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I'm beyond manic this morning, due to lack of sleep (again only 2 1/2 hours yesterday), busy nights at work and having my body wrecked with pain. The mania kicks in to cover for me, though I don't suppose it'll hang around as long as I need it to today. I dont know how long I'll be able to sleep today, "GO TO BED" is far down on today's To Do list.

Tim caught up with his baby-momma online last night and instead of arguing like what he thought would happen, she agreed to sign the divorce papers and to let Tim see his kids. He hasn't seen his daughter since before he went to jail (5 mos ago) and she's not yet a year old. He was sooo excited talking to me on the phone while I was at work. Amy (baby-momma) is going to let him see his kids today. If you know me then you know that I'm hella-nervious and paranoid about all of this. EVEN IF this wasn't the exact same way I lost Mohawk Boy..., EVEN IF I wasn't just dragged through the mud given the run around and used up by Mikey, I would STILL be paranoid about him spending time there, cuz that's his family, that's still his wife... he hasn't seen them in so long, who's to say how he's going to react? I doubt Geoff thought for a second that there was a chance of getting back together with his wife n kids that morning I drove him to his divorce hearing.... That hurt really bad, and my relationship with Tim is infinitely deeper than what it was like with Geoff. Of course I'm going to be paranoid. There's way more to lose.

Yesterday I freaked out pretty bad and couldn't stop crying. This was before I even found out he was seeing his family. He kept asking me what was wrong and I knew what was wrong but I couldn't tell him then. It just seemed stupid, or weak really, but I was screaming in my head "Don't fucking hurt me, don't ever fucking hurt me cuz I won't be able to bear it" cuz just when I think I can't possibly get through as much pain somehow I manage to, to roll with the punches, and they keep lining up to throw em... "there weren't any fat people in Auschwitz" Lon..."I knew I didn't want to be with you the second you got off the plane" Eric..."I don't love you enough to beat you" Harlan... "I didn't mean it when I said I loved you, I just thought it was what you needed to hear" Geoff... damn right I'm gonna be nervous about this afternoon. I'm probably going to be sitting at mcdonalds eating & throwing up double cheeseburgers the whole time I'm waiting for him to call and have me pick him up. I like this one way too much, I definitely couldn't handle losing him so soon....

So what the hell can I do? Hope for the best... trust him, believe what he says... what else can I do (besides freak out?) what else is there?

I got a couple of things for his kids for him to give to them. I'm going to leave it up to him whether he says they're from me or whatever. I bought them for him to give them, cuz I'm sure he didnt get them anything for xmas cuz he was in jail and missed it, also his girl's 1st bday is coming up. Besides, I grew up without a dad and when I was really young I mostly remember the cool things we did or toys he gave me. We'd see him like 3x a year and he'd take us camping or fishing or he'd buy us toys. It wasn't till I got older and started seeing him less often (than 3x a year...) that I valued just getting time with him. I know Tim understands how valued and needed he is as a father, but these are things I'm still going to stress, and things that I'm still going to expect out of Greg whenever he gets out of jail/rehab. I don't want Cassidy to have the same relationship with her father as I have with mine. Anyway, it's time to get the show on the road. Gotta get Cass movin, dressed, fed, over to the sitter's, over to the bank to make sure there aren't any outstanding charges, over to the DMV to get a replacement plate, over to car insurance to make a paymeny and to deal with skidding into a ditch business out to my house, out to Penn Yan so he can see his kids... also today I want to put together a smoke run of some sorts, things are hurting way too much for me not to smoke some green today... then comes sleep, and possibly that lasagna but probably just more sleep before I have to go back into work.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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