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I know I shouldnt be drinking whiskey three hours before I have to go to work, but it's just one of those days.

I originally came home to get stoned and take a nap before work but I am way too manic. I dumped Mikey today. I reread my last entry before starting this one (I usually do that btw) and it was all wrong. Dating a loser in order to feel needed is just plain, well... needy. I only need a man for one thing, and technically I can do that myself too. I dont even know why I put up with so much shit?

I was picking up money from geoff, dropping of the jagstang cuz he wants to play it for a song at their gig on Friday... anyway he heard me dumping Mikey over the phone today and was like "Man I'm glad we never broke up!" when geoff and I "broke up" he had been talking about his wife for a couple weeks so I knew he still really loved her and one day he went to court for divorce shit and he was so happy to have seen his family again, I knew it was coming... then he said to me "I wanna go back to my family.... and will you help me?" (gutsiest thing I ever heard a man say) anyway Geoff says that he's glad I didn't tear into him like I did with Mikey. "If you're ok with sleeping on a couch that smells like dog pee having flea bites and scabies with 8 people 5 dogs 3 cats 2 fish 1 bird in a 2 bedroom trailer with NOT A ONE OF YOU having a job then that's great for you but I'm better than that. I grew up in a shit hole surrounded by crazy people, and I had no choice, but I do have a choice now. Obviously you don't see your choices." and some other crap like that "You were too sick to come over and do your resume but you werent too sick to drink till 5 am" Geoff said "Damn, I bet he hurts himself in some way tonight." "Good."

As far as break ups go, it wasn't very satisfying. I didn't get to see the look on his face as I broke his heart, never break up over the phone. Way less satisfying than driving my car through that one's house, or making my first him drive me to the airport and watch me get on the plane that took me away from him forever... or even the time another he said to me "Are you just using me for my body?" and I said "Well if your wallet were as fat as your cock I'd use you for your money too." oh I'll never forget the look on his face. Anyway today I made great gains in becoming a machine again. I think it's what's gonna get me through this for a while. I was almost caught up with school, then I had to start working cuz DSS wont pay your rent unless youre in active job search, which I understand and agree with... but now my life is all upside down. I was doing fine raising my baby and doing my homework... now someone else is raising my baby, I work minimum wage while the county pays my sitter $25 a day... something's not adding right. Now I'm behind in classes again, gotta apply for extensions, AND I'm not gonna register for January session, but I'm waiting till March. Which means I dont get student loan money until then, and have to keep working. Everything's backwards. I went to DSS because I spent Dec rent on fixing the car. Landlady let me out of dec rent. what the fuck am I doing? Gotta keep telling myself, yes you can raise a baby on your own and work full time and do full time classes... I'm sure someone out there has done it before, and done it better, cheaper, quicker... need to get my ass in gear. Life is not this hard. I guess I should see if I can still register for January classes, quit my job and fucken chill.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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