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Norco 10's, good stuff.

My mom's a bitch. I know you all know that but I just thought I'd mention it in case 1 or 2 people hadn't figured it out yet.

I had a million things to do today and I really dont like it when I have time limits and deadlines when it comes to running errands especially when the errands involve other people and having to wait on them. That's what today was like, having to be at a certain place at a certain time but needing the stars to align in order for it to happen. Very hectic. Then I THINK I have everything together and stop at my aunt's to drop off Cass and to pick up the rest of my paycheck so I can go to the store (toothbrush, razor heads, deodorant etc) and I had Mikey with me. Well my mom was there and she flipped out. Not yelling and screaming (that was me...) but she's got this way of bitching under her breath, and because I'm her kid and know her shit I heard what she was saying to everyone in the living room, even though I was in the kitchen area. As soon as she saw Mike she said "jesus fucken christ, she brought that fucken loser here." My mom has never met Mike. And he's far from being a loser in most aspects. I went off on her "You can gimme my fucken money right now and shut your fucken mouth" "why dont you watch your fucken mouth, and it's not your money" "whatever, give me my check then" (she didn't give it to me so I tossed Cass's bags at her and turned to leave) "When are you coming back to get your daughter" "whenever you get some fucking manners" and then I left. So much for christmas eve dinner. /P>

I've been popping pills ever since. Fucken bitch is gonna have me doin life in prison one of these days. Merry fucking Christmas Mom!

On the bright side, I got cassidy a bunch of shit. Half of it was from the garage sales I hit up in the beginning of the summer. I purposefully looked for nice toys that would be good for her for this xmas. I'm glad I thought to get them out of storage the last time Greg was in there. I had a feeling... "hmmm let's grab as much of our stuff as possible Cass... daddy can lose his crap, we want our nice things." My dad sent me a $50 gift card to wegman's. I bought a case of diapers ($20) a Leapfrog Catepillar with the alphabet on its feet and it lights up n plays songs etc ($20) a baby doll that can go in the tub, came with a bathrobe and rubber ducky ($10), plus with my own money I got her a couple new sippy cups, one of them is a Spongebob one, the first that I've found that was "young" enough for her, the others were geared toward older kids. In garage sale stuff she got 3 new pair of shoes (purple dress shoes, white n purple sneakers and rainbow hearts sandals), an Ernie & Rubber Ducky doll that sings the rubber ducky song, an Elmo crib/car attachment thingy with animals and animal sounds etc, 3 soft books one of them being very big, a big "stuffed" keyboard with removeable/washable outter material, a Leapfrog "typewriter" with alphabet and numbers that pop up when you key them in, a medium sized ball with bell in it (she's starting to learn how to roll and "catch" a ball that's rolled to her), a plastic merry-go-round that works like the old school tin spinning tops, I'm having trouble remembering... I need some sleep. Anyway, i think she'll have a good morning. Even though we dont have a tree. Maybe I'll take all her shit over to aunt shirl's so she can open stuff with Livvy and Mandy, and have there actually be a tree. I dont think she's understanding what christmas is, we didnt go to church plus she's nto around other people opening gifts so for all she knows it's just another birthday. And I'm always buying her things, this time they're wrapped.

I plan on dumping a lot of money into the apartment soon. I want to get a flat screen tv to hang on the wall above the stove. I've got sort of an island stove, there are cabinets above it. The oven's not there so I dont have to worry about shit getting the tv too hot. It'll give me much more space in the living room. The lr is the smallest room in the apartment. I want to get Cass some real furniture too, and do her room up nicer. I need to get Greg's stuff packed and out of there, plus do something with the mattress that's been in the lr for 2 weeks, get other shit out into the storage space behind the garage. I can use the tv stand as a computer desk when I get the flat screen, and I need a couple more bookshelves too, one for my room and one for Cass's. I'll have time to do this seeing as they're cutting my hours back to 30 a week and I'm not in school right now. Hopefully I'll have the money to do it. I have a feeling there'll be a problem with my tax return cuz of that settlement against me. I think taxes will come back before I get my next student loan. It's scary to think that I'll only have paychecks to live off of. I only make $7.50 an hour, and rent is $650, plus I spend about $50 a week in gas. Just that is more than what I make a month. Hooray for welfare....

Waiting on classes was a smart idea I think. Gotta get DSS goin on rent help, food would be nice too. I've been eating so shitty, havent lost any weight in two weeks or so. I'll be taking care of a lot of business on Tuesday, for sure.

Weird thoughts and feelings about Mikey. He might be the influence I need in order for me to stop being a machine. The things that we "argue" about, or the things he "doesn't like about me" things that bug him or whatever, they're all "machine" things... not wanting to be touched when I'm upset/angry, not liking being looked at, wanting to drink n smoke/be numb/be "away", he's a lot of what I need right now. Most importantly he fucken loves me to death. He's good with Cass and also keeps his distance/repects that she has a loving father already. He's way more down to earth than I am. He's strong. I've never been with a big guy. Harlan had muscles but I was never able to just lean against him and have him support me like a wall. When Mikey and I are like that I imagine that's what it's like to lean against myself, and I wonder if guys I've been with felt secure and protected by me or if they felt smothered (most likely the latter). His whole family worships me and as crazy and as literally inbred as they are, they're growing on me. I like that he's making us take it slow, one of many things that remind me of Lon or how things were with Lon, or how mine and Lon's relationship was in the beginning. We still haven't had sex. I dont want to get going too deep on this topic, I was gonna write Mikey a letter talking about the influence to get back to my old "good" self....

on a side topic, I've been thinking about this all day: it was 10 years ago to the day that I lost my virginity with Lon. I've been thinking a lot about him recently (not like I dont think about him every day but you know) In that ten years I was with:
Lon, 7 years
Eric, 1 year
Harlan, 3 months
Miguel "the watermelon", 1 night
Macedonio "Mad Max" the painter, only sex once but fooled around on and off until I met Ray
Sean "the terrorist", 2 weeks then a month later one night
Carlos 1 night longer if I hadn't met Ray the next day
Ray "the cokehead" 1 month, decided to leave Houston cuz I liked Ray & his free coke way too much, broke his heart
Harlan again for the last 2 nights in Houston mmmmm-
New York Boys
Geoff "mohawk boy", 1 month
Jason "evil twin", 2 nights
Dale "the other twin" 1 night
Greg "baby daddy", 2 years
David "lucky for him my drink was drugged before I met him", 1 night
Greg, back together temporarily
John "I think that's his name" guy from Rushville party, 1 night.
Then there's the ladies
Botch, hard to quantify but 1 week?
Heather, chick I worked with in first AmeriCorps program, 1 week
"The Stripper" -can't remember her name right now- 1 week
as you can see my relationships with women are doomed.

There are others I've fooled around with...
Whatshisface Brandy's friend that asked me out after playing spin the bottle with me then dumped me the next day cuz I said I didnt want to have sex until after high school, Pete maybe?
David H.
Waldo (do you remember his name Janet?)
Josh, who thought he might be gay (I was frosh in college, he was frosh in HS too hehehe)
Deaton (another one of my younger brother's friends)
Phillip-my first almost date rape
Neil -not sure if he belongs here, doesn't everybody have a friend they make out with sometimes??
Lori -junky girl I was friends with. We realpsed together and made out until she overdosed. Her boyfriend punched me in the eye, Lon laughed. I dont think they realized what EXACTLY we were doing ; ).
Damien, cute goth boy in Columbus 1 night, came while I was putting on condom barely counts, we didn't have sex.
this is the worst one... smoked C with 40 year old half-black half-puerto rican ex-porn star, ended up 69'ing while watching a porn he starred in from 20 years ago, I wouldnt fuck him wo a condom he had none
Matt "that 70's guy" 1 night but I dont count this one either, sorta like the goth guy but with a worse problem (not big enough to do anything with)
Chuck, dude from myspace, fooled around but no sex, he went down on me 4 times, like all night...
then there's Mikey, three weeks together and no sex yet. It's a record. I slept with everybody the very first night except for Lon (took about a week), Greg (we were friends first, he had a girlfriend when he and I started fucking), and Mikey. Lon and Greg were the most meaningful relationships so maybe that'll say something for this one. It's funny, I've been with the same number of women as he has... I think it intimidates him a little, and that's probably why he hasn't put out yet. He says he's nervous and worries that it wont be good, I think he compares himself to the "slutty sex machines" I've had in the past. It doesn't seem like he's had a lot of sex, in general. And you know what they say about practice. Anyway I think something's happening. I get good vibes. Things will be picking up very soon. We both wanna stop drinking and smoking. He doesnt wanna try to quit cigs yet though. He wants to get back on prozac before he starts classes at the end of January. He wants me to meet his kids tomorrow. I could see me helping him get his shit together enough for him to get his kids back. He's really eager to better himself, and very eager to please me and make me happy. When I'm in a bad mood he treats it like it's a game "Make Joey Smile!" I'm important to him, and I'm a priority, and it's been a long time since I've felt that way (so all you haters can keep your mouths shut -mom-).

must sleep, merry christmas

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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