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OK it took a week but I'm FINALLY feeling better. I had a breakthrough during a drug-induced crying spell last night in bed. I've been trying to figure out WHY I've been felling so down. I only knew Scott 4 months... yet it felt like when I left Lon after 6 years and also it felt like after Harlan beat me up. I was thinking why it would feel like both of these things, and why the feelings were so strong and I figured out that with Scott I actually had hope for a better future. I trusted him and counted on him to be part of my life, like a foundation for a better life. I thought I had a real, grown up, ready to get down to business kind of man. I'm feeling so bad about that loss of hope. And alot of it is materialistic too, no more nice car, no more 6 ft tv screen, no more disability settlement to build a house with.... But in thinking about this stuff I realized that these things were empty promises, that Scott and I never would have moved or gotten married.... I was thinking about the signs and hints, when we were together his bills would get paid and mine wouldnt. It was always his choice for dinner and what we watched on tv, and where and if we went somewhere, even the places I was "allowed" to work. The more I think about it the more I realize how much of a prisoner I was, which probably explains why I was drinking so much (to me drugs=freedom -from reality). I dont remember being unhappy until Katelyn entered the picture, but I'm sure I was. I havent reread any of my diary entries cuz I've been afraid to see if I was in good spirits.

Speaking of good spirits, it's bout to be Samhainn, I shoulda known the funk wouldnt last long. Though this definitely was the worst funk I've experienced in a long time. Usually I would have had 10 1 night stands and forgotten what-his-face by now. This time is different though, I'ma play it cool for a while. Lose some more weight, make em work for it.... No doubt I'll go right back to the anonymous sex, that's what I do when my heart's hurtin. Scott took the walls down but holy fuck if they aint thicker than ever. I'm gonna join one of those weirdo costume sex cults where you dont even have to see the dude's face.

Anyway tomorrow is Erin's REAL bday party then Saturday Hounds of Hell rented some boathouse or something at the lake for a private party I got an invite to, plus all the other costume contests are that night. Halloween's the only holiday that matters to me (Type O- "every day is halloween... will she trick or treat, I bet she will!"). Last Halloween I was taking pics up girls' skirts lol.

I got more job apps to do. Maybe tonight I wont need to take half a bottle of Tylenol PMs to fall asleep. Wish me luck gettin my shit back from Scott tomorrow morning.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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