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He might have some idea of how fucking much I love him but really I dont know. it's infinite and unmeasurable, kinda like how god's love is SUPPOSED to be. Scott isn't sure of himself. He's looking at another knee surgery, this will make lucky # 13, and it's some male machismo thing - he questions me being such a strong independent woman, how could I possibly spend the rest of my life with him, a broken man. He wants to be so good for me, and provide everything I've never had, spoil me rotten, make up for the shitty childhood by making sure Cass never goes without and all that. Don't get me wrong, if you want to give me a 68 Cuda, or spend $120 a piece for Roger Waters tickets, or buy my kid nice clothes and call it nuthin, I'm not gonna turn it down. But it does hurt my ego some, I wanna do these things for myself, even tho I never EVER would do those things for myself.... It's a lot to get used to. I tried to talk him out of the concert tickets, I still feel guilty spending money on myself, buying anything name brand etc. We butt heads a lot, him wanting to do these financial things for me and wanting me to "start living up a notch", me not wanting to accept all his gifts, but he can't do a lot of physical things for me, like help me move, or when his knees are hurting like they have been lately he can't do little stuff around the house like cooking or laundry. I want to get this issue settled before I start working, cuz then not only will I be doing all this shit around the house while he lays around (in pain) all day, but now I'll be making more money than him, and I guess he thinks that's all he thinks he has to offer me, which isn't true AT ALL. It's just very demasculating to him, and I try to be as empathetic as possible, and I try not to bring things up or bitch about the amount he's bitching about his knee pain (as in "my knees hurt too asshole stop being a pussy"). I feel so helpless. I am a master of my own pain, pain and I are intimate, almost soul mates in that "if you cant beat em, join em" kind of way, and he's not exactly jumping at the chance to try some of my techniques. Mind over matter, ya know? Every time he stands up I hear something snap crackle or pop so I try to do my best to limit his movements. The other day he took 6 of his pain pills, which are vike 10's, plus he was drinking. And he was STILL in pain. I went with him to his doc appointments and went in with him for the last one, the orthopoedic surgeon, who recommended Scott pursue Pain Management, which Scott was against at first. He was thinking it was more like phys therapy or maybe "whacky voodoo shit" but the doc and I explained how it's a whole bunch of different things, yes there are meditation and mind techniques but they also have these little pain-neuro-transmitter-blocker-thingies they implant, high tech meets far east kind of shit, which is what I been trying to explain to him all along but of course hearing it from a doc makes it sound much better n more legit. He dicked around for two days after having been given the number but he finally called and made his initial consult appt this morning. I told him it could be a while, to call right away... the appointment is until mid august. Coulda been worse I suppose. I remember having to wait three months for a dentist appointment when I first got medicaid. Anyway I hope he's receptive to this pain management shit. I want to look into it more for myself, maybe it's a field of nursing I could get into.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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