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On Friday we didnt have any appointments to go to. That didnt make it a stress free day though. Greg's parents came up from Corning to deliver a bedroom set for Cassidy. We got a nice crib, changing table and dresser. Greg's dad wouldnt sign the visitor's book and he also hasnt held the baby yet (or even really looked at her). I'm sure it's because Greg and I aren't married, he gives me the "nothin but a slut" look when I talk to him. They were here for a couple hours and weren't mad when Greg told them we had to get going to the bank. He'd finally gotten an unemployment check and we needed to get a copy of that and some other shit to social services by 5. After those errands we stopped by Timmy Ho's cuz bossman's car was there. He got teary-eyed checking Cass out. We didnt even take her out of the back seat. I told him my goal was to be back to work by October 10th, and he said even though he really needed me that I shouldnt push myself. Someone's gotta make some money around here.... My mom is on this kick now where she thinks she's gonna lose the house. She has too many bills. Not getting rent from me, and not getting it in time from Greg. She hasnt bitched hardly at all since Cass has been home, but still I need to start contributing.

Some things Im learning about being a parent... you as a person cease to exist. Well if youre a good parent anyway. Greg and I finally had a home cooked meal last night, and though I had to eat mine cold it was still better than what we've been eating. It seems Cassidy knows exactly the worst times to start crying, and that's when she cries. Not when we're wide awake, or when we're not doing anything... it's right when the phone rings, or right when you sit down to poop, or right when you pour yourself a glass of milk to go along with your first home cooked meal in weeks.... The last 24 hours have been rough. I figure it was due to losing the umbilical cord (getting loose, then hanging on by a thin piece of skin, then finally coming off a little while ago). I figure if it bleeds then it has to hurt, and hers was bleeding, so.... I also think she got too much formula lately. Ive been having trouble feeding her booby since yesterday morning. She hasnt been latching on as tight (it doesnt hurt me like it used to) and she hasnt been staying on long. It fucken sucked, but I didnt give in and give her formula today. Bottles are much easier. Greg or my mom can do it, and I can get an hour of sleep... also it makes her sleep longer and fills her up more cuz it's harder to digest. Up until a couple hours ago she wasnt sleeping but for an hour at a time, and then I'd have to feed her again. We were caught in this cycle of her being hungry, then falling asleep while eating, me trying to put her to bed but her diaper being wet or soiled, her waking up as Im changing her and me having to feed her again. I couldnt keep up. She drank both my boobs back down to their normal size and still wanted more. They refill pretty fast but not fast enough for my little monster. I've been having migraines from, I think, lack of sleep and food and drink. Like I said, baby comes first, mommy hasnt been getting anywhere near the 2400 calories and ten glasses of water Im supposed to be getting. Not to mention Greg hasnt been changing my bandages enough, and I havent showered since getting out of the hospital. Friday night was nice though, after we stopped by Horton's we went by the bar to see if any of the regulars were there so they could see Cass. Though I wanted to stay for a little while I didnt plan on staying three hours (blame Greg of course). We went by the Moose after that cuz my mom was bartending. I had 2 jack n cokes but didnt catch a buzz. I still havent smoked any weed. Every dollar that gets spent I think "there's a diaper I'll need and not have in two weeks..."

I got some papers from disability saying we got your papers and we sent some more papers to your doctor to fill out and when we get those then we'll send you more papers saying we got those.... Nothing about how long until I get a check or even what I can expect to get. Im pretty sure it'll be nothing, cuz that would fit with how everything else is going. I also got some mail from Empire State telling me that I need to go through the online orientation thingy. This cost me $50, that fee I was worried about not being able to pay, and I find out it's for a 20 minute online presentation.... At least I could get to meet faculty in person, a t-shirt, cheese crackers... something... fucken a.

Another thing I've learned abotu having kids is that you gotta use your time to the fullest. There's no dicking around time with a newborn. Greg hasnt learned this yet. He spent two hours folding laundry. Two fucking hours. For what? For me to toss em all in a drawer and get em all wrinkled anyway... half the clothes I wear on a daily basis have already been worn at least once before anyway... like they need to be folded. He even folded the socks and underwear.... He cooks grilled cheese on LOW, who the fuck has time for that... in three minutes the baby's gonna be screaming for milk again, you better just forget the butter and microwave me some cheese between bread. Sometimes he means well but most of the time I think he's stalling or acting busy. I told him he wasnt going out to the bar anymore without me and guess where he is right now? Im hoping my mom gets home soon and will let me go out for an hour. I have to pick him up anyway. I told him they better start the poker game on time this week and that he better be done by ten and he better not be drunk. He can control all those things, I know this because I used to be able to get them to start on time and to keep the game moving without too many piss/smoke breaks (no smoking inside NY bars) and I'd regulate his drinking. If I can control it, then he can too.

My health hasnt been too hot lately. Besides the nourishment issue and lack of sleep, I've been running very high blood pressure. Sometimes I can feel it in my throat along my artery. It feels like it's gonna explode. then I get rolling, pulsating pain through my lower skull down to my hips and back up, it's in rhythm with my heart beat and all I can think when it's happening is "oh god it'll happen now, and now, and now, and now...." Im pretty sure one of the voices in my head has been stabbing me in the back of my eye. My knees sound like bubble wrap when I walk. Actually all of me is creaking and popping. Fingers, hips, feet and ankles, shoulders... Im a living bowl of rice crispies. Im nt sure if I look worse than I feel or if I feel worse than I look. Both are pretty damn bad.

Friday night at the Pick though someone FINALLY asked me how I was doing. Greg gets asked this all the time, as if they expect the daddy to have it tougher than the new mom or something, so when Ben asked me this Friday I looked at Greg waiting for him to answer. He didnt say anything so I looked back at ben who was looking at me waiting for ME to answer his question. I actually thanked him for asking me, and told him of my "jealousy" that no one has asked abotu me, just the baby. he said "The baby looks like she's doing fine, daddy looks like shes doing fine, you though, do not look like youre doing fine." Ben's just like me, but hot. He's the nicest most respectful guy Ive ever met but he never gets decent girls. He gets good lays but no one of his calibre. No one that deserves him. He's great looking, hot bod, smart, got money, nice ride... but no luck. I dont know if he recognizes it though, maybe that's his problem. I on the other hand am all too anxious to start getting myself in shape, get back to work, start & finish school. If this is the year I have a baby then this is the year for all the other miracles to happen. Ive had 30 minutes on the computer with no baby screaming, I shouldnt press my luck any longer and get my bandage "shrink wrapped" so I can jump in the shower.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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