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as I was saying... I found some prosthetic masks the other day and they brought back memories of all the fun I had working the haunted house in Cbus. I know Ive mentioned it in hand written journals, and I think a couple friends might know too, but October and up to my birthday for some reason I get really psycho... something in the way the depression/bipolar cycles. Maybe it has something to do with this time of year; summer dying, crappy birthdays, and things that generally happen this time of year like school starting, moving, new or extra jobs etc... probably a little bit of everything. No exception this year. I did really well at the job interview today and they said "because it's a civil service post we HAVE to interview all interested candidates" (there were four of us that replied to the letter they sent out asking who'd be interested in working at such n such place for whatever money etc) "but we'll be getting back to you early next week." Now I interpret that as "You got the job but we have to interview this last schlub due to protocol and we'll call you right away Monday morning and tell you when you start." I hope Im right. In the meantime I asked Bossman to put me back on the schedule at Timmy Ho's. I could definitely do the secretary job, that's a mostly sittin on your but all day kinda thing, Timmy Ho's is most def NOT. I told Bossman just one 4 hour shift to start with. I dont care if I lose a week's worth of disability pay, as of right now I havent seen any money nor do I know if I ever will, or how much I'll get if I do qualify. I'd rather be working and have a sure thing, even if it's one 4 hour shift, I'll probably get paid for that before I get anything from disability. Possibly I could be working two jobs by next week. And dealing with a newborn, she's just over three weeks old... and I nurse her, so Im gonna have to learn how to pump... and get a pump.... Have I added enough to my life, nah, I start full time classes mid-November. It's all online and I dont expect to have to put much time or effort into it, first off cuz I never put much time or effort into school and always managed decent grades (if you dont count math) and secondly because it's an online, "make your own degree program" AKA "college level GED", and it's probably tailored to slacker low lifes like me who need to jump through a couple more hoops to get papered. OH and I also said Id chair the committee for the adult and children's halloween parties at the Moose, part of which includes me designing a kiddie haunted house. My mom said "Do you think you could plan and set up a haunted house?" me-"hell yeah" mom-"KID appropriate?" me-"awe, that's no fun!" What the hell is scary but not too scary for kids? Besides the lunch lady? anyway Im off subject.... It seems the post-birth energy has finally kicked in like all the docs and books promised. That or it's all the coffee Ive been drinking in the AM to try to get Cass to stay awake more during the days. I think it's working but might be causing her baby acne. wow I am all over the place manic today. I got to drive very fast through the mountains in the rain blaring the radio during hte 90's @ Noon show without having to worry about driving safe or the music being too loud cuz the baby wasnt with me and it was fucken nice. I love her more than I can understand it, yet I want to get the fuck away.

Speaking of, Greg is throwing a tantrum cuz he's bored and wants to go out drinking. Saturday we went to the moose w/ Cass for a couple drinks (I didnt drink, my mom's friend was bartending and she wanted to see baby). He went to poker Sunday, he went out Tuesday in the afternoon and then again for an hour that night, went out wednesday saying he'd be home by 11:30 and was AWOL still after 2am and I had to wake my mom up to get her van keys so I could go move my car to 24 hour parking and maybe track down Greg and bring him home, he was stumbling around the back parking lot of the Farmer's... and we stopped into the Pick yesterday in the afternoon for an hour and a half so he could get some bar time. EVERY time he's gone out without me, he's come home an hour or more late, or "not at all" like Wednesday night... and he's always driving my car too drunk, AND he has no license. I told him tonight that he's walking (it's pouring rain, I was hoping it would keep him home but instead he says that he has an umbrella somewhere). We've been fighting so badly lately. I cant remember when we started hating each other. It turned so quickly. I cant handle Cass on my own. Not yet anyway. Hopefully the breast pump will help, I wont be "tied" to her all day and night. I think though, that the stress Greg causes me effects my moods with Cass, I mean, of course it would, and maybe if he werent around I'd be OK with the baby by myself? I just think it's too soon to jump like that and after the regret I still have about leaving Lon and all that, I wouldnt dare leave anybody else and instead let them do the finishing... yeah it's still at my expense but it's not as expensive as that first relationship. Am I making sense? The baby's crying right now but I dont have much milk cuz I havent drank anywhere near a gallon of water today. Guess I should go do that and stop stalling Greg.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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