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THANK YOU AUTOPILOT for giving me that which I could not provide myself... FRIENDSHIP!!!

First I will mention how drunk I am, technically not too drunk, but you know, drunker than I've been in a month, not as drunk as I was for that Rushville party. Started drinking at about 10, had four jack n diets made by Sean and Jade, not as strong as Ruby drinks and I also ate something of substance finally today so... not too drunk.... Anyway, I'm so excited! Don't get jealous Janet, nothing will ever touch us, or come close... I'm your Pooh and you're my Piglet baby. But I just met the most interesting people in YEARS, like I'm talking not even Insomnia days, it's IDIOT BOY days, that feeling where you're invincible yet could die at any second and you just found irrefutable proof that things are just and fair in the universe and you hope you're sober enough to remember the facts. THAT'S what happened tonight! I got to go out, only took $10, that's all I could allow myself to waste "guilt free". Now if I was drinking at Jose n Willy's or the Farmer's I'da go9tten tons of free drinks from desperate old men, but seein I was at the Pick the only free drink came from Jade (and it makes me feel good that it came from a woman). I really needed the night out, as usual getting messed up on whateverthehellisonsalethatday resets my bipolar and makes everything OK at least for long enough. Also I was in serious need of an ego boost. yes I'm a tough chick but being around just my downer family... and hearing "I thought you were supposed to be losing weight" or "you can really eat THAT much only 4 mos after the surgery" all the time... I needed to hear some NICE things about how hard I'm busting my fucking ass to bring home the bacon, trim the fat, and raise the baby. EVERYONE had AWESOME shit to say. And you know what, everything they said, I already felt n thought about myself anyway so it wasnt really an ego boost I was looking for but more like reassurance like "yes Joey, you're not suffering from body dysmorphia, you really do look good". Funny thing was that all the guys that overheard n saw everyone saying how great I looked, I was still a tub of lard to them, but that's ok cuz we all aren't believers right away! So I'm at the Pick with my first drink in hand, and I have this habit (not that it's bad) of finally getting what I want, and then sitting and enjoying the feeling of it, before I actually ENJOY whatever it is that I wanted. Sorry about the sidenote but I guarantee that you'll never meet a junky who fingered a full needle longer than I did. I would twirl it, inspect it, introspect it... I've said it a million times, the feeling of being next in line is better than the feeling of being first in line... there is NOTHING better than anticipation... it's HOPE, optimism... and getting back to the smack... by that point in my addiction it felt better in my hand than it did in my arm, and I held out as long as I could before shooting it. I catch myself doing the same thing with food, and whiskey... even other things... like seeing my daughter. if I'm picking her up from somewhere after not seeing her a while, I'll evesdrop, or snoop through a window or whatever, just to enjoy her in the raw before she sees me. So I'm at the Pick, drawing smiley faces in the condensation on the outside of my drink, not yet having taken a sip, drinking up the ambiance etc... and this guy and I exchange "small talk". I knew he was new in town, he's a probably almost 60-somethinger in a college bar, and he's black (lighter toned but you know around here, black is black...). He's trying to decide what to order and I told him about the dollar bottles of from the local brewery, which I guess is decent (you know me n beer...) so we start talking after that. He's a musician, recorded 12 string acoustic played while singing Shell Silverstein poems... targeted to children. He did his best to market himself. By that time though I had already mentioned Greg being in jail and how hard I've been busting butt, keep on keepin on... then I remembered I had comics in the trunk and we agreed to just swap art (the BEST trade!), not knowing that his ole lady has been an art teacher for almost 20 years (and they both DIED laughing at my stuff). We got drinks and a table and a kid named Travis who runs a show on the Oswego college station joined us. It started out as networking but after Travis had to go it turned into something magical. The type of connection that you know was meant to happen. And at the end of the night we three walked out front and we had parked next to each other "See," I said, "If we hadn't had met in the bar, we would have met in the parking lot!" Randolf was his name, and Mary hers. believe me, we exchanged a million different ways to reconnect after tonight. It's like FAMILY. Call it what you will, God, Synchronicity, Autopilot orchestrated our meeting. You know how they saw to always leave them wanting more... I am SOOOOOOO hanging right now, arm dangling in the breeze! We swore it wasn't superficial small talk, that we would hang out, call, have dinner, smoke, elope (lol), REALLY soon. I intend to keep up my promise. Hell I even gave a link with password n everything to this diary. I dont think they'll check anytime soon but who knows (As the gay horse says "Heyyy-aaayyy" How ya two been?) I'm sorry to cut this short... I had so much more planned out to write that I've forgotten, those brain cells popped... damn you Mr. jack Daniels, one of these days I really will barf on your headstone. But until then I must retire. I haven't slept since, well technically two nights ago, Wednesday... and that was only three hours... and I'm too tired to do the math, I just know that no real human being was meant to function on the amount of sleep that I've been getting since Greg went away. I was missing him and almost crying, eyes misted over when Randolf came up to me for the second time, which is when we exchanged the books for cd, and the course of the night, and possibly history, was changed. Thank you both for reminding me of everything that I've always known all along yet never fully believed. I apologize if it takes "a minute" to get back to you, but I already explained my love of anticipation.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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