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So yeah, they basically told me nevermind you didnt pass the piss test... well it wasnt all THAT bad but still I dont have a job. The lady ended up being from the same shithole town my family is from and she knew most of my situation. I recognized a pic of her son, he was two years ahead of me in school before I moved to Ohio. Anyway this lady's family owned a fancy resteraunt in town and she was stealing cash out the till for coke as her hubby was drinking himself stupid from the bar, they got their shit together a while back. She is heavy into AA and NA still and does a women's empowerment group in her house on mondays. She told me that she'd check with the lab to see exactly how much thc was in my system and if I could retest before the classes started but the lab said it would still be in my system. I really didnt think I smoked all that much, and now I told her I'd go to those stupid meetings cuz I thought I was getting a job out of it. Wanna help me get empowered? How bout giving me a job! yeah yeah I know it's all my fault that I'm such a loser. One of these days I'll blow my brains out so everybody can see where the defect is up close. Now I have to call the newark office and tell them I cant start till may or june, or whenever I can pass a piss test after mid may. Gotta come up with a reason why, car fell apart? Whatever I tell them is bound to come true, that's how shit goes for me, so i cant tell them something totally terrible.

We had three days of nice weather, to where all the snow melted. then we had one day of colder temps but rain and no snow. Then we got 8 inches overnight Friday, more last night, today was very sunny but very windy also, and when it's this windy I can't drive anywhere cuz of the blinding blowing snow.

I can tell that Tim is getting worried about us. Or that he's got problems. I bitch about him eating too much but that's because he eats too much. I bitch about him spending so much time with his baby-momma, but that's because he spends a lot of time with her. He says it's for the kids, yet he's stayed for dinner twice and both times he was there the gramma has had one of the kids... so it's not dinner with the kids, it's dinner with baby-momma and the 1 yr old happened to be there. This was on Wednesday, same day he wrote this entry of his. ("5:20 p.m. - 2007-03-14HELP !!!!!!!
I'm not sure what's going on with my life anymore. My wife and I have been talking a lot. I still love Joey. I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP!!!!!" nice entry huh, calls her his wife... yeahhhh then I bitched that he has her on all his buddy lists and myspace friends, why is that and he says so I can talk to her about the kids... well that's why there's a phone... does he really need five different ways of communicating with her? The last time he chatted online with her she asked him to move back in... why would I not want him chatting with her? She asked him to come home the friday before this, after only spending the afternoon together, AFTER SHE filed for divorce and wrote on the papers that she didnt want him near her... then he says they talked a lot that wednesday when he was only spozed to be going to a doc appt, yet he ends up having dinner with them AND buying them gorceries... he was pretty much ready to move back in with her that day. His brother says he's just using me and when/if he gets a job he'll only hold it down for a couple weeks. We shall see. Maybe there's reason afterall, that he was fucking a nasty twat like Chrissy and best friends with Mikey....

Tim has been saying lately "I'm not your babysitter" It's not that I need someone to take care of my kid for me (specially a man, & specially someone with not such a great track record with their own kids) I'm just paranoid that I'll give her my rash, whatever the rash may be. I've never itched worse in all my life. It still doesnt look like scabies, these are tiny red dots and the pics of scabies I've found look bigger and yuckier than what we have. I dont know why Cass doesnt have it and she better not get it either. We're out of benedryl so we're pretty much just tearing ourselves up. I'm gonna grab some bleach from Sue and do the bleach bath thing, works for poison ivy, if it doesnt alleviate, we may have to pull out a razor blade.

This weekend was just as crazy as last. Brittney was here Wednesday night and friday night, Charlie's been here since Wednesday. Geoff spent the night friday, which was a total disaster. He's goin into flacra again, he got laid off last week and it's like anytime he gets into a little trouble he runs right back to rehab. i dont know how much more there is to learn after spoending five different years in the same program... he's just so clueless. Anyway I figured we'd all hang out smoking and playing drinking games but Britt and Charlie did their thing by themselves and Tim and Geoff were nearly throwing down every 15 minutes so that night and next morning were no fun. Geoff was in a hurry to get to a bar to do some real drinking and Britt was in a hurry to get back to my aunt's house but I was still drunk/drinking and Tim drove everyone into town. He was way faster than I thought he'd be, and he only ran the car off the road once, that was in the driveway, the car got pretty close to sliding into the lake. The roads were really bad Friday night when I was driving, but not yesterday cuz it wasnt windy yet. I wish I had enough gas to go to karaoke. I'm getting cabin fever. Everyone comes out here for a "Sweet Escape" but it's no vacation for me having people here. Most of the groceries are gone and we dont get stamps again until the 7th. IF they hire Tim on Tuesday, he still wont get a check for 2 weeks. I dont have enough gas to take charlie home, plus I have to get to penn yan tomorrow for job testing and then I have a check up with O'Malley's office in Rochester in the afternoon. I'm gonna have to cancel both of those cuz Tim needs what gas I do have to get to the job interview on Tuesday. LAME Too bad my baby isnt black, that way I could get Brad n Anjolina to adopt her then I wouldnt feel so bad about "fixing my problems". I'm too much of a pussy to try that, besides it wouldnt work anyway. Can you tell Ive only had one dose of paxil in the last week? No gas to refill it! I cant even tell if things really are this bad or if it's just dirty vision. I dont know where all this neglect came from. Why do I do better alone n lonely? It's not unreasonable that I expect a roommate to contribute, nor is it wrong to expect a man I'm in a relationship with to take care of man things. But then when they fall short with helping out then I dont do shit either. And I dont know why I eat so much n so often just cuz people around me are. It's like when I let the walls down so that I'm able to show emotion and feel emotion, then it's like my backbone falls with it. When did equalibrium become such a powerful enemy? Ranking right up there with gravity and sobriety.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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