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I keep feeling I'm close to relapse. That if it crossed my path I wouldn't turn it down. In every other situation I have a previous positive outcome, for instance, if I had ever turned it down in the past then I wouldn't be worrying about it now, if I can do it once then I can do it again... but I've never turned down H (and as I type, I'm thinking "duh, turn down H, are you fucken kidding me?). Whenever I get stressed it's what I start thinking about. I dream about it, I find myself listening to more junky music (singer uses/song is about h or the mood of the song is like h or the song was popular when I was using etc). I have an interesting memory in that when I hear a song I can remember where I was the last time I heard that song, even a memorable time I heard that song, for example "By the Way" by RHCP was HUGE when I was in the game, there was one day we were back visiting OH, not using everyday then, and the song was on in the car while we were waiting on Dirty to show at this gas station with a mcdonalds in it, one of our usual spots when we were meeting him by or at his real house (not the apartment he and pooch fronted outta on campus). After scoring, Lon and I would drive to this city park that was mostly baseball diamonds. We'd park under the trees and shoot there. At that point, with me, as soon as the bag would be in my hand I would get nauseous. I couldnt cook my own shit by then, the smell would make me puke. That day "By the Way" came on again right as I finally found the vein. So yesterday, that song came on and it was pretty much a flashback to seein the blood come up into the syringe, that was always the best feeling, cuz by the end of using every day my veins were so shot (literally-ugh) that it could take up to an hour for me to hit a decent spot, so finally seein that thick red mix with the watery brown was triumphant. And also, why that feeling was so good was also cuz it was the last feeling before the void.... (deep sigh) So yeah, been thinking about that a lot lately. When this happens I have a huge party night, it tends to reset me and remind me why I dont party hard anymore. St Patty's day PF and I went to the irish bar in Victor, ran into some people who knew some people and I ended up gettin my hands on half an 8 ball (for $60 no less, I am Pedro's cousin with the sweet sweet hookups). The shit was insanely good. I headed it by myself after I got back home. When it first got placed in my hand I gummed a bit to make sure it was real/good and my face was numb the whole way home. I've had a head cold since then.... So anyway, I stopped dreaming about H for a while, really until yesterday when that song came on and I started reminiscing again. I did some diary archiving today and I read through entries from when I was using (March - Sept 02) hoping to find something deterant. Really it only made me sad.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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