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Pretty serious meltdown last night. Greg hasnt been pullng his weight since we got out of the hospital. Im supposed to be in the recliner or on the couch except for bathroom and breastfeeding breaks, but Im up and down all day and night. I dont want to get into all the shit I was bitching at Greg for, mainly it was the lack of attention Ive been getting. Before I gave birth everybody asked how _I_ was doing. Now they ask how CASSIDY is doing. Not one person Ive talked to has asked how _I_'m doing. I'm doing better, but Im still no where near close to well. Another thing is that before I gave birth Greg and I would stay up all night playing cards, and he'd snuggle with my belly. We talked a lot, hung out at the bar together. Now we barely talk, and we havent done anything together. We havent shared a bed in weeks. Last night I thought we'd play cards. We'd had a long day of different doctor appointments and Cassidy was finally in bed. Greg wanted to finish watching the football game. After the game was over I asked if he wanted to go up to bed and watch wrestling (which you know I hate, and he knows I hate so he shoulda realized I was desperet to spend time with him), he said he wanted to finish watching the OTHER monday night football game... after the game was over Cassidy was awake and screaming. Around 1 AM I was in the middle of feeding her and he got up and said he was going upstairs to watch wrestling.... 45 minutes later I joined him once I got Cass back to sleep. I managed a half hour of sleep in bed next to him and then it started to thunder, which woke up the baby. I got up cuz Greg wasn't budging, had to feed her again cuz she only views me as a pigtailed milk maid. Boggy was freaking out too, he gets scared when it's loud. My mom had already gone to work so I had no help. I have a clogged milk duct on one boob and the other one wasnt letting down and the baby was getting too frustrated to drink, which frustrates me.... I cant remember how I started fighting with Greg but it got pretty bad. Cassidy is 6 days old and he's been out to the bar 4 times. Two of those times Ive needed him, called him to come home and he's showed up late or nearly not at all.... Im not supposed to get out of the chair, much less leave the house... and it's not like I have any friends to visit anyway but still... he's having all the fun and I did all the work. It's too reminiscent of when I was on crutches for ten months and missed out on a whole summer and half of my junior year while friends called after school every day to tell me about all the cool stuff I'd missed. "They all say she's a beautiful baby." "Well maybe I'd like to be the one showing off the pictures..." The turning point in the discussion last night, after Greg had left with his blanket and pillows to sleep in the nursery with Cass, is when I said to him "Just because the flower's done growing doesnt mean you had to take the sunshine away." He finally got what the problem was (I NEED A FUCKING HUG!) and he said "I'll be right in."

The pain's really bad. Ive only taken 6 vicodin since Ive been home from the hospital, I have 24 left and I need to start taking them more often. Initially I was rationing them out but I didnt think Id heal this quickly. I worry about the effects on Cass though. I guess me flipping out all the time is more detrimental to her health than the pills would be.

She didnt eat much today and I worry that she isnt getting enough in general. I should see about getting a scale for her. I want to get a digital scale for myself anyway, and I can rig some sort of basket and tare the weight of it every time to see how much she's gaining (or losing). Pretty ironic that any child of mine would have a problem like this.

My wound is healing well. I'm supposed to have the packing and bandages changed twice a day so the county's visiting nurses do it every morning and then the one today, Paula, is an old friend of my mom's (I used to bbsit Paula's kids while her and mom went out whorin it when I was 11&12) so it was nice not being mauled by a stranger. Also it cools mom off about having people in the house when it's not clean (my mom is the dirtiest clean freak ever). Paula taught Greg how to dress the wound. My mom was spozed to be the one to do the nightly changes but she didnt make it home from work in time. I wanted Greg to do it anyway but he said his hands werent steady enough. Shakey or not, he still should be the one taking care of me. From what he did today and what Ive seen in the delivery room and him taking care of the baby, I think he would make a really good vet. Plus he looks damn sexy in scrubs. I asked the hospital if he got to keep the scrubs he wore for the delivery and when they said no he said "Thinking of playing doctor huh? We can get scrubs at walmart or someplace anyway, right?" He's got 16 minutes until he's late coming from the bar three times ina row. You'd think I'd stop letting him go out but I think adding responsibility is the only way to make someone responsible. And Im sure he knows he's fucking up, one of these times it'll be too much for him. Hopefully soon. he said something that pissed me off today though. he makes money landscaping for this guy and he's got about $40 on him. He siad he was gonna pay back this bartender that lent him $10 a couple weeks ago because he "has nothing he really needs to buy right now." um, hello... how about some BABY STUFF... or pay that parking ticket he got in my car driving douchebag home... I can think of a million thing me and Cass need... not a good sign.... anyway I need to get going, email to check still.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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