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Bill was really REALLY cool, and he and I had tons of fun and I do truly love him, but remember me saying that he and I are the same person... he is me with a dick... well all the things I dislike about myself I totally fucken hated in him! And I make a HORRIBLE man! God I'm so selfish and pigheaded as a man! (Great in bed tho, which I knew Id be lol) Also I think that actually he's crazier than I am, for real, me the sane-r one???. I mean he's gonna be 36 this year and he's STILL suicidal and all that, he thought he was so far ahead of me, that he had shit figured out when really he's just a sad lost little boy. I'm just a sad lost little girl too, but I would think in the next 5 years that I wouldnt be... I mean look at where I was 5 years ago (300 pound junky...). I take all this as a warning, that if I dont start keeping up with the changes Ive been making I could STILL be suicidal and confused 5 years from now. Then there's the controlling thing, he wasn't Bataan Death March controlling, but still a drill seargant. I doubt he'd ever hit me for real but who the hell knows, I prolly coulda pushed that button one day, you know me. He's a LOT more like his dad than he even realizes, and Im sure his dad thought he himself was a good man and was doing the right thing "putting his family in line" or whatever, the beatings were doing them good, refining them (Harlan said that once "I dont love you enough to beat you, you're not worth refining"), the same rationalizations Bill explained about his father being abusive were the exact reasons/excuses he gave for controlling me. Also he had too many anti-women issues and I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life trying to make up for his mom's and exwife's wrongdoings. I felt like a hostage, which is something a couple of my friends and ex's have said about me -years ago-. If I'm gonna be a prisoner then I'll pick a golden cage and not a 30 year old camper with no indoor plumbing. I had enough of that as a kid thank you very much. So I saw my way out, pushed for it and got it. Still trying to get my stuff back. For someone with no need for personal belongings or material needs he sure did keep enough of my shit!!!!

The DAY after, like barely more than 24 hours of leaving Bill I was screwin Jerico in his truck. We're not officially back together, though we spend the night together 3 times a week, sometimes more... and we talk almost every day. And we're both quick to say "That's not my boyfriend/girlfriend!" whenever anybody calls us that, but when we say it we're both laughing. His poor parents are so confused. As are most of his friends. Gary and Erin are very happy though, cuz it's like Bill never happened. We all went rock climbing last weekend and now Jer wants to go at least every other weekend and alone with just me on days when he and I both have off work (he does 4 10 hr days and has fridays off for the summer). We spent July 4th together, kinda by accident, and then the 5th and 6th too, Sunday is when we went rock climbing. Saturday his friend's band was doing a video shoot and we were in that with a bunch of friends. It was a group thing and even though he went there straight from my house we didnt go together. By the time I got there Jody was sitting at his feet but holding Bobby's daughter. Bobby and Ginny broke up the week before. Jody has been up to her games again, now that hse sees and hears the rumors about Jer and I. The two of them made plans to hang out at her house then go to karaoke that night then for Jerico to come back over to her aunt's place where she hangs out on the weekends, for a bonfire and some cousin's birthday party. To Jerico that meant he was getting a shot with Jody. Im not sure what happened before karaoke but by the time I got there with Erin and Gary Jerico was a little drunk and said that Jody didnt even say hello to him when he got there, then was hangin on this other dude all night. Erin swears that she heard Jody say to him "You played me!" before she left for the night. Jerico doesnt even remember saying by to her so he was no help. Anyway he and I talked earlier that day at the video shoot about why she always tries to put her claws into him whenever Im around and I told him that I'd try to make her extra jealous that night so see if it'd get him laid. This was all half jokingly cuz of course I dont want him sleeping with her but it still worked out in my favor, I ended up scaring her off cuz I was lookin so good. We took Erin and Gary home and then I drove him back to his truck and followed him home, spending the night at his place (back with his parents). It was a given that we were spending the night together, and that's when I could sense a change in how we were feeling about each other, or that feelings were starting to get involved. That night I said to him "After rock climbing tomorrow I think we shouldnt see each other for a few days, I dont want to get too attached..." and he agreed. So then of course I call him late Tuesday to see what he was doing, we talked for 15 mins but he was on his way home to bed. Then Wednesday he called me and we met up across the street for karaoke like old times, then ran around in the car "taking care of business". When we were finished with the deliveries I said to him "Would you like to stay with me or are you planning on going home?" He said that he had no work uniforms at work and would have to go home anyway (opposite direction of work) so he should sleep there. He also said he'll throw an extra uniform in the car. The clock on the car radio was almost 2 hours fast, the fuse blew on me the other day and I had forgotten this, so we were thinking it was 4am and not 2am, maybe he woulda stayed. We basically had to tear ourselves apart when it came time to go. We were close to where his truck was parked and he asked if I wanted to go someplace and smoke. I picked the cemetery nearby. We smoked a couple and chilled out listening to the radio. He and I usually have trouble initiating sex for some reason. We're always waiting on the other to start things off. I was thinking about this, trying to figure out something cute to say, trying to figure out if he meant he didnt want to fool around at all, I get paranoid still, seein Im the one that is always first to say "we're not boyfriend n girlfriend..." and then for me to say let's not talk for a few days, then he shot me down tuesday and then that night he said he wasnt gonna stay the night... so I was thinking about this stuff too, then I thought how stupid it all was and that if I want something I should take it and besides, he probably wouldnt put up a fight. I was envisioning what I was gonna do to him; during the first week we broke up -before we started sleeping together again- I had this dream where I was a lioness on the hunt and Im dragging an impala home to my man-lion, which was Jerico, and then somehow Jerico-as-a-lion was eating the impala and I started eating him, at first I was kitty-nuzzling his tummy, then licking at it, then I start feasting on his soft underbelly, like how he was eating the impala. I woke up from the dream VERY excited, with the taste of warm ooey gooey blood in my mouth. It was a hot fucken dream. So I was thinking about the feeling I woke up with, every glimpse of his tight tiny tummy I think of the feeling, and he caught me grinning and was like "oh crap! what are YOU thinking about?" and I giggled and said "I was thinking of asking you 'Have you ever had a blowjob in a cemetery?'" and he laughed and said "Well I was thinking I havent ever had sex in a cemetery... I havent gotten a bj either..." and anyway we tore that car up. We usually make out for a long time but we were rabid or something. That's serisouly the best I have ever fucked anybody. If we werent in such close quarters I might have killed him. Most of the time I was reverse cowgirl on him in the passenger seat but after a half hour of that he said "let me up, I want to take over" It was fucken awesome!!! We woulda got out but we already had too many mosquito bites from the video shoot saturday and the rock climbing on sunday. anyway up til last night we've been trying very hard not to get reattached, (though for me I never fully got attached to Bill cuz I still wasnt over Jer, I never stopped being in love with him, there were times with Bill where I'd curse Jerico for leaving me, but in Bill's defense there were times I was happy and could see me sticking with him and playing his games forever). I think we've stepped things up a bit because now we're making plans with each other in advance instead of just meeting on a whim, running into each other "coincidentally", or making booty calls. Friday we're going to see the band whose video we were in, they are playing a big community festival in Rochester and we're planning on taking the bike. I havent been on his motorcycle since the night before we broke up. I have resentment towards that cuz that's the ride where we stopped and looked at this modest log cabin being built, talked about being able to afford something like that later that night etc... so whenever I think about riding on the bike with Jer, or when I drive by that cabin I get angry. Ive been itching for a bike ride to replace the memory of that last one. I should tell him this. Well, maybe. Do guys REALLY want to know our feelings? He and I have done much better communicating with each other. I myself have been better with saying what I mean instead of beating around the bush or eluding to things/being cryptic. I didnt appreciate his simplicity when I was with him but now I do.

Things are good right now.

Cassidy figured out how to use a toilet and a tricycle on the same day. A few weeks ago I was helping to change her pull-up in the morning and she stopped me from putting on a clean one "No mommy, Im a big girl now, I dont wear diapers." "OK well you gotta use the potty" "I will!" she even wakes up with a dry pull up most mornings. She's never had an accident with me, but has them often with other people (which shows I pay attention and they dont... go fig). later that afternoon she was riding a big wheel toy and then the old school metal trike. At first she couldnt figure out steering but she's a whiz now.

The day after leaving Bill I had a few doc appointments and no time to get Cass any lunch so I had all of 8 minutes before having to be at appt #2, stopped into the Mcdonalds here in Manchester. The drive thru line was out the drive way and into the road, and inside wasnt much better but all the crew was smiling and still joking around and then the customers seemed nice too, no one was all huffy that it was so crowded. I only ordered a 4 piece nugget and there were tons of orders ahead of Cass's but someone got us the nugs quick and that girl was REALLY nice. I told her they all were doing a good job even tho they were so busy. When I was at Tim Horton's we were slammed as shit with a school bus and only 2 workers total and one kid stopped in the middle of the chaos and thanked me for busting my ass. Later that night I saw an ad in the paper that the mcdonalds was hiring so I applied online saturday morning. That night a manager called me but I wasnt around and I didnt call back til Sunday. I got an interview Monday, got hired right away, and started on Tuesday. I only got a few hours last week (2 short training shifts for videos) but now Im fulltime dinner to close 5pm til 1 or 2 am. I'm making OK money $8 an hour, which is what I made at a couple different nursing homes, plus the time goes by super fast, the job is cake and everyone I work with is fun as hell, most of the are guys are gay (our mcdonalds is like a joke around here cuz of the amount of gay peole that work there) so I get along with them and they make me miss Jack. Every month there's a crew outing or picnic or something, this month theyre paying for us to go to an amusement park up in rochester (Seabreeze) plus a picnic lunch etc. Also the place is only a 5 minute walk away.

I also applied to this home health care agency that pays $10 an hour but doesnt really pay mileage or gas for the car and the work is physically harder definitely more stressful and they'll piss test so I might just stay where I am for right now.

Greg has held down a job for six mos and I put in to raise his child support a few mos ago and we're finally getting to the hearing next week. I should be going from $25 a month to $150 or $200 a month, which is like an extra paycheck. I dont know when that kicks in. I still havent got my stimulus payment yet, dont know if Im gonna get one or for how much. I need to dump a hundred into the car, pay Jerico some money I owe him, find an apartment maybe, definitely get a fucken phone goin again.

I'm researching nursing programs for next winter. I think getting my RN will open up a ton more options for me.

Some bad things have happened, like the car didnt pass inspection and I have a week to get it to do so. Then my mom and I have been arguing a fucklot since Ive been back. Then I sometimes cant get a sitter for Cass until last minute. Shit will get easier when I get some cash flowing.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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