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No news on the cancer stuff, I havent gotten results back from the most recent tests. I've been feeling like shit though, kinda like mono or prolonged depression and I think it has something to do with it. I have no energy whatsoever, I dont get enough sleep and when I could be sleeping, like now, I choose not to cuz I cant lay on my back or belly cuz of the baby and my arms go numb when I lay on my sides. Im also having more symptoms that dont entirely relate to being pregnant. In the beginning of the pregnancy I had to pee about every hour and a half, then it went down to every three hours or so. Up till a few weeks ago I could make it through the night only having to piss once. Now it's like every half hour to 45 minutes, and I always have the feeling that I have to go, kinda like a cramping. Sometimes I worry that the baby is going to fall out cuz they feel like PMS cramps. I've also been having nosebleeds again, which are common during pregnancy too except that my nose isnt dry/irritated and I ahvent been blowing it too much, which (coke aside...) are the only reasons Ive ever gotten bloody noses. Then there are the migraines, "it's like the voices in my head have tiny knives to stab the backs of my eyeballs!" quoth me during my first migraine. And again, migraines sometimes develope during pregnancy so it can be explained away then too. I have very odd dreams now, I dont remember much abotu them, voids and blackness, being cold walking in the dark etc, and I always wake up lonely. Ive been thinking a lot of Lon's mom, who died of cervical cancer in 94, and I wonder if it's some punishment sent down from her due to my maltreatment of her son.

I think a lot about Lon still. You'd think having another man's baby would lessen my feelings for him, or the sadness I feel, but it's actually worse. I still dont know for sure if he's ok. I worry he'll catch up with my diary again and not like what he reads, I worry that he's still hurting from things Ive done, and I worry about hurting him in the future by being pregnant and now having the very same thing that took out the only other woman that ever mattered to him. It's tragic, and fitting... everything between the two of us was dramatic tragedy. The name I picked out for the baby, I didnt even pick it out cuz there were no alternatives to choose from, Cassidy. Naming my child after my greatest failure, or the pinnacle, the mascot of my fall, my cat Cass that died of liver disease (probably caused by stress and us not taking good enough care of him while we were using). Cass the cat was named after Lon (his middle name), so Cassidy represents the two I hurt the most, while being different enough that no one will pick up on it and also it fits with me wanting a unisex name like my own.

Work is not going well, it's a whole other entry and the voices are going to start stabbing me soon I can feel it, but let's just say Im surprised I havent gotten a call today from Bossman telling me that Im fired, or offa nights again.

Rick is finally out of the house, for the most part living in his camper. Over the weekend, Greg finally did the dishes I was bitching about in the last entry TWO WEEKS AGO. But really nothing is getting done around the house still. I occasionally have super hero days where Ill get a hundred bucks worth of groceries bought, loaded in the car, in the house and put away, three loads of laundry done, the cat box changed etc... few and far between though. Greg was cutting back on drinking but not this weekend where he was cocked pretty much the whole time. When I got out of work this morning and climbed in bed, once I was settled I gave him a kiss and hugged him and he gasped in pain. I SLIGHTLY rubbed his belly/abdomen and he says "well dont fucken touch it again if you know it hurt the first time!" and where my hand was at was over his liver... "drink yoru liver sick huh? good..." is all I said. I wanted to comment on how Autopilot taking over for me and making me too sick to shoot up any more, making sure I didnt get a rush off the shit and the times I pushed more in I overdosed and died... how I hope Autopilot starts making him sick like that too, but I let him fall back asleep. He eventually rolled over and snuggled me, which usually doesnt happen so that was nice. I have more to say about him, meeting his parents again and seeing the family farm for the first time, how he's a lot like his dad and it explains much etc... but that'll have to wait.

My cousin Heather (Brittany's mom) will hopefully be moving up here from Florida. She's living in the trailor park that must have inspired the Springer show. It's hard to stay off drugs when all your neighbors are dealers (Houston...). It'll be interesting if her and Kevin (her long time boyfriend) move in here. They might not be the best "role models" on Greg, but he does need friends and if Kevin's gonna be trying to cut down on drinking they might be good influences on Greg. He needs some friends. he says he has friends but just cuz you see and talk to em every day at the bar doesnt make em friends. I see and talk to the same people every day at work and I dont call them friends.... I really need to get Greg out of the Farm and back ON the farm.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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