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It's cool to see that people still check out my diary every day even though I havent written in a WHILE. I'm coming up on my thousandth entry (or perhaps it's passed?) so it's not like there isn't shit to keep people busy while I'm on hiatus.

I quit my job on Monday. I knew it was coming for many reasons. Of course there is my inability to hold down ANY job... then there's the fact that being a CNA has got to be the most heart-breaking and back-breaking job in the world. Then more specifically the home I was at had no organization, shitty staff etc. There are usually 6 CNAs working per shift, for 60 (plus or minus) residents. Well last Friday I was the only one there for my "half" of the building (which is the harder, more dependent and the most dee dee dee residents), plus 2 residents died, one was my favorite, this cute blind lady who could still mostly dress and feed herself and she didnt ever crap her pants. She would wander around all day saying "Where's Elenor?" or "Where's George?" or "Where's my coffee?" I was always making that lady coffee. She was very cute and hopefully she's better off dead now. Remind you that I have been a CNA for all of a month, with little training. It's a lot easier to give a bed bath to half a maniquin, and like with many many other things, just because I get every question right about it on tests doesnt mean I possess the ability to translate that knowledge into any actual useful output. Friday actually wasnt the last straw, I had the weekend off, which was the first successive 2 days off since being back to work from the kidney stone-slash-mass infection fiasco last month. So I had some time to recover from Friday. Plus that day was just so goddamned absurdly horrible that it was funny in a Catch-22 kind of way. The weekend was spent drinking and doing coke (we'll get to that subject in a bit), erasing the memory of the past work-week. Monday when I went in it was the same old shit, people calling in, or no call no showing... one girl, the 2nd best talent on my half of the home, she slept through her alarm and called in as soon as she awoke. At the end of the day all us girls do our paperwork at the nurses station and she asked me if I ever got suspended or was given a warning/talking to about being late or calling in sick or when I was in the hospital etc. No one has ever said anything to me about anything (even still if I went to work today with some lame excuse about why I was a no call no show two days in a row they'd still let me clock in...) but for some reason they suspended that girl for a day. And really that was the last straw. They dont have enough workers EVER and theyre suspending people. See ya.

I am not cut out to be a CNA, even nursing doesnt appeal that much to me anymore, unless I daydream about some non-profit ghetto clinic or peace corps type stuff. When I was a home health aid for that autistic demon child for three years I said to myself I would never have another job that involved cleaning up shit for less than $12 an hour. I was making $8 an hour with that kid and $12 seemed like a reasonable amount for the kinds of messes he made (hide the poopie, finger-painting with poopie). This was TEN years ago, and here I am, wrist deep in shit again, and only making $8.75 an hour. I cry the whole way to work, freaking out about how shitty the day might be, and then I cry the whole way home about how much pain Im in. The crying all the way there, the panic attacks were too reminiscent of all the times I cried the whole way to Dirty's house to score H, not wanting to be a junkie anymore but not knowing how to stop, puking that dial soap looking shit and sometimes leaking in my pants as soon as I got the bag o brown in my hand. It also was too close to all the times (like every fucking morning) as a child where my brother and I threw crying fits and tantrums about not going to the evil babysitters house, knowing it would never do any good. We screamed every morning and she still kept taking us there. Just like the promise I made myself about not cleaning poopie for less than $12 an hour, I was breaking another promise, to never ever do anything I seriously didnt want to do, that if Im crying on my way there then I better not go. There were smaller reasons like I also began thinking about how I really dont need to be working any more than part time anyway, that with better money management Scott and I could get bills paid and have some spending money leftover. That is, until we started doing coke. (dun dun DUNNNN!!!)

Auto Pilot has been hinting, begging and now demanding that I ditch Katelyn, by any means necessary. I usually end up hating those that I love with the same amount of passion so it doesnt surprise me that I hate her, it's just surprising that it happened so soon. Through my life I havent been able to say no to people, Im sure it goes back to being conditioned by my abusers and molesters to not say no to anything, and to go out of my way to please them... and as an adult I tend to get doormatted more than the average person (though this has gotten better in recent years, still I use unhealthy ways to assert myself, I bottle shit up and then standing up for myself usually involves some sort of spiteful words, fire, cars through living rooms etc). Anyway I really dont understand why I can't say no to this girl. I think early on it was because I saw a little bit of me in her. Currently I dont know why I saw that cuz her and I (the present I or any past I's that I have been) arent alike at all. Why the falling out? OK I admit I had fun the first time we had a threesome, and it should have been kept a one night stand. We laid down ground rules for not messing around anymore and still hanging out being friends, but every time she comes over she tries to fuck Scott. He at least understands how I feel, and agrees with me. He's been "supportive" in helping me say no to her ("why the fuck do you even call her back?"), though he admits he has trouble too. She's some kind of siren, I dont know. She's a user and a manipulator on so many levels, and for the most part she doesnt realize it. When she does use her head for gain then she's nearly deadly. A typical night would go like this, she'd call saying she had some money and would I buy her a bottle of whatever, and could she spend the night... then she'd only have like $5 for the bottle, then she'd eat a mess of food, make a mess in general, beg Scott for pills, or talk me into stealing them for her or possibly her stealing them herself... she'd wait for me to get drunk, then start kissing me and saying "lets all go into the bedroom and fool around" the last couple of times I fell for this I was SERIOUSLY fucked up and didnt know what was going on. She was always really rough with me, but I think it was only cuz that's how she likes it, still to this day i dont think any of the rough sex she had with me was done intentionally to hurt me. Most recently she'd wait for me to get drunk and then try to fuck Scott. One time earlier on, Scott said that after I fell asleep she kept trying to start with him. "Cmon, she ssaid it was ok, really she and I talked abotu it earlier...." then when he kept saying no "She wont know... we wont tell her" etc Scott is mostly innocent. After I told/asked him for us to never do stuff with her again neither he nor I have. I understand it's hard for him to be told it's OK one day and then for me to freak out about it the next. Plus, to be honest, she really is a dirty little slut the likes of whom the world has never seen. And after the physical labor I performed all day at work the last thing I want to do is 2 hours of being on top reverse cowgirl triple x throwdown stuff. It was really like she was my stunt double. I'm actually getting upset writing about it. But I'm upset about a lot of things so let me finish with this subject.

Coincidently a few weeks ago Scott got a phone call from his old coke dealer. You know how dealers are, just calling to see how he was cuz he hadnt seen him in a while... I'm sure he really cared! Now remember this is where Scott and I met back in May, at this dude's house. He hadnt been back since. And you know how cokeheads are, especially if they prefer to cook up their coke n smoke it... you hear "oh this is only my second time doing this" or "I havent been here in years I dont know why i came..." ETC ETC ETC You always know it's bullshit but you never know exactly how often or how much the person uses. Scott only jonesed once the whole summer, and that was when he fucked his knees up really badly, was out of pills, and his docs were on vacation. I was able to talk him out of it. At that time I was doing fine mentally myself and though it did rattle my cage slightly it was no where near enough for me to say ok let's roll. Then Katelyn comes over with a line for each of us of some weak ass bullshit that was only good for turning Scott into a coke-obsessed monster. Katelyn got the coke from her parents, it seems they do it fairly regularly, like weekly or biweekly or whenever their janitor at the amusement park and pizza maker in a gas station incomes allow them to party. So Scott having been called by his REALLY DECENT hook up a couple days earlier then slut showing up with teaser... anybody would relapse. Looking back on it now, she didnt know a whole lot about Scott's coke past (that he's got holes in his nose, sleep apnea & heart probs cuz of it, that he spent most of the 90's with his face numb, was clean for about 4 years then started doing it regularly again only this time smoking it until he met me) I think she brought the shit over cuz the time before she tried to fuck Scott after I fell asleep he wouldnt do it (my last entry was this night), so she was hoping the coke would lead to coke sex. Interesting sidenote about Scott, porn star that he is, he cant fuck on coke! Anyway Scott had also just gotten one of his checks, so we had some "disposable income". We had an alright time, nothing kinky happened, whatever. But since that first time I have become weak, remembering what it's like to get that high with a lover, and the insane joy I feel when I'm potentially wrecking my life.... So if I'm remembering correctly we have been to this dude's house 4 times in 2 weeks. And now I've quit my job, the cable bill is late, the car insurance is due, my $250 ticket was due the 15th and now I have a warrant out on me for that, plus prolly a suspended license, plus I got a speeding ticket one of the times coming back from the city, plus I have seen the monster within Scott, which doesnt come close to my monster but for him the OCD control freak... to see him totally engulfed in the want for more... The last time he took off with half of what we got, saying he was stashing some for later and then not even 10 minutes later me finding the bag empty and there was nothing stashed... and him CRYING for me to give him my last piece (honestly, Im not dicking with you, uppers are not my thing, and seeing how it made him act I wasnt in the mood to do more... anyway I always gave him my last pieces). It broke my heart to see him like that. Too much Lon bullshit. I wont lose my second and last chance at real life long happy fairy tale love to instant gratification. I will never be able to make up for the evil things I did to Lon, and there is no way to fix what I did to him and myself, but I can make sure it doesnt happen again. This is another reason i quit my job. First off I'm not gonna work so fucking hard and be miserable so that we can spend my paychecks on coke (on coke I dont really like and dont do a whole lot of, maybe 25% of what we buy I do), then also if I didnt have my paychecks then he wouldnt be able to spend them on coke. And also he is very materialistic and he needs to learn a lesson through this, losing the cable and internet for a while, going hungry, rationing cigarettes etc. I'm not rushing to start working some place else anytime soon, though I know I need to. I want to make sure this phase is completely over, put some distance in between jonesing and having money to do something abou it.

Scott had a court hearing for his SSD shit and they are repaying him what they cut from his benefit for the last couple years, and that check is coming "any day now" (you know how govt checks are) $50 a week for 2 years plus 4 months of $800 or something like that is what he is getting. We're gonna move to Pennsylvania with that money. He has drag racing friends near Allentown, which I do beleive is closer to NYC and there are probably trains etc that go there, so maybe I'll get to hang in the city FINALLY. I just want us to be prepared for the $$$ when it comes. if that's our moving money then we need to not have so many bills debted against us, and we definitely need to not crack binge on it. I turn 30 in a couple weeks, time to grow the fuck up.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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