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Things Hank sez that upset me: "I only take drugs in order to get high, fuck taking MEDICINE" and also "You can't come over tonight, I got 3 more oxy's on the way"

Also he called during an argument with my mom and he told me to "get over it" about fighting with her. You know that's my least favorite phrase n all... anyway he's dropped down a few notches on the cool scale.

I was very depressed last night. Snorted 3 dilaudids (8mg ones) and then swallowed three more, then four hours later when I was still awake I took a mess of sleeping pills. Oh yeah, and I quit my job.

I cant remember how it happened. It was somewhere after the strip club and before the half-hearted suicide attempt, but things definitely went wrong somewhere. I was having serious technical difficulties yesterday (or whatever day it was, they're all running together like watercolors). mechanical things like the toaster malfunctioning, then the car not starting, the microwave zapping like I left a fork in it, 2 light bulbs blew on me, and THEN I fell down Jerico's stairs. I had already made up my mind to quit my job but I was going home anyway and my knee locked up and down I went. My lower back is all fucked up.

So Hank was all nodding off fucked up on the phone with me last night and he tells me he wants a family. he brought this up because I brought up Jerico. Previously he made it seem like he didnt care if I went out with other people. Hank and I have never talked about any details/terms of our friendship but I wanted to let him know that I was goin on a date. Hank doesnt go out in public places, except I guess grocery stores and post offices etc, but he wont go to bars and Im not sure about movies but anyway he wasnt interested in the whole strip club thing. He mainly just sits around and gets high, then takes pictures or writes poetry or whatever. He's got a blog I need to get a link up to. So anyway the whole wanting a family thing is weird cuz he's like 62 or some shit, he's been married and has a son my age. Tonight's rerun of Two and a Half Men was where the dorky bro is dating a 22 year old hottie and she sez to him "well I like you cuz you're funny and very very appreciative" . The whole episode in general reminded me of Hank. He's very very appreciative of me being with him, I'm his princess. Which means it's getting time to bail. He's said things like "I dont have problems with relationships, it's the women who have the problem. As long as I get things my way it'll be fine." So anyway, I might pull back from Hank. Although, he is teaching me a great bit about transcendental meditation and does that reiki stuff on my back n shoulders, and has been forcing me to remember the goodness that used to be in my heart. I used to consider myself a taoist, but now Im just a waste.

Of course I'm madly in love with Jerico already. Well, I could be if I'd let myself fall into it that way. You know how I am, someone is nice to me and gives me the time of day once then I'm like a kitty who wont get off your lap. I'm trying not to be like that, and Jerico has made it a little easier by calling me some other chick's name and then also having some other girl's underpants on his bedroom floor the first time I was there. When I called him on it, it turns out they're not even the same girl. so yeah. He said the underpants (crusty n nasty I might add) were his exgirlfriend's whom he just broke up with two weeks ago and moved back home again, so why were her pants on the floor, unless they were there from before they broke up, or else current break up sex. Then the girl's name he called me -Jody- I overlooked, he caught the mistake & apologized, then four hours later he was talking about trying to get his best girl friend into bed before she leaves town to go back to school, and of course her name is Jody. So geeze, I'm a consolation prize already wtf! Like I got room to bitch, seein Ive slept with Hank a couple times,

I got Hank tellin me not to get attached to him, which Im not.------------------------->

Hank sez in my ear right now "in the formative years you were not taken care of when you needed to be and as an adult you will never have this enough, you'll never be loved enough, they'll never take good enough care of you" and also "your intellect will be your downfall" & "the only thing I have to offer you is nothingness, which is a whole lot more than you think it is."

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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