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It took some work but I got an appointment with a PCP to try to get something for the depression. It's more anxiety/anger than anything else but they'll still label it PPD. Why was it such a chore? My insurance card had a doc's name on it cuz if you dont pick one out in a certain amount of time they assign one to you. I called that doc's office and was told she wasnt taking new patients and it'd be about 6 months before I could get an appointment. This was after I told her it was for post partem depression. The lady was the rudest bitch I have ever encountered in my whole life. No manners, no professionalism and certainly no heart. I was so frustrated I started crying during one of the times she had me on hold and when she got back she asked for my address and during me telling her she says "Are you ACTUALLY crying??" all rude-like. Early on in the phone call she asked ho wbad my ppd was and I said that I fear for the safety of my baby and that I'd hurt myself and she sighed, I could almost hear her eyes rolling... and she actually said "Cmon, it cant be that bad." Like it's this lady's job to talk/scare people out of coming to see the doctor. I wonder if I would have gotten the same treatment if I wasn't a medicaid patient.... After being put on hold a fourth time I was lucky enough to have someone else answer and I explained to that lady that I needed an appt asap and she said she'd add me to the general wait-list for all the doctors in the practice. Still didnt do me any good but at least she said it'd be weeks and not months before I saw somebody. After that ordeal I called the info number on my mediciad card to see if I had to see that doctor or what the hell... and they said to just call them whenever I do get an appointment and tell them who Im seeing. I called my mom to see who she sees, cuz she has the same doc as gramma, and maybe it'd be beneficial to have the same doc so she'll see how the lunacy and weight issues run in the family.... I called there and that doc isnt taking new patients but they have a new lady doc that is. I couldnt make an initial appointment over the phone, paperwork had to be done first so I drove to Shortsville and filled it all out while in the waiting room. This receptionist was the complete opposite of the cunt at the Canandaigua office, and assured me that she'd call the next morning and give me an appointment. So I got one for next Friday. She said she slid me into one of the slots they keep open for "emergencies", very cool. Xanax here I come (hopefully). Im gonna try some shit like "Well my psychiatrist prescribed the long pills, I forgot what they were called, wands? No bars... yeah he'd prescribe the bars and I would break off a piece as needed, administering what I thought I needed. Now I understand you might not want to start me off with all that, but that's what helped the best before." who knows?

A woman at the Moose lodge has a 19 yo junky son who just left his third rehab program, his best friend just od'd from the shit and my mom gave my info to this lady telling her to have her boy call anytime I'll be his friend and take him to meetings and help him out with staying clean cuz I guess he's not all the way there yet and if the mom wanted to talk to me she could call too.... I tried telling my mom that 9 times out of 10 when you have one ex-junky trying to help one now-junky you end up with two now-junkies instead of two ex-junkies. That's just how junk-math works. And with as crazy as Ive been since giving birth... oh no no no, bad idea mom. "But I thought you were over all that? she says. (Obviously she's never tried it) Yeah, over with it until I get the kid to agree to go back into rehab and he says to me "but I still got a gram left, help me get rid of it..." and I start thinking some shit like "no one will know... it's only once... I wont OD, those other guys just did too much... the kid's going into rehab so he wont be around anymore to be a regular hook up for me so there's no way I'd find more..." ETC. Way to go mom!

I'm hoping to divert all that towards a not so bad alternative, like say acid... it is Halloween afterall, and acid usually comes around now. I'll have to make some calls. My cousin and aunt are taking Cass for the night so I can go out afterall. And only having two hour breaks from her dont cut it so this will be really nice. Last Halloween I beat some jerk up with hi own mailbox, and I asnt half as certifiable as I am now... oughtta be a doozie.

My disability paperwork still wasnt done the right way by my OB/GYN. She bitched me out for asking to go back to work 4 weeks early. She said that she spent so much time on the paperwork for my maternity leave and now I wont get any of it. Turns out it wasnt done the right way anyway so I had to go back there a week later and the receptionist pulled my file and highlighted the stuff that the insurance company said was missing. She said she'd get it taken care of that day. That was last friday. On tuesday I called the insurance company to make sure they got it right and they told me everything looked good and to call them back thursday to find out when my checks will be mailed. I called them back yesterday and was told that they mailed a new form to my doc cuz the higher ups didnt approve it with so many errors and different initials on it and the fact that dates on their forms didnt match up with dates my employer gave them... and then the lady told me that if they dont match the date with my work then I wont be getting anything for disability. I left work on August 1st cuz I could no longer do my job, that's the date the doc needs to put down as my "Date Became Disabled". On their forms they listed the date I gave birth not the date I left work. After her flipping out on me last time when I asked for the return to work slip, I'm afraid of what she'll do today when I need her to redo these forms. Also they might not even have the forms yet cuz the insurance cmpany said they got mailed to her wednesday. I called her office yesterday to tell them to look out for them, that my paperwork was still all screwed up and not to throw out this new set of papers thinking they had everything all taken care of last week. This is a bunch of bullshit and it's all because my doctor was too lazy to do the forms herself and had some 20 year old fresh out of her 6 week devry training program fucking up my paperwork.

I went back to work last weekend. I only got 4 hours. Well nt even that cuz I was 20 minutes late cuz my uniform didnt fit and I was fucking around with that and then we didnt have any running water for some reason. It was a very bad morning, plus no sleep cuz of Cass screaming all night and Greg was no help cuz he went out drinking the night before. I told him he's not drinking the night before I have to work cuz he's no help to me. He did the same last night and I gotta work tonight and have appointments all afternoon. Speaking of, I need to get going. I work tonight and tomorrow night both 5-9. They better get me more hours or else Im gonna pull out the 12 week medical leave act card on their asses and make them give me my full time overnight position back, and I also think Im due another raise, my yearly came up the same day I left work.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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