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Things arent getting much better. I'm really trying to keep it together but to everyone looking in at me I'm just flailing in the water. Last night my mom said that if I'm going to kill myself to do it soon and not to make a mess. She threatens to take custody of Cassidy every day, like she used to do before I met Scott. I suppose killing myself would make it easier for her to get custody....

Swear to god if I hear one more time "You can always get back together with Greg... he's sober now isn't he?" Last night at Erin's birthday party I did a vodka shot for every time I've heard it so far. It's not even funny I dont know why people would say something like that.

Being bested by an 18 year old coke whore is just about as embarassing as that time an ex boyfriend of mine cheated on me with a bitch in a wheel chair.

Anyway I just lay around and cry. I force myself up to do things for Cass, do job applications, grocery shop with family or whatever it is they do to keep me busy, and I cry in the car, cry in the store.... If Im not crying then Im seconds away... there might be five minutes where I smile and talk to someone and then we pass a monte carlo, or I see someone with blue eyes... yesterday I took my aunt's computer apart and cried during that cuz I figure I'll be doing the same with mine at Scott's. Then she put in the little mermaid for Cassidy and it was so horrible I had to turn it off. It'll be a long time before I'll be watching that with Cass. This is the worst Ive ever felt in my life. I go through the motions for the most part, not really eating a whole lot, still havent showered since last week... wash my hair in the sink, wtf my face is all bruised up so what's it matter if I smell good? I only have one pair of pants and underwear here anyway, everything is still at Scott's. The DA still hasnt called. I need to call them. Might as well do that now.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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