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Well i thought he might try to come home last night, knowing that he wouldn't. I wasn't HOPING he would come, hell I even locked the doors. This morning when I was doing chores for the landlady I had to get the hoses off all the spigets. She said the pipes burst on her last year. It was the last job on the list and Cass had been fussing the whole morning and it was getting out of hand. I was trying to rush through this last job but one of the hoses was really rusted onto the spiget and I thought "fuck this I'll just get Greg to do it when he gets home" then I thought "oh yeah, duh" and I had to move landlady's huge gas grill out of the way for me to get back in there but with just a little bit more pressure I got the hose to start unthreading. Pretty symbolic of how things are going to be around here for a while. Just a little bit harder. I'm going to have to remember that I just need to do slightly more work. My brain is still stuck in fat & lazy mode, like I keep thinking "I can't do that" "I cant sit there" or "I cant fit through there" "That'll hurt my knees" etc. Greg didn't help out that much around here so it won't be that much more work. Sink or swim, right? God I want his shit out of here RIGHT NOW....

I'm depressed for Cassidy. All morning it's been "dah-dee, dah-dee, dah-dee" goin room to room looking for him. How much will this affect her? Did I just set her up for Borderline Personality Disorder? And am I going to be able to keep my Bipolar symptoms in check and not be so goddamned crazy all the time? (In my head just now went "survey says... eeeeeent!" At least I'll be one fucken hot psychopath. The best camouflage. I'm thinking meds. I dunno. How effective would something be when the dosage would have to be constantly re-evaluated due to my weight loss... and how am I getting to all those appts, and affording the co pays? I couldnt handle it the last time and we tried for two years to find the right meds... No no, that's fine, I don't mind being crazy & going crazier. I'm not wearing tinfoil hats yet or anything.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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