such thoughts. But I do sort of feel that way, not in a lonely, codependent way, but more like I have fulfilled the greatest task in life and everything else will be easy. It�s kind of like the feeling I had after getting clean, �if I can beat heroin then I can beat anything.� In Lance Armstrong�s autobio he said at his first chemo visit a sick man next to him said to him �We�re the lucky ones.� It all makes sense.

People have been pushing my buttons a lot lately. Today it took me 45 minutes to return empties for the refund because the machines kept breaking. I had to switch machines a lot, and was using multiple ones to speed things up. Multitasking glass bottles into one and cans into the other. I slacked on one of them and it printed my receipt. A minute or so later, while I was pre-occupied with the glass machine still, a lady comes up and pulls my receipt out of the machine. I�m standing two feet over at the next machine and I say �Oh Im sorry, I never pulled that out� and I reached for it and she pulled her arm back and said �How do I know it�s yours?� �Cuz Im right here, and my cart is still in front of the machine�� She says �I don�t have to give this to you.� I�m holding three beer bottles in my hands because the machine got backed up, I FUCKING HATE BEER, the taste, the smell, the three-week old drips that come out of bottles Im trying to recycle but the machines keep getting errors� and all I envision is this lady with broken beer bottles stuck in her face, the leftover beer/cigarettes/spit and whatever other nasty shit men feel the need to put into a two-thirds empty beer bottle, and blood, LOTS AND LOTS OF BLOOD, dripping off what used to be the bitch�s face� I�m actually SEEING it like it�s already happened, and I say to her �oh yes, you do.� Wouldn�t you know it, she gave me my receipt. Good thing cuz I didn�t want to have to go to prison for $3.85 (but I would have if necessary).

And another stupid bitch fucking with me: Greg said that Terri, McLane�s gf, bitched to him (Greg) about me �kicking shit around� her house (the 12 pack I hit Greg with). That came a few weeks after the incident. Last night we were there and she was up for a smoke, we were on our way out and being polite I apologized for any ruckus I might have caused that night. A good host, a lady, would have said, �no problem dear, it wasn�t that much of a noise� and an HONEST woman would have continued with �and besides my drunken boyfriend and all his guy friends who are over every night make so much more noise than you do but I cant bitch at them cuz Im only a stupid female so I bitched about you cuz you�re a girl so really there wasn�t even any problem to begin with� but instead of being a good host, a lady or an honest woman she says to me �well next time remember my fucken kids are upstairs asleep!� and made more fucken noise than I did when I hit Greg with the 12 pack. When we got to the car Greg thanked me for apologizing, I didn�t even start with how much of a bitch she was, Greg mentioned it first and all I said was �Well you cant expect someone with a spider web tattoo on their calf to act like a lady.� I can tell Greg thinks Im way too judgmental, especially of white trash types. Im always knockin Nascar, beer, and wrestling but since the pregnancy my focus has turned to women; women smokers, women in bars, sluts� it�s gotten pretty bad, not �kill all women who remind me of my mommy� bad, but still pretty bad. I�m going to tell McLane that his woman is a white trash cunt next time I see him. Yeah she leaves a plate of food out for him for when he gets home from work, but it�s always hamburger helper type shit.

It�s looking like my mom will be able to keep the house. I don�t understand why she didn�t see this option before. Well, it�s the bipolar, I know that. I make rash decisions too (�leave the love of my life to move to Texas with a guy I don�t even like? OK!�) so I do understand it. Anyway, it helps everyone out a lot. And except for the fact I�d be living with Godzilla, I don�t see any negatives. Bills are in her name, it�d be a little more expensive for Greg (compared to his room now) but a hundred times more comfortable than where he is now. And also Greg would be paying way more if we moved into our own place. He has no reason not to move in with me now, except that he wouldn�t WANT to live with me, and in that case he can go drink himself to death. Most the guys in my life, they keep me just happy enough not to find something better. But eventually they don�t and I leave. Im glad my mom is doing this so quickly (�if theyre not interested after the open houses this weekend Im taking the house off the market on Monday�) so I�ll know the answer to Greg�s test (willing to move in or not). But really, Im starting not to care. Do kids REALLY need fathers? Or is an occasional male figure enough? I cant say that Im a normal, well adjusted adult, but I cant say not having a dad had anything to do with it, either.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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